Parents Forum

kalygulah · 07-12-2008, 10:05 PM

My boyfriend of a little over a year has a child with his ex and i really need some advice. I dont even know where to begin. She and i dont get along, im assuming for obvious reasons, and well when we first got together she was harrasing both of us and got to the point to where she was calling my job trying to get me fired. So i was fed up with it and we went to the police 3 times about her bothering us but nothing happened except its in the records for if she bothers us again. So anyway he finally changed his number and didnt give it to her, she has to call his mom for anything that has to do with their child (which is sad to me really) and she has stopped harrasing me BUT the catch, she still trys EXTREMELY hard to stay in contact with all his friends and when she does have the oppurtunity to talk to them she tells them all he still wants her and they still have sex and such which is all complete lies. They were also married i prolly shouldve thrown that out there, they are going through the divorce as we speak but she still hasnt signed the final papers which were sent to her over 2 months ago by his lawyer.

ANYWHO the point of the story, he and i moved in together in april and thats around when i started seing his kid bcause his ex would never let him have her, he literally would go 4 months without seeing her because she wouldnt let him have her. The first weekend he got her i felt really uncomfortable because im not used that, hes the first guy ive dated with a kid and im only 23 and i guess just dont feel ready? He didnt even tell her i live here which in a way upset me, not enough to make a big deal out of it but im hoping she realizes by now that i do live here. So just 2 weekends ago he had gotten her and she didnt bother me at all, i liked being around her and she wasnt being bratty or anything (shes 5) but the one thing that did bother me was that she was always going through my stuff and asking if she could have everything. It was very annoying to me but i was just telling myself its just that age but yet i dont want to give her all my stuff. So i gave her some nail polish and cute nail files from bath and body works with the designs and stuff on them.

Leading up to the MAIN point, she was here this weekend and last night when i got off work i went to target and walmart and got her a bunch of stuff just little things like coloring books and a bunch of hannah montana stuff and just cute little notebooks and pens and lipglosses and stuff, mainly just trying to be nice not trying to be like "oh i have to buy her stuff so she likes me" which isnt the case, a lot of it was also so she wouldnt feel the need to ask for all my stuff since i bought her a lot of the things she always asks for but just ones for kids. I was really excited about it because i had a target bag overflowing with stuff for her and when i got home and gave it to her she really wasnt looking at it she was kinda just throwing it around and when she was done she says to me "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT ME???"with this extremely snobby attitude, i mean i was in shock and my boyfriend really didnt say much to her he just told her not to be rude and i got her a ton of stuff. About 5 mins later he comes to me and he says he cant believe she was acting like that and its becasue her mom raised her to be a brat and i tell him "yea i went out of my way to get her stuff, i really didnt have to and her acting like makes me not want to buy her stuff everr again."

The next morning he said something to her and had her apologize which was fine with me because i could tell she really did like the stuff i got her. Heres the killer, about 20 mins after she apologizes she goes in the bathroom and grabs another one of nail files and asks if she could have it, which my first thought was why are you asking for my stuff still?? i just gave you a ton of stuff last night?? So i asked her what happened to the other one and she said it broke. I just had a gut feeling that she was lying because those things dont break filing nails esp a kids nails, so i pull my boyfriend into the bathroom and tell him all that and i told him she said it broke but i had a feeling his ex broke it. He goes to her and asks her why she was still asking for my stuff and asked her what happened with the other one and i was in the other room and i heard her saying "mommy took it from me when i told her she gave it to me, she yelled at me and said i cant have it and broke it in front of me and threw away everrything else she gave me" I was beyond shocked to be honest, i mean i couldnt get over the fact that she would do that in the first place, but then in front of her kid?? Im thinking its fine if you dont like me but dont let your kid know that, i never badmouth her at all in front of the child. Well after she said that she also told him that her mom tells her to be mean to me and not to like me and when she told her she liked me her mom smacked her in the face.

Its really to the point where my boyfriend and i are clueless on what to do. I really need some advice and if you dont leave any at least props for reading the novel i just wrote, but advice would be very helpful!!!!!

Sirk · 07-12-2008, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kalygulah

hes the first guy ive dated with a kid and im only 23 and i guess just dont feel ready?

Then I'm going to stop you there.

You're young. Not ready. If you stay with him this lady is going to be in your life the rest of your life. Just go and let him focus on his kid instead of his girlfriend.

Sirk · 07-12-2008, 10:48 PM

ok, I lied. I'm really pissed off that it's not fucking obvious to two grown adults that you call CPS when someone smacks a little 5 year old in the face.

kalygulah · 07-12-2008, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sirk

Then I'm going to stop you there.

You're young. Not ready. If you stay with him this lady is going to be in your life the rest of your life. Just go and let him focus on his kid instead of his girlfriend.

uhhh did i ever say he wasnt focusing on his kid??? thats the most moronic statement ever saying that he cant have a girlfriend because he has a kid. thanks for not even giving me realistic advice

kalygulah · 07-12-2008, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sirk

ok, I lied. I'm really pissed off that it's not fucking obvious to two grown adults that you call CPS when someone smacks a little 5 year old in the face.

thats not my place to call them. he hasnt even talked to the mom about it because she wouldnt answer her phone and they live with her mom so hes gonna talk to her about it too and make sure its even true. after that if we dont do anything than yea you have the right to say something. i also love how you contradict yourself first saying im too young and then saying im a grown adult a sentence later.

mom2many · 07-13-2008, 08:18 AM

Seriously, call CPS about the face slapping, it will only work to your BF's benefit when it comes to custody of the little girl.

