forum type thing? Forum Stuff Discuss forum type thing? in the ParentingForums.org forums; I agree with Music-dad. If he doesn't want to know anything why tell him? Especially when there is a court order. I don't see why you would ...

[ljmahr]

I agree with Music-dad. If he doesn't want to know anything why tell him? Especially when there is a court order. I don't see why you would want him to know doc appts and such if he isn't interested in knowing? Something that took me a long time to realize is: You can not force someone to be a good parent, they have to want to. It was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn with my oldest 2 dd's father. It sounds to me like you just want what is best for your ds and you think it's having a father. Why would he want a father who doesn't care about doc appts or other appts? I would run everything by my lawyer before I did anything.

[.:Kalli Rae:.]

Yep I totally agree with Laura and MD. Don't do anything without running it by your lawyer and just lay low for now.

[musicmom]

Originally Posted by Music-dad

Ok, I followed up on you other posts, it seems to me that even if you did get him the info you would want you are co-violating a court order, and with his current attitude, he would just turn you in, and then you are in trouble. This is one of the oddest situations I've ever been privy too, to tell you the truth.

I would get yourself the best lawyer you can afford, but if ex-hubby has no interest in his child, I say at this point why take the risk, if you break a "no contact" court order, you are the "bad guy" in the eyes of the law, and that will give him the upper hand.

If you were to set up a secret website for his eyes only, how long do you think it would take for him to turn over the URL and the password to his lawyers and then the authorities, and try to turn the tables on you?

I say, at this point, lay low, follow the court recommendations to a tee, if he tries to contact you, inform the authorities immediately, don't take any chances what-so-ever. Do everything by-the-book!

Get a good lawyer now!, and ask his advice on every single move you make.

Don't take a chance on losing custody, if he doesn't wanna know anything, don't bother telling him anything. (for now at least)

I believe you were the OP of the "Nightmare" Thread,?

I agree. They see woman doing exactly what you are doing all the time. Don't think that you are coming up with something new. I am exhausted just by reading it I couldn't imagine living in it.
I agree with md on this.

[Ari2]

Originally Posted by budnkota

He is not really interested in what is going on with our son, but I feel an obligation to let him know, simply b/c it's best for R. I also want to make it accessible to a few other people (such as his parents), inviting them to keep up to date on what's going on in R's life. My reasoning for that? Because I want this to be the primary method of communication - and he can't continue to make many of the claims he does with regard to R and visitation if select others can clearly see that his stories are not accurate.
I also know that he feeds Amy a whole lot of BS about our communication. I heard the same stories myself once, with regard to his ex-wife. It's going to be hard for him to keep those claims up if she can log in herself and see what is said.
Another plus - if I make headings like health, school, etc, it will say how many people have viewed it. If I post that he went to the docs and nobody has read it, that demonstrates a lack of interest on his part
So if I put it in some kind of private forum, I am in no way contacting him - just putting the info in an accessible place.

Maybe you don't want a comment like this and are just looking for technical info. If so, just ignore what follows.

You say that you want private forum because 1) it's best for your son that his dad have a way to follow his life, 2) it will let others such as your son's paternal grandparents to stay updated, 3) other, such as the grandparents and Amy, will read your posts and believe you, not him, and 4) his not logging in will show a lack of interest. All of this seems like you might want to step back and reconsider.

Would his parents and Amy believe you over him simply because they read your posts on the net? If they were so willing to believe you, why haven't they believed any of the (I am assuming) sworn documents that are part of your case? Or anything you have said in person? I don't see how putting it on the net will give you more credibility with regard to people who know you in person and - for whatever reason, logical or not - distrust what you are saying. And I think regardless of the medium (online, court document, whatever), his parents and his GF would be unlikely at this point to believe your version of events over his.

I think a similar thing applies with regard to him not logging in. I think it would reasonable for a court or person to come to a conclusion other than that he is disinterested. It may be that he believes his viewing it will violate the spirit of the restraining order. Or it may be that relations between the two of you are so contentious that he doesn't want anything to do with your forum or sees ignoring it as a way to hurt you.

As for doing what is best for your son: I think it is wonderful that you want to keep the paternal side of his family informed. But perhaps not until things between you and your son's father have cooled down significantly. In the meantime, you could keep a journal or scrapbook, with the idea that one day it will be possible for your son's father and his family to enjoy and realize what they missed and the costs of this conflict. It seems like the best thing for your son is for his parents to find a way to have a civil relationship after all this is finished. I hope that happens for all three of you, but this idea seems like it could turn into another point of contention between the two of you and another way for you to be hurt by him.

[budnkota]

The court order is not against me. It is against him. He is not allowed to call me at all, and is only allowed to contact me via email or text message. It would in no way be a violation of ANYTHING for me to make the information available to him. As a matter of fact, there are things that I am legally obligated to make him aware of.

