zookeeper

My ex-husband is trying to take our children out of private school. Even though they have been in private school since pre-school (they are now in 2nd and 3rd grade), he claims he never “agreed” with private school. Some of his arguments are (1) it will make them elitist and (2) since he didn’t go to private school, but makes a lot of money, his children don’t have to go to private school. My gut tells me he is trying to get out of our settlement agreement to pay ½ of private school tuition if we “agree” on private school. The difference between now and when he originally signed that document is that now (2 years later) he is remarried, has a new baby and moved across the country. I understand he has another life now. I don’t have a problem with that. However, as the sole caregiver and educational support person for his first two daughters (one who tested as gifted and talented so needs more challenge; and one who is bright but a slow processor so needs a smaller class and greater teacher attention) for the foreseeable future, I believe I should have greater say in educational decisions on their behalf. I thought for sure when he moved away, he would change his mind and give them the best education money can buy, since he was not going to be available to help them himself. But no such luck. Perhaps he really is philosophically opposed to private school. He wouldn’t even agree when I offered to pay the whole thing. Any comments, references, and/or past experiences relating to how I should proceed would be appreciated.

jmeyer3131

Regarding public vs private, a lot depends on where you live. In my community, both are excellent. My daughter was in private school until that particular school closed down. It's the same school my Mother attended (and when she passed last year at age 78, she was still regularly seeing friends of hers from eighth grade!) I moved her to public school at that point for a variety of reasons.

I should add that my mother was never ever elitist. That has more to do with personality and general upbringing; there are elitists in both public and private schools. Challenge him to find any studies that say he is right, that it's more than his opinion.

The most important part, though, is that your kids are doing well where they are at. You offered to pay for it, so keep doing it. He may have a disagreement, but I can't foresee that he can legally get it changed when you are paying for it and they are doing well. When kids are doing well where they are at, I can't foresee any reason a judge would make you change what they are doing.

You said your ex is trying to take them out of their school. Is he just withholding payment and saying he doesn't want them in, or is he hiring an attorney? If he is taking legal action, you'll of course need to go to your attorney. I don't think he has a legal leg to stand on, though, when you are willing to pay for everything and your kids have been doing well.

One other question: did he pay for it in the past? If he did, any judge would wonder why he wants to change things now when it was fine before. He may say he never agreed, but look at the agreement. He agreed to pay if he "agreed" with private school, so if in fact he was paying for it before, it indicates agreement. And if he had philosophical disagreements with it, he should've spoken up when they were first enrolled.

I think this will become a nonissue. He's just doing the typical "ex" thing when he says he wants you to pull them even if you pay.

Keep us posted.

__________________
Janet
www.CanIChangeALife.blogspot.com

SageMother

I think you should stick to your original agreement, and you should fight to keep your kids in private school.

Their moving from the private environment to the public environment is not something they should be forced to endure in the middle of elementary school just because its more convenient for your ex-husband, regardless of his arguments. He is truly just trying to lighten his load at the expense of continuity in the lives of your children. I am assuming the divorce decree didn't say "until you find it inconvenient" when addressing his paying half of the schooling.

It would be more appropriate to have that discusssion when they are going from elementary to middle school, when they would be making a change anyway UNLESS they would have continued into middle school where they are now. Then I would keep them in the private school for middle school as well.

This is not meant to imply that public school is bad for your kids, but the reason for the change isn't based on what is best for them. Beware the appearance of altruism. Your ex is doing a sales job on you.

mamab

I'm with the others, stick to your guns! If you think what's best for your children is to keep them where they are, don't let him bully you into moving them. It sounds like it's just a "money" issue to me, I could be wrong. Or his new wife is pushing him to push you so they'll have more money to spend on HER child when it's older.