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05-14-2008, 05:47 AM
| #1 | ||
| PF Fiend  Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 941
Rep Power: 406 Reputation: 9528   Children: 4 yr old boy and 2.5 yr old girl |
So it turns out that my relationship is going south with my wife. Nothing's really wrong - there's no infidelity or mistrust, we don't scream or hate each other. We have a pretty good existence, and we basically get along and work well together. The problem is simply that her weight gain, depression, self esteem issues etc etc etc have evaporated what was left of our relationship. She has no more need for sex and frankly I'm just losing the ability to cope with the troughs of her depression. I'm not being mean, this is just factual. I love her to bits, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I've got limits. I want to be happy, I want to be with someone who wants to be happy. She doesn't want to be happy. It's up to her. ---- Anyway, what's it like being separated? How does it happen? Do kids adjust? Can I still be a good dad, and make a choice to leave a woman who doesn't love me the way she used to? Honestly, would I be a bad person to stay in this empty (but comfortable) life forever? It's a kind of trade-off right? My kids would end up having a less conflicted childhood, but I'd end up having a less exhilarating / satisfying life. Is that a reasonable choice? Is it ok to choose my children over myself? I'm married, right. 10 years this coming January. How much crap am I obliged to wade through to honor my pledge? I mean, when we go married... I didn't really think about it that much, I was 19, but I guess that I at least had an expectation that things were going to go well - that we'd grow together, that she wouldn't just fade away on me like this. But am I supposed to sit her for another 10... 30! years? But what's it like being separated?
__________________ Life is beautiful. Love is everywhere. Everything is going to be ok. | ||
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What's seperation like? |
05-14-2008, 06:18 AM
| #2 | ||
| Super Moderator  Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,084
Rep Power: 1241 Reputation: 28325 Children: 2 children, Debra Lyn, and Logan (Bubba) Michael |
it's hard but the way I see it is if you and mom aren't happy the kids will never be truely happy. If you and your wife could manage to split in a respectable way and maintain comunication your children will be just fine...if not better off then they are ina house were mom and dad are clearly unhappy. You can still be a great father to children and a friend to your wife if things are done correctly and delicatly. I'm sorry you're going through this. It isn't easy to admit when things are past the fixing point but sometimes it is better for everyone for the family to split. Others may disagree with me but I strongly believe if you aren't really happy yourself your aren't being the best parent you can be to your children
__________________  Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult | ||
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05-14-2008, 06:20 AM
| #3 | ||
| Banned Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,928
Rep Power: 0 Reputation: 25505 Children: One boy 8, twin girls 7. |
[quote=evilbrent;53470]So it turns out that my relationship is going south with my wife. Nothing's really wrong - there's no infidelity or mistrust, we don't scream or hate each other. We have a pretty good existence, and we basically get along and work well together. The problem is simply that her weight gain, depression, self esteem issues etc etc etc have evaporated what was left of our relationship. She has no more need for sex and frankly I'm just losing the ability to cope with the troughs of her depression. I'm not being mean, this is just factual. I love her to bits, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I've got limits. I want to be happy, I want to be with someone who wants to be happy. She doesn't want to be happy. It's up to her. ---- Anyway, what's it like being separated? For me, peace. How does it happen?You find a cheap apartment or a roomate and go your own way. Do kids adjust? In a way. It's never easy on children and they never understand it but you can make it more comfortable. Will they grow up to be axe murderers? Probably not. Can I still be a good dad, and make a choice to leave a woman who doesn't love me the way she used to? Absolutley! Just don't turn into "disney dad". Which means do not try and buy their affection when you are with them. Honestly, would I be a bad person to stay in this empty (but comfortable) life forever?Not really It's a kind of trade-off right? No My kids would end up having a less conflicted childhood, but I'd end up having a less exhilarating / satisfying life. Is that a reasonable choice?No Is it ok to choose my children over myself?Yes I'm married, right. 10 years this coming January. How much crap am I obliged to wade through to honor my pledge? As long as there is no abuse going on, you should work it out. I mean, when we go married... I didn't really think about it that much, I was 19, but I guess that I at least had an expectation that things were going to go well - that we'd grow together, that she wouldn't just fade away on me like this. But am I supposed to sit her for another 10... 30! years?Yes and find things for yourself. There is no reason you can not reinvent yourself and be happy while staying in a marriage. Make yourself better and maybe she'll follow. But what's it like being separated?It's hard on the children and it pulls you further away from the person you married. You eventually get used to it and realize things can be tolerated. You can not change anyone around you only yourself. You need to stick it out for the kids sake, you made that commitment to her and to them. You do not walk away when things get stale. Sounds like your wife needs some postiveness around her. Are you giving that?[/quote] | ||
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05-14-2008, 06:38 AM
| #4 | ||
| PF Addict  Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Denver
Posts: 2,572
Rep Power: 389 Reputation: 8263 Children: One boy, Bradley |
I think the key to having a smooth separation is that both of you are in agreement...and you both want to end it. If not, and from the sounds of your story it seems like your wife is going to lose it, then I don't see it being easy. There's always resentment on one end, and it just seeps through every little thing. Your kids are really young too, and I think that's the worst age for them to deal with this. Good luck Evil. When do you spring this on the wife? Will she be surprised? | ||
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05-14-2008, 06:55 AM
| #5 | ||
| PF Addict  Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Hamilton, Ontario
Posts: 1,685
Rep Power: 1221 Reputation: 29595 Children: Luke James Hunt: 23 months old |
The problem is simply that her weight gain, depression, self esteem issues etc etc etc have evaporated what was left of our relationship. She has no more need for sex and frankly I'm just losing the ability to cope with the troughs of her depression Has she been through councelling? Have you talked to her about this? Have you tried to help her with her weight gain? I mean have you exausted out ALL of your resources to try and help her??
__________________ Bacteria is sometimes the only culture some people have.  | ||
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05-14-2008, 07:07 AM
| #6 | |||
| Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,084
Rep Power: 1241 Reputation: 28325 Children: 2 children, Debra Lyn, and Logan (Bubba) Michael |
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__________________ Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult | |||
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05-14-2008, 07:46 AM
| #7 | ||
| Banned Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,928
Rep Power: 0 Reputation: 25505 Children: One boy 8, twin girls 7. |
Evil, I have a weight loss plan that is sooooo easy to follow if your wife really wants to try it. I know where your wife is coming from. Gaining weight after having children will bring you down. She needs to get it off in the right way. Her self esteem will sky rocket. Like me!!!!!!! lol | ||
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05-14-2008, 07:49 AM
| #8 | ||
| PF Addict Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Hamilton, Ontario
Posts: 1,685
Rep Power: 1221 Reputation: 29595 Children: Luke James Hunt: 23 months old |
Me to fallon. I mean depression can be linked to the weight gain, and i know, i STILL havn't lost the wieght from luke, mind you its my own fault, i'm jsut lazy LOL.
__________________ Bacteria is sometimes the only culture some people have. | ||
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05-14-2008, 07:50 AM
| #9 | |||
| PF Visionary Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,770
Rep Power: 672 Reputation: 14774  |
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