And since he likes to claim that he's so "denied" and that I am attempting to "alienate" him (ironic, considering I go out of my way to make sure Ry respects his relationships with his father's family), it is important that I have a history of documents.

I don't mean completely private - I'll give the URL to the parenting coordinator, attorneys and a few family members on both sides. It's not some kind of covert, undercover operation - but I also don't want identifying information being spilled out to whomever should happen upon it.

Obviously, I can't HARASS him or anything like that, but I am in no way prohibited from providing him info.

[Ari2]

Originally Posted by budnkota

The court order is not against me. It is against him. He is not allowed to call me at all, and is only allowed to contact me via email or text message. It would in no way be a violation of ANYTHING for me to make the information available to him. As a matter of fact, there are things that I am legally obligated to make him aware of.

And since he likes to claim that he's so "denied" and that I am attempting to "alienate" him (ironic, considering I go out of my way to make sure Ry respects his relationships with his father's family), it is important that I have a history of documents.

I don't mean completely private - I'll give the URL to the parenting coordinator, attorneys and a few family members on both sides. It's not some kind of covert, undercover operation - but I also don't want identifying information being spilled out to whomever should happen upon it.

Obviously, I can't HARASS him or anything like that, but I am in no way prohibited from providing him info.

I didn't mean to imply the court order is against you. I changed the sentence from "It may be that he believes it will violate the spirit of the restraining order" to "It may be that he believes his viewing it will violate the spirit of the restraining order" to reflect better what I meant. I'm sorry if I was unclear or made it sound like the order was against you.

[budnkota]

I nned to clraify a few things.
1) he likes to try to claim that he's "denied" all the time. If the info is made available to him, he can choose to access it if he wants to. If he doesn't, that's his perogative, but it would be available. How can I be attempting to "alienate" him as claimed, when it's very clearly documented that info was made available to him. Going through hundreds of pages of emails over the past few years gets to be a nightmare. But if I were to create different categories, it'd be all condensed into one categorized space

2) It's also not about his family "beleiving." However, it's hard for him to say that I am denying him and all of the other claims he makes when others can see that is not the case. I made at least 10 major accomodations in the past 2 1/2 months, but even the evaluator said that "it doesn't look like you accomodate to me." If you are choosing to miss it, it would be very easy to do at this point. It's less easy to do when it's all on the same page, rather than back-and forth emails. I can print the whole page at once and it eliminates the flipping back and forth between documents. That's what he depends on, that others are not exposed to his interactions with the other party. He's totally different when there is somebody to hold him accountable or he thinks there's even a chance somebody could be looking on. Even if he thinks member of my family are checking in on the site to see what's up with Ry, he's going to be different.
As far as Amy goes, she's made ludicrous claims regarding my contact (that it's "daily" and an attempt to get him back), but I think it's because she sincerely beleives what he tells her I know I did with regard to his ex-wife at one time. (and keep in mind, the evaluator bought every word they said, even when the facts contradicted it.. ). It's a little harder for her to make those claims when she actually SEES what is said. "Ry shoved a bead up his nose. @ docs to remove" is a far cry from an attempt to get with somebody. But that's not what he tells her. Just as he used to do to me with relation to his exwife (I only found out later), he'll just make things up to be able to play the victim. She can't really make assinine comments like that when A) she actually sees what is written and B) He's seeking out the info, not me directly contacting him

3) I don't anticipate a synopsis of events that occur between the parties - but rather when he decided that he is going to ask me to change the schedule, it's documented. Right now, these things come through meetings w/parenting coordinator, and she does not document who made the request. Only that a change was made. It's always ME making the adjustments, but you don't see that right now, because he's not asking in a written format.

4) he has no problem accessing my info on other internet formats. Amy has kind of stalked me around the internet a bit and he has made that known.

THe last advice I was given by the attorney was to make sure everything was documented. That would include providing him information (he's claimed to the court before that he was not given information that he WAS given). Even when I moved and gave him the info, he claimed he didn't know where we lived. For this reason, attempts to make info accessible to him need to always be clearly documented. accomodations, information about Ry's well-being and progress, etc. I do this by saving emails, but it's so hard to keep organized that way.

[musicmom]

I guess I don't understand how there is a restraining order that you placed against him for a reason but you want to go against it. It doesn't matter that it's on him and not you. You still have to obide as well.
If you want his family to know what's going on with the child then scrap book every few months and give it to them.
You seem to be stirring trouble.
Let the garbage fall where it may, you have your child. You should have what you want.
Get a filing cabnet, it's not that hard to save things.
Do they think you are crazy? What are they trying to prove? It does sound like you are causing more issues to be honest.
Why can't you just stop. This Amy person (the fiance should not play even a small part in any of thise) I guess its just our town. Our judges do not even allow gf's into the court rooms.