unhappy

First, some background. A few years ago, my wife came off the pill and we tried to have a baby. It didn't happen, and we decided to stop trying. My wife didn't go back on the pill, we instead relied on timing and condoms.

During this time, I started to think that maybe I didn't want a baby after all. We talked about it last year, and decided that we didn't want a baby yet. I wasn't sure if I ever would, but we left it at that, and decided we'd both think about what we wanted, and talk about it later.

The more I thought about it, the more I decided that I didn't want children. My wife decided that she did. In February of this year, she got pregnant.

My wife is very happy. She knows I don't want children, but that I'll do my best to be a good dad. However, I'm finding it very difficult to cope. People keep congratulating me, and I have to act pleased. I've lost almost all interest in sex with my wife (I still want sex, but I have almost no interest in sex with my wife).

I'm really unhappy, and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. My wife knows, but I don't want to talk to her in detail, because she's so happy and I like her being happy. I'm simply failing to see anything positive in the fact that she's pregnant.

Kaytee

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I don't have a lot of advise to offer, since I am the mother not the father, and I never had feeling as you have. I do sugest you seriously talk to your wife about this. You are risking your marriage falling apart. She is going to need you. Believe me, even when children are wanted, it is such a scary thing to go through. She will have doubts and you need to be supportive of her. You need to talk to her, I can't stress that enough. If it would help, try talking to a third party. I mean a forum is good and all, but I'm not sure we will help you sort through your concerns. I hope things work out well for you and the new arrival.

__________________

If you can't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!
http://www.spcnicholasidalski.com

unhappy

I've tried talking to her. I'd like to talk to a third party, but I have no idea who to talk to. It's really difficult for me to tell anyone that I know that I don't want this child - they're all so pleased for us. My wife suggested finding a forum, since it's anonymous, hence why I posted here.

To be honest, I'm hoping that, once the baby arrives, that I'll change the way I feel, but I'm scared that I won't.

Tom

I was thinking the same thing - and I know someone that was having similar feelings as you're describing. Now he's the dad of 3 and you never would have believed he had any reservations (he's a great, happy, super-involved father).

As far as a 3rd party, I agree - maybe you'd benefit from some couples or individual counseling.

__________________
Parenting Forums

Kaytee

You are more then welcome to share your concerns with us. I just wish I knew what to say to you to make you feel better about the situation. I do hope and pray that you will feel differently when the baby arrives. Do you know why you have these feeling? Like is it you just don't want kids ever? or just not now? Why do you think you feel that way? Do you belive you will be a great dad, believe me, if you want to be a great dad, you will be!

__________________

If you can't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!
http://www.spcnicholasidalski.com

unhappy

I don't want kids, ever, basically for selfish reasons - I don't want to have to give things up, I don't want to have to devote time to a child. I'm a selfish person, and I don't want to have to take a child into account when I do things. If I want to go out for the night, or go away for a weekend, I want to be able to just go.

I don't know if I'll be a good dad or not. I know my wife thinks I will be, but I'm not convinced.

The thing that is really bothering me at the moment is that I feel almost permanently annoyed at my wife. It's almost as if I'm blaming her, but I know it's not her fault. That leads to me being less loving towards her, and trying to spend less time with her. I'm not sure if that is related to not wanting sex with her or not.

I doubt there's anything that anyone can say to make me feel better about this, but I appreciate the chance to tell people how I feel. One of the things that make this whole situation really difficult is that everyone assumes that I'm happy, and I feel I have to act like I'm pleased, even though I'm not.

Kaytee

You really are in a tough situation. About being selfish, yes you do have to give up sooo much when you become a parent, but I cna tell you as a new mother (15 months) there is so much reward that what you give up is well nothing! No i can't go out whenever I want, unless I take the baby with me but I can tell you that I really don't want to leave her anyways. There are times I want to strangle her little neck (j/k of course) but in the scheme of things, I don't want to be anywhere else but with her. I do hop eyou will feel that way as well.
How far along is your wife now? I ask because I know my dh was well unsure of the pregnancy in the begining, and probably felt a lot of the same things as ou are now, but when he first got to see the baby on the ultrasound and hear her little heart beat. A lot of things changed for him. Not everything. He was not always there for me, many times I thought about giving the baby up for adoption because of the way our marriage was going. He also had no interest in sex with me (same as yo uwith your wife) And I can tell you personally how much that hurt me and how much it still effects our marriage. It is an ultimate rejection. Please whatever you do, make your wife feel special, because she is! The hurt that she gets now will effect the way she handles her self when this baby comes. You really don't want to deal with a woman that has PPD, it is a scary feeling. I have personally not experinced it myself, but I have been depressed before. Stay strong, you will be as great of a dad as you are willing to be. You will love this child so much, that words can not express.

