bmitch300wby

A very good friend of mine divorced her husband of seven years in August. They put their house up for sale and it's still on the market. She had moved into a spare bedroom in her house and her ex stayed in the master. She divorced him due to complete lack of affection, love, emotional needs, and that she was no longer in love with him. After staying in the spare room for months, she found recording devices in her room that he had put there. She then moved into her parents house and sleeps there after putting her kids down to bed at night. Her 5yo has started to act out and show "normal" signs of the divorce that many children have faced. Now, her guilt is massive and feels that she has ruined her childres' lives because she wanted happiness. She is lost and doesn't know what to do to make them better. She is even debating moving back in with the ex as roomates indefinitely until the children are older, sacreficing her happiness.

Does anyone have any advice for her?

Is she selfish for getting out of an unloving marriage?

Thank you in advance.

musicmom

IF she is unhappy then she needs to get out. The kids will get over it and she can also get them counseling. She finds hidden devices and is willing to go back with him...hmmmmm That's very odd. She needs lots of counseling herself.
With counseling things will become alot clearer and she will become stronger. Her children are still young that they can make the adjustment. Remember this saying "it's better to come from a broken home then to be in one"
Be her support and listen when she vents. She is very confused right now. Wish her luck for me.

bmitch300wby

Thank you for the input. I believe she is going to start with the couselling tomorrow. I also believe she'll grow stronger with the help.

FooserX

>>>>She divorced him due to complete lack of affection, love, emotional needs, and that she was no longer in love with him.

You know what...marraige is work. There are plenty of times in a marraige where both parties get lazy, and don't do what they should. I don't know your friend's situtation, but it could be that the husband wasn't getting what he needed either, so he didn't reciprocate, which just created a downward spiral in the relationship. There are going to be times where you don't like your spouse, and even hate them...but that is where people need to man up and put aside their stubborness to make things work.


>>>>Now, her guilt is massive and feels that she has ruined her childres' lives because she wanted happiness.

Good! She should!

It's not like her husband was beating her, or abusing her. She made the decision to have kids, and once that happens, they are the #1 priority. She put herself first by leaving because she "wasn't happy."


>>>>Is she selfish for getting out of an unloving marriage?


Yes...at least to me. It also depends on how hard he/she worked at fixing the problems. To me, people need to fix the issues as soon as they recognize them, not wait until they are so far messed up that they feel unfixable. Both parties seem at fault here, but there is no way to really know in just one post. Did he want a divorce? Did he want to go to counseling? Did she? Did anyone here try to save the marraige by actually working at it? There's a big difference between saying you're unhappy and want to fix things....and ACTUALLY fixing things.

bmitch300wby

Thank you for your input. Actually, she tried for years to get him to go to counselling with her and he would have nothing to do with it. She wrote him notes and letters telling him how she felt and there was no response at all.

She would try to hold his hand and he would not respond. He was closed off completely. He wouldn't even make love to her. I truley believed she tried. about one week before she asked for the divorce, she asked him again about counselling and her feelings and he yelled at her. That was the last straw.

Now I agree, as does she, that if she were getting beat, then yes there would be no guilt. but I do not blame anyone who wants a life of happiness. She is willing to forego that for her children.

FooserX

Was he a good father during all this time he was a bad husband?

bmitch300wby

He was and is a very good father. You're right though by saying he was a bad husband. He even told me that his way of showing her affection, was by mowing the lawn and that she was just too emotional. But he's a good guy.