Jakesmom

I am at my wit's end with my son and thought I would reach out to other parents and/or teachers in hopes of some suggestions, advice etc.

Let me start by saying, that he is a good kid - he's friendly, helpful to others, empathetic, caring, has never really had behavior problems (outside of being a mouthy teen at times lol), polite etc. My frustration comes from his bad grades, lack of motivation, and basically lack of regard for anything that doesnt involve entertaining him it seems.

He is a bright child, always has been. In 3rd grade FCAT tests it showed that he understood reading on a 7th grade level and math on a 10th grade level. This kids grasp of math and the ability to quickly figure out math problems in his head really is awesome. As a matter of fact, up until this year he has never received anything but an A in math. HIs elementary grades were always good - A's & B's - and the only complaint we ever rec'd was that he was a little too talkative at times.

Oh but it all went downhill once middle school started (he is in 8th grade right now). He started 6th grade in a Magnet Program, which is an advanced program within the school. You have to receive certain grades to get in and maintain certain grades to stay in. Well, in 2 of his classes he didnt meet the requirements and went back to a "traditional" curriculum. While my hubby and I were upset, we thought, ok, its not the end of the world, lets work with him to get the grades up and we can try magnet again in high school because we know he is definitely smart enough for it. Honestly, now Im at a point I will just be happy if he makes it through high school. Its sad, its frustrating and I dont know what to do anymore.

Every year has been a constant struggle with his grades and with doing assignments. My honor roll student is now bringing home grades that I am not happy with at all, grades that do not reflect what he is capable of. He has brought home D's on his report card - not every subject - but even one is one too many in my book. I dont even like to see a C, only because I know he is capable of much more. If I honestly believed he tried his hardest and a C was the best he could do, I would be ok with that though. ANd he knows this. He has brought home F's on his progress reports (they get report cards every 6 weeks, with progress reports in bewteen). We find out through a website called Parent Connect that he has missing assignments all the time. Some of these assignments are classwork he didnt get done, because I assume he was too busy talking or not paying attention, some are homework that i guess he just didnt feel like doing. He's not finishing or hell in one case, even turning in projects. Some tests and quizzes are good, others not good. The final straw was last night - we found out that he is getting a 39% currently in Algebra and has 5 missing assignments. 39%??? I was LIVID! More so by the fact that this class is a good opportunity for him - it is an advanced class and if he gets a B or better he gets high school credit for it. I was so mad at him last night that I was yelling and that made him upset. I even yelled the phrase "apparently you dont give a rat's ass about school work or your grades". Ok, not a parent-like thing to say, but to say I was frustrated would be an understatement. You can only imagine how bad I felt for having said this. Even though Im a parent, Im also a real person - one who gets upset and says things out of anger sometimes. We all went to bed upset last night, which bothers me. At one point this year he had like 15 missing assignments in various classes. When I ask him why something didnt get done I always get "i dont know" or "well no one else got it done in class either". When you ask if he has any missing assignments he used to say "i dont think so" When I asked him last week if he had any he said no, to which I said good job honey, Im proud of you for trying to bring you grades up this semester and getting your work done. Well dont I feel like the fool now...

We have tried telling him how important school, doing your best and pride in your work are. And that good grades/scores and good study habits are needed for college. College equals getting a degree in engineering (which for a few years now he has wanted to go into, I know things change, he is only 13, but he has a real aptitude towards it). We have tried everything we can think of to help him. He is very unorganized. So we thought maybe thats the key. We bought him extra folders to keep just homework assignments in. We got a planner for him to write down daily assignments, upcoming tests, projects etc and generally what he has done in class. That is hit or miss. We established that he is not to go outside or turn on the tv until he gets homework done. But obviously all the times he tells us he has no work to do is just so he can go outside with his friends - judging by the missing assignments. We have rewarded him for good grades. We have punished him by taking away priviledges for bad grades. We let him know ALL THE TIME that we are available for homework help - ANYTIME. We have tried the "all up in your business" route and the back off and let him learn from his own mistakes and the consequences of those mistakes route. Neither have worked it seems. We have talked till we have nothing left to say (which by the length of this post is a lot for me). We try to get him to read the newspaper (or anything outside his norm genre) or watch some tv that isnt just entertaining, but educational as well - history channel, Discovery/Discovery Kids channel, learning channel etc. You would think we were punishing him by doing that, the way he moans and groans about it. Nothing seems to work. He is forgetful - unless its something that benefits him. If I ask him to do something, 9 out of 10 times he forgets. If I were to tell him though that on Thursday Dec 27 at 9:16 am we were going to go the mall, park in the north lot, row J, 3 spaces to the left, go into the mall and get him a new video game - he would remember every detail of that.

