ntbuddy

My 12 year old, Dylan, was moving boxes and throwing plastic dishes to the dog for fetch. I told him to quit. About two minutes later another came by and was about eye level (5 feet in the air). I called him stupid which made him upset. He says I should've said he was irresponsible. So know I use the word irresponsible and to me it means the same thing. What should I have done (and why)?

I feel I'm a terrible father and need to learn how to better handle things.

John

fallon

frusteration can get the better of us once in a while but I don't think it's right to call your child stupid...JMO I have stopped myself from saying it to my own child. As adults we take words a lot lighter than children do. If I called my husband stupid he would chuckle (depending on the situation of course), he knows I don't think he's stupid. My daughter on the other hand would for sure take that to mean I actually think she's stupid. I guess all I'm trying to say is as parents I think it's important to watch how we talk to our child

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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

ntbuddy

Thanks. I would agree I find the word stupid relatively meaningless but to a child it might not be. The problem is how should I have handled it? To me the word irresponsible means the same as stupid and is just a synonym of the word and also an excuse to try and make it less severe from their prospective.

I'm trying to fix my frustrations and become a good father but because I called him stupid he now is being rewarded which I feel is wrong but I keep being told that it's more right than punishing him. I'm obviously wrong in my thinking and feel my upbringing is probably part of it but don't want to turn them into the terrible person I presently am and turn them into the person I know I can be.

Ari2

I don't think "stupid" and "irresponsible" are truly synonyms, although I understand your point. IMO, "stupid" is longer-term and personal, but "irresponsible" is short-term and less personal. I agree that "stupid" from an adult's perspective is fairly meaningless - you surely don't mean your kid's IQ dropped - but I think these terms do have an emotional impact and shouldn't be avoided.

When we had a dog and cat, we had problems with my nephew when he was about your son's age. So he got a warning and explanation ("[name], please do not do that to the dog - she has feelings too and does not like it") and then second time they were separated. Since we have a small house with limited dog-space, this often meant he was sent upstairs or outside, not the pet. Sometimes, this was a pain, but it's important for safety and fairness to both the kid and the pet. In the situation you described, I would have taken away the boxes and plastic dishes, if possible, with a warning and very brief explanation. At the second offense I would have escorted the child elsewhere or put the dog somewhere else.

Easier said than done, of course. You seem very aware of your shortcomings (and we all have them in excess ). I hope things get easier for you soon.

ntbuddy

Thanks for the replies. I guess separation is a good thing which is hard to do at times.

The Roget's New Millenium Thesaurus actually has stupid as one of the synonyms for irresponsible and defines stupid as "lack of ability" and irresponsible as "lack of knowledge".

Being I asked the first time to not do it again and it was done again that's why I said stupid. Of course, I could probably find a lot of other definitions as well and with that I'm going to try my best to not say stupid or even irresponsible and try and take your advice by still asking our kids to stop and if they persist try something else other than say something that can hurt.

John

jtee

My wife and I agree that using the terms such a "stupid" tends to lower a child's self worth. We've never said.

ntbuddy

I would agree but the key question now that we know I was 100% wrong how should it have been handled? John

fallon

If it was me I would have sent him to his room and probably told him no tv or video games or whatever. At 12 he should have listened to the first time you told him to stop, he choose not to so he should have to deal with going with out whatever it is you take away. All of this should be done without name calling. Simply put...you decided not to listen to me and as your parent I have decided not to allow you to watch the TV today. Maybe next time you will do what I say the first time you are told and we will both be happy

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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

ntbuddy

Thank you. I like that as an answer and help and guidance in turning me into a better father.

jenilouise

I would have said he was behaving irresponsibly (his behavior was the problem not him personally) and that he could spend some time in his room without television/video games/ etc. reflecting on how to behave in a resposible manner. Also I suggest making a list of words that are not allowed in the house by anyone and putting stupid on it. We have one.

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