Need a little advice...

By: AKS97
April 9th, 2016
12:02 pm

Hey everyone!

I'm new here, and am so glad to have found a forum that tackles issues that deals with parenting and other people's children. I have a 19 year old daughter, my fiance has a 14 year old son. My daughter has been living with her biological dad since she was 15 (VERY rebellious back then, but she has improved immensely). My fiance and I have been living together for 3 years now, and his son comes to visit every other weekend.

The issue I want to discuss is: is it OK for my fiance to ALWAYS leave his son with me? Don't get me wrong, he's a great father. However, when he leaves to run errands, he never asks me if it's OK to leave his son with me. He'll give his son the option of whether he wants to stay home with me while his dad runs to the store or even a few errands, but he's NEVER given me that option and I just feel that it's always been disrespectful, as if I don't have plans to go anywhere (which most of the time on the weekends, I don't, but still...). My daughter comes to visit us on the weekends as well, not as much anymore because she has a job and a life outside of me.

However, I've never left my daughter with my fiance except for one time, and when I DID leave her at home with him, they were both still asleep and it was early morning. Although they were still asleep, I still had the decency to ask him if it was OK that my daughter stayed with him while I went to get us some McDonald's for breakfast-and she's 19!! But I feel that she's MY responsibility, not his, and I thought he should feel the same way. He said he didn't mind her staying with him, and that was fine. But I have NEVER had the luxury to be asked if it's OK if his son stays home with me while he's out running errands. He may be gone anywhere from 30 minutes to maybe a couple of hours. It's never been such a long time to the point where I say something about it, well...one time, there was. I could be asleep, taking a nap, and I'll wake up and see his son on the couch playing his video games, while I have NO IDEA where his dad ran off to, his son will have to tell me where he's at. I really don't like bringing his son up to him about anything, because anytime I do, he'll get defensive over him. But that still doesn't take away from the fact that I feel like a babysitter. He's done this ever since I met his son, and that's been 3 years now.

What do you guys think? Am I making too much of it?

Thanks!

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8 comments on "Need a little advice..."

  • artmom
    April 9, 2016 at 6:28 pm

    You're becoming a step-parent and your kids are starting to or have moved out and I think your fiancÚ is under the impression that it would be a good idea to get to know his son and experience being a parent all over again, or perhaps it's just easier for your fiancÚ to not have a kid tagging along on errand runs.
    A simple solution is communicate to him of how you feel about it.
    I don't know the whole story as there is always 2 sides. I don't know how you're relating any issues of his son that get's your fiancÚ defensive, but it seems there is a break down of communication.
    The next time he decides to dump his son on you, grab your coat and head out and tell him that you have to be somewhere important, sorry.

  • AKS97
    April 9, 2016 at 7:17 pm

    Originally Posted by artmom
    You're becoming a step-parent and your kids are starting to or have moved out and I think your fiancÚ is under the impression that it would be a good idea to get to know his son and experience being a parent all over again, or perhaps it's just easier for your fiancÚ to not have a kid tagging along on errand runs.
    A simple solution is communicate to him of how you feel about it.
    I don't know the whole story as there is always 2 sides. I don't know how you're relating any issues of his son that get's your fiancÚ defensive, but it seems there is a break down of communication.
    The next time he decides to dump his son on you, grab your coat and head out and tell him that you have to be somewhere important, sorry.
    Hey!

    Lol, I've actually done that, left him at our apartment alone. It was just for about 10 or 15 minutes MAX, but that only happened after I woke up from a nap, and was actually on my way out the door to run said errand, and didn't know he had left his son with me until I was headed out the door and just so happened to see his son sitting on the couch. His son told me where he was (the store), so I decided to wait for a while, thinking that he'd be back soon. I think another 30-40 minutes had passed and it was about to rain. So I remembered that one time, he left his son at our apartment by himself while his dad ran a quick errand. I ran my errand, came back, and my fiance STILL hadn't made it back! Of course when he finally DID return, the first thing his son told him was that I had left him alone. Well, if it was OK for his own dad to do it once before, then what's the problem when I do the same? My fiance and I have had a very rocky relationship, and are trying to mend things back together again, and for the most part, it's working out I guess.

    However, his son tends to have a smart mouth, and he just tells me I'm making a big deal out of it, and to chill out. So basically when his son is here every other weekend, I make it my business to stay away from him AND his son because once his son says or does something to me that I feel is a little disrespectful and I speak up on it, his dad always becomes very defensive with me. So now I just recluse myself to our bedroom the entire time his son is here so it won't be said that it's my fault when his son decides to be a smart-ass...it's a very long story that spans over 3 years...but this is the gist of it...

  • artmom
    April 10, 2016 at 9:58 am

    You're not even married yet and it sounds like you've found yourself in a toxic environment.
    You do not need to take any disrespect from any kid, yours or your spouses. It doesn't sound like your spouse is on your team and he expects you to live like a hermit and hide in the bedroom.
    That isn't a good action to take on your part, either, because your showing how vulnerable and easily manipulated you can become.
    Ask yourself this, if this was one of your kids, how long would this go on for? Kids are a package deal. You need to be able to accept and handle our spouses kids just as much as we would want your spouse to accept and handle your own, and the only way this can be successful is if everyone is coherently on the same page.
    His son is also 14. He can legally be left on his own for an evening. So in that regards, you should be able to come and go whenever you want even if he is at your place.

  • TabascoNatalie
    April 11, 2016 at 12:28 am

    He's a teenager. Unless he has special needs, he doesn't need babysitting.

  • mom2many
    April 11, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    Tabasco hit it on the head.

    If this was a young child I might see your point, but we're talking a 15 year old. He isn't being left for you to watch, he's old enough to do that himself. He's just being left in the house. If this is your biggest issue your kinda being petty.

  • cybele
    April 14, 2016 at 5:53 am

    I'm not sure how you can feel like a babysitter to a 14yr old, they pretty much just take care of themselves at that age then occasionally appear for money and/or food.

    You do your thing while he is in the house. It doesn't sound like he's really doing anything, just sitting around playing video games, so there is nothing you have to actually do.

  • akmom
    May 8, 2016 at 12:22 am

    That's what I thought when I read this. Why would you need to babysit a 19 year old or a 14 year old? My parents went on vacation in another state when I was that age, and left me to babysit my younger siblings. I guess I don't know why your boyfriend would even care if his teenager was home alone for 10-15 minutes. Just remind him not to play with matches or stick his fingers in the electrical sockets and he has a great chance of surviving alone until the errands are done.

  • Alicia
    December 9, 2016 at 12:19 am

    Your fiance does not ask you which means that the he doesn't need your help by keeping an eye on his son. Besides, the boy is 14 so he himself does not need a babysitter, too. Then, let your self free off any "task" with him. Or else, you need a conversation with your fiance about your feeling.



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