We dont ask a lot of him...school is his number one job. Outside of that we only ask him to help out with things like trash, folding towels and unloading/loading the dishwasher. Thats it. I believe in letting a kid be a kid. We try not to put more pressure on him than a teen coming into puberty already has LOL. But he is 13 and in 8th grade now. He has to start becoming more motivated, serious about his studies and responsible. I really believe college = more choices in life, more opportunities. How do I get him to understand that? Can you get a teenager to realize the importance of that? While I realize that college isnt the route for everyone, this habit of just doing enough to get by, and sometimes even not that much is a hard row to hoe? Hard work and dedication are the foundation of being successful in most things you do - work, relationships, school etc. How do I get him to understand AND apply that? Im so upset by this...I dont know what to do anymore. I want to pull my hair out Im so frustrated. Im almost to the point where I just want to throw out the white flag and surrender and let him find out what the consequences are when you dont apply yourself or work hard.

If only he would be half as concerned with school as he is hanging with friends & video games...

Im sorry this is so long, but as you can tell this is a struggle in our family and its really wearing me out. I appreciate any tips, advice - anything. Thank you!

FooserX

Well one possibility would be that he could be too smart for his classes. None of us here know your son, but what you have described sounds a little like what kids do when school bores them. If it’s not a challenge, they lose interest, and then bad grades happen. Just one thought…but that is probably wishful thinking for a parent.

I kinda am wondering how someone can be doing so horrible anyway. If you are home, and make him do his homework…how can he miss assignments? How can he not be learning something if you are there to make sure he’s spending time doing it? Do you guys work with him to be sure he’s getting it? How can he only want to be with friends and play video games? Why is he even allowed to do those things?

Jakesmom

Well, right now he is grounded from video games and his pc. But Im not sure thats working anymore, seeing how I just found out about the missing assignments and F in science and math. He has to write down in his agenda what he did in each class and any assignments. Every night we ask him to see it and we go over it and also ask if there is any homework if we dont see it written down. Most times he says he has none. A lot of these missing assignments - I would say at least 90% - are missing classwork. There doesnt seem to be a lot of homework, outside of any special projects, given by most of his teachers. I kind of find missing classwork even more frustrating because Im thnking "if youre not doing your assignments during class, what are you doing?". To which I get the excuses stated in my original post.

I hesitate grounding him from playing outdoors because I like him to get the fresh air and exercise, but he isnt allowed out until we have gone over his agenda for the day and homework is done. Im sure he just wants to get outside so he says "nope Mom, no homework tonight".

FooserX

I'm with you, how is it possible to not complete assignments done in class?

What the hell kind of teacher even allows that? Have you met with them? What do they say?

I'm assuming his PC doesn't have internet access, too. I've seen a lot of people get sucked into the net, and get lost while their real life suffers.

Jakesmom

We have corresponded with them, but havent met them. That will have to be the next step. We express our concerns, they tell us that he is a good kid, not a behavior problem but he is too social and doesnt use hs time wisely. Thats about it. Big school, lots of kids, lack of time I guess.

His pc does have internet access. We monitor things he does, have passwords etc. He played an online game with his friends for awhile but voluntarily stopped because he said he was spending too much time on it. He mostly uses it, well, when he wasnt grounded, for putting music on his ipod and using AIM. He does have time limits on it.

musicmom

It sounds like you are a wonderful parent and this is typical behavior for children in middle school. Middle schoolers start getting into socializing and grouping with their peers. Sometimes (not always) teachers give up. Sometimes if a child acts disinterested the teacher doesn't make it a point because she is busy with the one's that make her day easier. You (in my opinion) are doing exactly what you need to be doing.
Maybe he just isn't grasping something in the math, he may be hitting a barrier. Please don't get angry with him. It will only discourage him. Be patient and if he does something to make you angry you need to go think about it for a few minutes before talking to him. Both parents should gang up either. If he decides "I quit" then you are all in trouble. Good luck. I hope you get through to him

Jakesmom

Thank you for your reply. I try not to get angry, but I will admit, it is hard. Im not usually a yeller, but with this issue, I feel like Im talking to a brick wall. Of course I feel horrible about what I said and that we all went to be upset. Im taking everyone out for a nice dinner tonight and plan on letting him know, that while I was upset I shouldnt have said what I did and yelled.

As far as grasping math...I have asked him if this advanced class is too hard for him or if he isnt getting it and he says no. The work he does turn in, he gets good grades. A friend of the family who is very good at algebra was talking to him about it and looked over some work he had done and said it looked good. So who knows whats going on...boy these teen years sure are tough - and they are just starting! =)

Jakesmom

My son has played baseball (3 seasons), soccer (2) & flag football (2). He tried them, liked them the first few years and then lost interest, but he never quit before the season ended. And he always gave each sport, IMO, a fair chance. He just isnt a "sports kids". He doesnt enjoy watching it and the only thing he enjoys along those lines in an occasional game of football with his friends. He tried karate when he was 5 but didnt want to devote the time to practice, I kind of chalk that up to hs age. He is getting a guitar for Xmas, so we will see how that goes.

