Quote:
Originally Posted by Precious Amber  For some reason, I am unable to value my son for his positive qualities. Now that I have been told, explicitly, that these views are wrong, cruel, and selfish, I can see that the problem in our relationship lies with me, and only me. |
First, please know I am not judging you as a person, but I was judging the wording of your original post.
I am very glad to hear that you love your son, and do indeed see that being so brutally honest and reaching out for help had to be very difficult. The fact that you want to get help means there is hope for you and your son.
Communication and counceling, for yourself and in learnng to communicate, are both good ideas. And no, as others have mentioned, you are not the only person in the world who has ever felt this way. Most though, who do, never see it for what it is and have no desire to fix it.
As for not being able to value your son for who he is, JMO, but, the first thing you need to figure out how to do is to let go of that idealized image you held of how your child would be before he was born. It is not that much different than little Johnny's father wishing for a football hero of a son, only to find little Johnny is horrible at sports and prefers to play chess instead. Dad feels horribly disappointed. How could a son of his not enjoy what he enjoys, be what he always envisioned him to be, love something dad cannot stand or understand... and therein lies the problem. Dad doesn't understand or like what his son prefers, it is foreign and thus viewed negatively on first instinct.
So please do, take a look at your son, a real look without your own expectations as reference. Find something positive, no matter what it is, that you can latch on to. You do not have to believe he is handsome, to believe he is beautiful, but I am sure we are not talking quasimodo here either. My point was, wanting him to be handsome because it would make life a little easier for him is one thing, wanting him to be handsome because it makes life easier for you or because you believe his looks somehow reflect poorly on you is a very different outlook. You mentioned dark hair and pale skin, maybe the two of you, if he has any interest, can find a little common ground by discussing a hair style/color change. Just a minor suggestion.
Just bear in mind the things which make him smart and special may not be things you find interesting or with much value, try to step outside the box and not judge them by your standards, but by his passions and skills for/with them.
I've also seen my share of pure jock dad's cheering on their chess player boys, as I've seen parents like the opposite from above. So, good luck
