jtee

I am looking for some input on difficult matter that is very hard to talk about with friends and family.

A few weeks ago I came home from work about a half hour early and found our pre-teen daughter having sex with slightly older boy. The boy is the son of a couple that my wife and I consider our closest friends. The two kids practically have grown up as brother and sister for the past 10 years.

There was no mistake made in what the two kids were doing (having sexual intercourse), which was confirmed the following day by our daughter’s gynecologist with the presence of semen within her vagina. The gynecologist informed us that there was no vaginal injury as the result of having sex because she has been maturing for 1-2 years; in a strickly technical sense capable of intercourse. From what little our daughter has spoken about it to my wife, it was consensual sex that started in February; it was infrequent, but they have had sex numerous times. I honestly think she doesn’t understand what motivated her to start having sex because she asked my wife why sex was so tempting when she was with alone with the boy.

The situation has put a strain on everyone and a part of me wishes I had never decided to come home early that day. Prior to me finding the two kids in our daughter’s bedroom, I had a wonderful and close relationship with my daughter, now she has a hard time saying anything to me. I think that because I was the one who found them having sex, that makes our relationship more difficult. As I reflect, she had been having sex occasionally with the boy, and because nobody knew, we all were happy. Now that they were discovered, life is very stressful all the time for everyone involved. It is hard to clear my mind and to think about the other 100 things I use to think about on a daily basis.

Our close friends feel very guilty as well because it was their son who was involved. I don’t blame them for what happened, and I am not too upset with the boy either because it was a mutual sexual attraction and exploration that had gone too far. My wife use to talk to them on the phone nearly every day, now she never talks to them. Nobody is angry with anyone, it is just so awkward that it is just easier not to see or talk to each other. Our daughter clearly feels guilty that things are so different now and stressful among people who are great friends. For a preteen girl, I know that is a heavy burden. My wife has tried to talk to her about it, but our daughter just starts to cry and apologies over and over and over promising that she will never have sex again. We don’t want to make her think or feel sex is bad, we just want to help her understand sex and hopefully she will make good choices in the future.

My wife and I agree our daughter is still too young to be sexually active, but it is also too late to put the genie back in the bottle. It is one thing to be having a sexual dialog with a 14-15 year old (at least mother - daughter conversations), but I don't think we can have that same conversation with a 11-12 year old, at least not with our daughter. She not worldly by any means and still very much a girl in her behavior and interests.

There is all kinds of information on the internet on what to say to teenagers who are sexually active, but it assume you are talking to a teenager of 14+. I have yet to find any information on this very difficult problem of pre-teen sex unless it is related to sexual abuse by an adult. There is information on what to say to pre-teens about sex, but is directed primarily towards pre-teens who are just beginning to become curious about sex.

I am sure in time we will come to understand this better, but we don't want to make matters worse as we progress forward. Sorry to make this so long, it makes me feel slightly better to write my thoughts down in an anonymous way. I just can't speak to friends or family about it for my daughter's privacy and well being; people that know her would start treating her different after they found out, and that would only make the situation worse for her.