musicmom

[quote=evilbrent;53470]So it turns out that my relationship is going south with my wife. Nothing's really wrong - there's no infidelity or mistrust, we don't scream or hate each other. We have a pretty good existence, and we basically get along and work well together.

The problem is simply that her weight gain, depression, self esteem issues etc etc etc have evaporated what was left of our relationship. She has no more need for sex and frankly I'm just losing the ability to cope with the troughs of her depression.

I'm not being mean, this is just factual. I love her to bits, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I've got limits. I want to be happy, I want to be with someone who wants to be happy. She doesn't want to be happy. It's up to her.

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Anyway, what's it like being separated? For me, peace.

How does it happen?You find a cheap apartment or a roomate and go your own way.

Do kids adjust? In a way. It's never easy on children and they never understand it but you can make it more comfortable. Will they grow up to be axe murderers? Probably not.

Can I still be a good dad, and make a choice to leave a woman who doesn't love me the way she used to? Absolutley! Just don't turn into "disney dad". Which means do not try and buy their affection when you are with them.

Honestly, would I be a bad person to stay in this empty (but comfortable) life forever?Not really It's a kind of trade-off right? No My kids would end up having a less conflicted childhood, but I'd end up having a less exhilarating / satisfying life. Is that a reasonable choice?No Is it ok to choose my children over myself?Yes

I'm married, right. 10 years this coming January. How much crap am I obliged to wade through to honor my pledge? As long as there is no abuse going on, you should work it out. I mean, when we go married... I didn't really think about it that much, I was 19, but I guess that I at least had an expectation that things were going to go well - that we'd grow together, that she wouldn't just fade away on me like this. But am I supposed to sit her for another 10... 30! years?Yes and find things for yourself. There is no reason you can not reinvent yourself and be happy while staying in a marriage. Make yourself better and maybe she'll follow.

But what's it like being separated?It's hard on the children and it pulls you further away from the person you married. You eventually get used to it and realize things can be tolerated. You can not change anyone around you only yourself. You need to stick it out for the kids sake, you made that commitment to her and to them. You do not walk away when things get stale. Sounds like your wife needs some postiveness around her. Are you giving that?[/quote]