He has one half brother who lives in MI (we r in FL). He goes there every summer and every other Xmas.

My husband is his stepfather. His father and I stopped dating shortly after he was born. I have been with his stepfather for 8 yrs.

The school district is harder to answer...we have many schools. Some good, some bad. I would say they school he is in now is more inner city than suburban, but I wouldnt actually call it inner city. Its about 20 miles from our home, but it was the school withthe magnet program we wanted when he got into 6th grade. The school is big, about 1200 hundred student in his middle school, with about 20-30 kids per class on average.

Hope that helps!

BarbP

It sounds to me that you are doing the best you can and that is the only thing any of us can to. As far as advice other than talking to his teachers directly to see why his classwork is not being done I can't think of anything to add. I kind of know where you are coming from because I have a son who is 18 now and I still struggle to find ways to motivate him. Same thing here, he is a good kid but lacks organization and motivation.

He wants to work and has been looking for a job but in my opinion he should be much more aggressive than he is. He puts the applications in but doesn't do follow ups like I think he should. He's laid back by nature and sometimes that's a good thing as far as getting along with people but definitely not good when competing for jobs.

I had the same problem with him in his school years that you are having. I knew he was smart enough but didn't apply himself. I went through a very hard frustrating time with that to say the least! I did all I could do but he ended up failing. What made it worse is I was in the middle of a divorce and my ex kept blaming me!

Anyway after he failed I went with him to classes to get his GED (I had quit school so I got mine at the same time) Doing this together kept him motivated, actually he aced his GED exam. We both passed and that was great but now I am trying to get him more motivated in his job search!

He does have a big interest in the things I am doing online and has been helping me out and learning marketing at the same time but I told him he still needs to get a job and a steady income right now. I am paying his car insurance and I have now imposed a deadline that I will stop paying. Hopefully that will light a fire under his but. Anyway, I really didn't mean to make this so long. I can tend to talk to much!

Just keep trying different things and hopefully things will come together. One thing I did do last night is we had went to my nieces for Christmas Eve and she had just bought a beautiful house and has really been successful. She has a college degree and has a great job and I did tell him that if he wants to achieve that kind of success that he has to apply himself and make things happen. I let him know he is a smart person and he can do anything he puts his mind to but it does take action and now that he is 18 it's time to get the ball rolling and start building his future.

eric@sealguide

It looks like you have gotten a lot of feed back on this already, but I thought I would offer one more suggestion.

I had a similar problem with my 12 year old son. Bright but no interest. His mother would ground him and take away games, internet etc. Really no long lasting effect. Being that we are divorced we made a point to sit down and come up with a solution together, this way we could have a united front. Since I have an extensive background in motivation, and leadership she allowed me to step in with a new plan. It's not perfect but it has fixed the problem.

First whatever you do don't make it so complicated that you will not be able to remain consistent. Second make sure whatever you do you remain consistent. With that said here is how we dealt with it. Also I'm making the assumption that you have checked into all the scary reasons kids all of a sudden start getting bad grades. You know drugs, abuse etc. Assuming that's all been covered I will more on to the plan.

We determined that he was capable of getting all B's. We set the bar there. We then determined how many hours a day can we possibly expect him to do schoolwork. We determined 4 hours at home plus his normal school day.

We told him that if his grades slip below a B he will then have to work overtime until he can show us that they are back to a B level. So wether he had homework or assignments didn't matter. He would study extra until he got his average back. Much like a job. Cause and effect right. You need to perform at this level before your done. Once his 4 hours was up if he cooperated, and studied then he was done. Free to do whatever. If he did not cooperate, and tried to just sit there then he would just sit there until bed time.

Missing assignments. I told him there would be no more missing assignments. Wether he was going to get credit for them or not we told him he would have to complete them before he was allowed to have any free-time.

The key elements were this. We sat him down explained the problem, and allowed him to be part of the solution. The other thing is we absolutely followed through, every-time, everyday. I think this is where we as parents often go wrong. We come up with these punishments or groundings that are hard to keep up with so eventually we just throw in the towel.

I know my X-wife had to a couple of times have him move to the 4 hour schedule, and he had to do a couple of assignments for no credit, but after that he realized it was actually easier to comply with our standards.

I'm a big believer in positive feedback, and motivation. Truly great people do things for pleasure and not to avoid pain. This doesn't mean that we should do away with the natural order of the universe. The one that says if you don't at least meet a minimal standard there will be consequences... Every day everytime.

I'm not a fan of grounding. I'm a fan of results.

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Eric Davis

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