Here is the saddest part of all, there is nothing you can do about what the mom says, all you can do is continue to be there and support and love the little girl, who is the one stuck in the hardest position of all.

Get her stuff that is for your house only, don't let but maybe one or two things go to moms, make a pretty box where she can keep all of her personal things, so everytime she comes to visit, it will be waiting for her, maybe do a girls day where you two can go and get things to put in the box, it doesn't sound like you guys are having issues bonding, that is a good thing.

Her wanting everything you have is very normal, you can say no to most, but pick something you are ok with losing and let her have it, it sounds like she is looking up to you. Then the part where she went through the bag and didn't appear to excited, that is also a kid thing, especially at that age, the true test of whether or not they like it is if they use it, she did you saw and recognized it. Dad did right telling her not to be rude, we sometimes forget when they are that age that they are still learning all the finer points of politeness, this comes in time with a lot of patience, of course if mom isn't teaching it it will take longer.

I have more to say but I am out of time I will try to get on later if you still want the help!

07-13-2008, 08:30 AM

i agree, make a home for you in the house. Get her things that she can enjoy and keep there so she will not ask for your stuff and can enjoy her own things without mommy. It is unfortunate that the mother is being this way, but dont stoop to her level. If you continue to talk to her and be there for her and show support she will come around. She is in a hard place and doesnt want to be punished for talking to you, but she has shown just in simple acts that she does like and respect you but is in a torn place. You are young and it is difficult but if you love this man you will need to find ways that work for the two of you when you are around her.
----------------------------
Missy~
Parenting Made Easier
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kalygulah · 07-13-2008, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mom2many

Seriously, call CPS about the face slapping, it will only work to your BF's benefit when it comes to custody of the little girl.

Here is the saddest part of all, there is nothing you can do about what the mom says, all you can do is continue to be there and support and love the little girl, who is the one stuck in the hardest position of all.

Get her stuff that is for your house only, don't let but maybe one or two things go to moms, make a pretty box where she can keep all of her personal things, so everytime she comes to visit, it will be waiting for her, maybe do a girls day where you two can go and get things to put in the box, it doesn't sound like you guys are having issues bonding, that is a good thing.

Her wanting everything you have is very normal, you can say no to most, but pick something you are ok with losing and let her have it, it sounds like she is looking up to you. Then the part where she went through the bag and didn't appear to excited, that is also a kid thing, especially at that age, the true test of whether or not they like it is if they use it, she did you saw and recognized it. Dad did right telling her not to be rude, we sometimes forget when they are that age that they are still learning all the finer points of politeness, this comes in time with a lot of patience, of course if mom isn't teaching it it will take longer.

I have more to say but I am out of time I will try to get on later if you still want the help!

i said somethig to my boyfriend about the cps and i guess he talked to his mom about it and they think the childs exxagerating. i mean even so i told him he needs to bring it to the moms attention asap because she might not be exxagerating. The things we bought her are staying here which i hate in a way because a lot of was things she couldve used for school like crayons and cute little notebooks and pens but i guess id rather her just use them here than them getting thrown out. I kinda figured her acting like was an age thing but my boyfriend was so stuck on its because of her mom and that when they were married he was the only one teaching her right things and now that she doesnt live with him all the child is learning is what the mom is teaching her. They do live with her mom also so im hoping that she will at least teach her right things if her own mom wont but all ive been hearing from people is that her mom is just as bad.

whats shes been telling his friends i dont care about anymore because they all know its not true but it just bothers me that they still talk to her when my boyfriend even asked them not to because of her lying all the time and that its disrespectful to me, which i agree with because they shouldnt want to talk to her anymore, they all just claim she always calls them like 10 times a day and always write them on myspace and such. so i dont know what to do about that because only two of his best friends have NOTHING to do with her but the other 3 still talk to her.

but thanks for the help! im def gonna keep her stuff here from now on except maybe a couple things!

Sirk · 07-13-2008, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kalygulah

thats not my place to call them.

It is totally you place to call them. If a child is being hurt, you call them. You're telling strangers on the internet about it, you can tell CPS.

Quote:

i also love how you contradict yourself first saying im too young and then saying im a grown adult a sentence later.

You're the one who said you weren't ready for a kid. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's 6 billion people in the world. Find one without a kid.

mom2many · 07-13-2008, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sirk

It is totally you place to call them. If a child is being hurt, you call them. You're telling strangers on the internet about it, you can tell CPS.

On this I do agree.

You're the one who said you weren't ready for a kid. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's 6 billion people in the world. Find one without a kid.

You seem to have an issue with the comment, no 23 year old is every ready for an instant family give her a break! She is trying to do right by her, the child and her Boyfriend! Criticsimis good if it is truely helpfull, you so far haven't been. Is there a point to you constantly putting her down, when all she is trying to do is fifure out a situation she wasn't ready for, have you never been in a situation that you were unable to handle? I am just wondering where the negative vibes are coming from.

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