Ari2

This subforum doesn't get much traffic, but I came across this article and thought it might help women who are coping with the decision to stop fertility treatments after numerous failures. I went through this and spent most of a year grieving for the family I thought I could never have. A year later, I was pregnant with twins (something I hate to tell women undergoing ART because they get so many similar stories thrown at them), and I am thankful on a daily basis. But I still remember how difficult the process was and how even more heartbreaking it was to decide to stop.

If this isn't of help to anyone who posts here, perhaps it will be of use to a guest undergoing the same difficult times. I hope so; it's an emotionally exhausting and devastating process when it doesn't work.

From the New York Times: Facing Life without Children When It Isn't by Choice

[There's much more to the article, linked above, but here's part of it.]

It is unclear how many women are involuntarily childless. The stigma attached to infertility and living without children pressures many women to remain silent about their struggles, Mrs. Tsigdinos said, adding, “It’s not something you want to drop into conversation at a cocktail party.”

Almost two years later, Mrs. Tsigdinos, now 45, still tears up when she talks about it. “It’s not a linear process,” she said. “You accept that you’re going to do your best to move on, but there are those days when things just become overwhelming.”

Experts recommend that women wrestling with the decision to stop fertility treatments look at their loss as they would any other.

“The person has to go through a process of mourning for what this was going to be in their life and who they were going to be in this life,” said Mardy S. Ireland, a psychoanalyst from Berkeley, Calif., who specializes in childlessness.

Infertility treatment can be so all-consuming that many women keep trying long after the odds become prohibitive. Those who can accept the possibility that no treatment in the world will allow them to become pregnant may face the best chance of learning to accept a childless life.

“The ones with the most difficulty living with their reality are those who don’t make a decision,” Dr. Ireland said. Those who don’t, she added, will wake up one day to feel the choice to stop was taken away from them.

Still, women like Mrs. Tsigdinos often find themselves in tears at the sight of a new mother pushing a stroller, fighting anger toward friends who innocently invite them to baby showers, and arguing with their own parents, who have not accepted that they will never be grandparents.

Susan B. Slotnick, a board member of Resolve, a nonprofit infertility association, understands that pain. Eleven years ago, she too made the decision to stop fertility treatments and accept a childless life. “The pain never really goes away,” she said. “But like a chronic back pain, you learn to deal with it.”

The article also has a link to a blog written by a women mentioned in the article.

To anyone going through this - guest or member - you have my sympathy and support.

sahm629

Thanks for sharing - my dh and I went through IF before we got pg... it is not a fun ride!