Cait

Hiya guys i have a question thats slighty off topic..

it's about my dad and his girlfriend..

But, well, you guys as parents.. have relationships and maybe you could help me out!


ok, my dad and this girl supposidly have known eachother for awhile now...

and they hadnt talked in forever while my dad was married.

well, my mom died in 2005...

and magically my dad is obsessed with other girls now.

He doesnt want tofind ANY guy friends at all (not BOY friends but just friends in general)

He doesnt care about the guys he knows that may consider him a friend.

for ex: This guy named Fred.. he's really nice and him and my dad get along.. but my dad never wants to physically go to his house or anything.. or even call him.. or anything.

He's like this with all guys he knows. He never ever approaches them for socialness..

BUT.. when GIRLS come into the picture.. like his girlfriend, coleen..

He is obsessed. He will go out of his way.. to do anything for this girl..

He's over there 4/7 nights of the week.. and when he's NOT over there, he is on the phone with her..

and Coleen is pretty crazy.. She has mental problems, seriously

In the winter time when dad would come home.. anywheres from 10pm-4am from her house.. She would NEEED Him to call her when he got home (Its long distance!! It costs money!!!) to make sure he got home..

EVERY day.. All the time.. It was pretty crazy.. even when the roads werent bad..

Now spring is here.. theres NO REASON WHATSOEVER he needs to call her. The roads arent bad.. My dad van is in amazing condition.. No reason at all.

Personally, I think shes paranoid.. Paranoid her personal slave might not make it home to be her slave another day.

When he goes over there.. it's JUST to fix her stuff.. she has him fix all of her stuff..

Just what i can remember he has fixed her.. Stove, Truck, Baby bed, her bed, doors, picnic table, fence, truck, camera, helped her pack all of her stuff, move it to another house, set everything up.. He traveled with her like an hour- hour and a half drive to Coleen's daughter's house to help them fix all of their stuff... He needs me to be off the internet sometimes because Coleen's daughter and her husband dont get along and the phone has to be open in case my dad has to take coleen down to her daughters and pick her daugher up.. WTH??

And all this is just what i can remember from what he's told me.

Ive never been to her house.. he wont ever take me. now i dont want to go.

She has only been to our house once.. And that was for like 10 minutes.


When my dad goes over there, he lies about what time he's going to be gone.. but its not just with her.. If he goes down to our neighbors house he says "Oh ill be back in 20 minutes" and he's not home for 4 hours..

If he goes to her house, he says he'll be back at 6..and he's not back till midnight.

I asked him when he's guna stop lying to us about when he's going to be home.. and hes like "Yeah well...."

I ask him when he is going to stop being her personal slave. He says "Yeah, whatever"


They never ever go on dates or anything. All they do is go to her house and fix things.

Coleen's neighbor is also obsessed with coleen.. coleens youngest daughter, shannon and him have teamed up and refuse to give coleen my dad's phone messages.. and spread rumors about him that are SOO untrue.. He tells me "if he ever comes over to our house, I want you to lock the doors and dont let him in, cuz he might wanna hurt you guys or something"

LOL he could prevent this in the first place... and what i wanna know is why a 16 year old girl is going over to a 40 year old man's house all alone and schieming things!

She is using my dad REALLY BAD and he refuses to see it, even though i tell him he is being used. and worst of all, he's making enemies.


When me and my brother need something fixed, for ex.. he will wait for weeks, months, or forget about it.. but he'll jump through hoops for this girl..

what can i do to stop this?

When all of her stuff gets fixed shes likely to dump him, LOL..

how can i tell him to consider the situation? so he doesnt get hurt.. and so we get our dad back..

My dad is a nice guy, okay, lots of common sense, no credit card debt.. he's just not the brightest crayon in the box..

...and when it comes to a pair of boobs, his IQ drops significantly

*sigh*

what shall i do?

thanks guys

~Cait

musicmom

Men will be men and they like to look at girls. By him fixing things he is feeling useful. Sometimes men just need to be needed and appreciated. Hopefully he's not dumb enough to get involved with a sixteen year old.
I don't think he's doing anything wrong. Not to make light of your mothers death. I am so sorry. He does need to move on and they handle it in their own way. It is not your place to have an opinion about your fathers life. Nothing wrong with a little eye candy and maybe he just needs that self esteem. No big deal. But......this is my opinion.

Trina

Cait, my first question is how old are you and your brother? It makes a difference on how I reply.

fallon

I agree...in this case it will really make a difference

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Kaytee

I also agree.

On a side note though, my mom died when I was in 7th grade. My dad also started dating A LOT!! Like very nigth, I met some of his girlfriends but not all of them. The reason he did this though was because he was lonely. He had been married for 20 some years and was now along. No wife to come home to, no one to talk to about his day (kids odn't count no offense) he was just plain lonely. He ended up remarrying when I was in 9th grade.

I do strongly suggest you talk to your dad though.

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jtee

I got totally lost on this one.

budnkota

I think there is something about the loss of a partner that really messes people up on a deep level. In a different way than it affects the children left behind.

I know when my mom died, within a month the man who had been her fiance had another woman living in the apartment he and my mom had shared. Within a couple months, they were married.
When they were just dating and I confronted him on the fact that this woman was wearing my mom's clothes, his twisted response was "how do you know ***** is not a gift from your mother?"
I don't think he was trying to be an idiot - I really think he needed to beleive that (his first wife had been my mom's best friend, and died of the same thing as my mom about 10 years earlier. He'd also lost his daughter in a drunk driving accident early in the relationship with my mom.). I just think that it was a way to handle his grief.

Perhaps when your father is doing things for colleen, he feels like he is somehow making up for the things he never did for your mother - or the things that he didn't do as rapidly as she would have liked.

And perhaps she worries about him for reasons you guys aren't aware of. Parents don't like to expose their children to too much of their emotions. Perhaps he's expressed things to her than give her cause for concern. Perhaps he needs somebody to talk with who ISN'T as emotionally invested as you kids... somebody with a little distance. Maybe he needs to talk about your mom, and can't bring himself to do it with you because he's all too aware of your loss and it's too painful....

I wonder if you dad is just in a state of emotional transition right now
Maybe for the time being, you and your brother could learn to do some minor repairs yourself. (based off your post, I am guessing you to be about 15?) It's really not that hard to do basic home maintenance and it's something everybody should know how to do anyway.

On the plus side, while it may be hard, try to appreciate that he's not forcing you to spend time with her. Perhaps what you seem to percieve as "trying to hide her" or something is actually attempting to preserve your and your brother's emotions. He's not trying to "replace" your mother or anything like that.

budnkota

Based off what she said in her previous posts, she's either 13 or 14 now...

Cait

Lol

I'm 19... believe it or not :/

My brother is 13...

Why my year of birth wasn't in my profile, I don't know...


But either way, I appreciate your responses... and it helps me realize a bit better why he's doing it... to feel *usefull*.

Around here, I always help out all of the REAL 13 and 14 year olds.. Driving them to dances, hanging out with them, homework help, etc.

I relate to younger kids a lot better than kids my own age. I just got done with my second year in college, and I have made 0 friends, and have only talked a little bit to one person (besides the teachers.)

I have horrible social skills, unfortunately, which may be why there was the age mix up XP..

but yeah...

thanks guys~ :3

budnkota

?? did your brother post under your name at one point? When I pulled up the history of your previous posts to see more of what your situation was, there was something about being 13?