7twenty2

Thank you all for your replies!!! I wanted to add some information. I do not feel comfortable approaching my wife about this because I have found through advice and web research that a child molester should not be approached, they will most likely deny it, and it could open up a huge can of worms. It could lead to my wife coaching my daughter to deny it is happening, it could cause tremendous and irreparable damage to our relationship.

I want to sit down with my daughter and talk to her about it. But I'm not sure what questions to ask without possibly damaging our relationship and her relationship with her mother. If I can figure out how to talk to her about this, it will give me a better idea of the situation and how to approach it.

Or do I ask Child Protection Services to talk to my daughter? Some people I have talked to have recommended this, since they are trained for this type of situation.

Others have said I should get my daughter our of the situation immediately and bring her to live with me. But that would disrupt her entire life.

I'm stuck, but I'm getting a better idea of where I stand with your advice.

Xero

If you truly and utterly believe that your wife is a child molester, yes you should get your daughter out of that situation immediately. Her safety and well being come way before her friends and her school. There is no reason good enough to allow her to continue being molested, if that is indeed the case. You have to protect her. I don't understand though, are you two together or not together?? You talk about your wife with kind of a cold air, like you are a perfect stranger or a teacher or at least an ex husband or something. Its confusing.

But if you think this is just a misunderstanding (it could be just something that needs to be talked about) then it REALLY needs to be talked about. She's your wife. Why can't you talk to her? Your daughter deserves this to be talked about. She has told you it happens. She can't deny it, especially not if you approach the topic gently and don't label it as anything, and if your daughter is there with you to confirm it. You need to approach this as a family LONG before you involve proffessionals, don't you think? Obviously, if she denies it and makes a big deal about it and things get worse, then you can take the next steps of contacting children services and applying for full custody etc. I feel like you're going out of order here.

__________________

bssage

Thats kinda my point. And my biggest point of contention. So much so that it causes me to wonder about the entire post.

__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

7twenty2

Sorry, I might not have been clear on the living situation. I am living in another state about 500 miles from my wife and daughter due to a job transfer. I transferred about five months ago. We are married, but discussing the possibility of a divorce.

It would be almost impossible for me to approach my wife and confront her about this without having proof that it is actual molestation. My gut instinct tells me that it is, because I know my daughter and if what my wife was doing did not bother her, she would not complain about it. But as I said before, sitting down and having a heart to heart talk with an 8 year old about this is not an easy task, and there are a lot of risks involved.

Confronting child molesters is almost never advised. They almost always deny it and once they are aware you are on to them, the whole situation changes.

Xero, thank you for your advice! I know that once I get a better idea of what is going on, and if it does turn out to be what I think it is, I will be getting her out of there immediately.

I guess what I am asking is this: put yourself into my shoes and ask what you would do if you were faced with this situation.

bssage

In that case I (and its just my opinion) would have a meeting (face to face) with the school nurse. They know the criteria and should be able to evaluate your daughter on the sly so to speak. I would tell them just what you told us you aren't sure but have strong feelings that this may be happening. Like I said they are trained on how to deal with this. And what to look for.

I would let them be the "bad guys" so as not to put any future divorce proceedings in jeopardy. And if it were me I would do it ASAP like Monday.

From what I am reading it might not be a bad idea to back up your hard drive and save anything that might be considered evidence prior to the poop hitting the fan. And remember once the ball is rolling it could very well roll over you.

IMHO

good luck

Update us if you can.

__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

AmyBelle

I dont think I can add anything that hasnt been said already, other than why is it that your 8yr old NEEDS your wife to sleep next to her? She's at an age now where she should be able to sleep on her own...

__________________

Xero

I agree she's too old to even still be sleeping with her.... That alone makes it look a little funny.

bssage - I understand what you're saying I think. It does seem a little questionable. It sucks cause we can't know unless we were in the situation. :/

I like bssage's idea. Either way, something needs to be done very soon.

__________________

Mom2all

My question would be this.. when did you decide that this might or might not be child molestation.. before or after you started talk about divorce? It sounds like after. If you really think there is something as horrible as this possibly happening.. YOU DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO TO STOP IT.

That being said...

You keep bringing up CPS. I can't understand you not addressing it yourself. Why would you want to put control of your child in the hands of the state? It reminds me of my cousin and his wife. She decided she wanted a divorce.. so she reported him for sexual abuse thinking it would help her get custody. THEY removed all three kids from both parents for a little over 8 months.. and found her to be a liar. He ended up with custody of all his children and she ended up with nothing. She damaged her children with invasive medical exams, being thrust into a system and tons of therapy. They haven't seen their Mom in years... and everyone involved suffered.

Not to be harsh.. but here is my opinion.

If you knew something was wrong way before you considered seperation and did nothing to stop it.. you are as guilty as Mom for allowing it.

If you are only doing this now to try and help you in the divorce proceeds.. then you should think hard about the damage that will do to everyone. Mostly your daughter who will remember the truth~

If she is really being abused.. YOU HAVE TO STOP IT NOW. Not think about it.. do it.

Xero

I completely agree Mom2All. Perfectly said. And also having dealt with "the system" in my life before as well, I can tell you that if you call CPS right off the bat, they wont run your daughter to your house, they'll run her to a foster home. She's right about that. It really hurts your case that you've let it go on this long, without saying anything until after you guys are going to get a divorce.

__________________

IADad

I dunno abou the whole judgement that 8 is too old to need someone to fall asleep with. Our DS1 will be 8 in a couple of weeks and he still likes one of us to lay with him while he falls asleep. We have good conversations in that quiet time, and while it is difficult that we always have to accomodate this time, we also cherish it and will miss it when he's finally done with us.

Now, for the OP, I don't understand the difference between confronting her and calling CPS? Isn't that just confrontation by proxy? Isn't there the potential to talk with her without it being a confrontation? Telling her that your faugheter has expressed that she doesn't like it, inquire what she thinks having been an abuse victim? Point out to her that even if the intention is innocent it's "unwnted touching." If you don't feel comfortable having that conversation then I think you're more concerned than you are letting yourself believe. If you feel your daughter is being vicitmized then yes, you must report DW or otherwise get DD out.