__________________

If you can't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!
http://www.spcnicholasidalski.com

mamab

Unhappy, I have been sitting here reading your story and the responses you've received so far. Of course you're welcome to pour out your heart to us - your fears, your desires, your anger, your uncertainties - and we won't think any less of you. Thank you for being honest and transparent with us. Maybe something that's said here will strike a nerve and help you. I pray that it does.

I won't tell you that I have all the answers, because I don't. I can tell you that when I was younger, I thought children should be born at the age of three. (Yeah, I know, the thought of having to birth a 3yo is just too terrifying to think about. LOL) I figured, if they came into the world at that age, they'd already know how to talk, walk, be potty trained and through most of the childhood stuff. However, when I was told I COULDN'T have kids, then I didn't care how I got one, it was just important that I DID. (It's not wise to tell me I CAN'T do something, I'll do it just to prove you wrong.) I understand the pain of not being able to have a child because we ended up waiting until we'd been married 11 years before our first miracle came along. However, everything changed when I held that little precious child in my arms for the first time. I think it could happen that way with you, as well.

My suggestion is to be supportive of your wife. Go with her to her prenatal appointments. Go, listen to the heartbeat, and be amazed at the miracle of life that is growing within her. Make sure you're there when they do the ultrasound. The technology today is awesome, you can almost tell what a baby is going to look like when it's born. Look at the screen, really look at it. That child on the ultrasound is part of YOU. YOU helped to create it, YOU have an heir. Through this child, YOU will live on.

The other benefit of being supportive of your wife, is that it might help to bring back some of the desire for her. My husband told me I was never sexier than when I was pregnant. (I don't see how that's true, but I'll accept the compliment any way I can get it.) Being supportive of her, showing an interest in her and the baby, might also help you to realize that deep down in side, you probably DO want a child.

I understand about being selfish. Been there, done that. And yes, having a child causes you to change things. It's NOT as easy to pick up and go, but do you really NEED to anyway? Having a child doesn't mean your life stops, it just changes. And the change is DEFINITELY for the better. There is so much love that children can bring into your life, are you sure you don't want to share in that love?

Maybe things didn't happen WHEN you wanted them to, but God doesn't choose to give a child to someone just for them to not want it. I don't believe it's HIS will for any child to be unwanted. If you're NOT a person of faith, maybe now would be a good time to cry out to God and ask HIM to help you - to help you love your wife as she deserves, to help you love the baby and truly desire it's arrival, to help you learn to stop being so selfish. He CAN do it, if you will allow Him to work on you.

I know I've been long-winded, and I apologize. I hope that something I said has helped. Know that I have prayed for you and do pray that God will change your heart toward your wife and your baby.

Stephanie2377

I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to find a forum and express what you are experiencing.

My husband was TERRIFIED to have a baby. Thus, for a while, he stated he didn't want to have a baby. He thought he was going to be an awful father, and thought, thus, we'd end up with one of those children that hangs from the rafters and goes on Supernanny.

Thankfully, he talked with me about it. I just listened, and then encouraged him to talk with some of his friends. Turns out, many of them acted really happy... but, truly were scared and unsure. I also assured my husband that he would NOT end up like his own Dad (who wasn't a great role model)

I am happy to say that my husband has adjusted. He and my 2yo son have an amazing relationship. He has had to learn a lot, and is still learning how to adjust "his" time.

One thing to remember.. you don't have to lose yourself when you become "Dad". While you are "Dad".. you are still husband, and you are still YOU. You just add a role. It is a major role, yes. But, you dont' have to lose yourself.

I do encourage you to be honest with your wife, and possible consider some couples' counseling. I am betting she senses your feelings, and is probably making up reasons in her head as to what is going on. Tackling this together is what I suggest most.

Take care!

unhappy

Thanks for trying to help, everyone. I really do appreciate it.

My wife is currently 11 weeks. She's been to see the midwife (I went with her), but not had the first ultrasound scan yet. I'm planning to go with her for that. I want to support her as much as I can, which is why I went with her to see the midwife, and why I'm going to the scan with her.

My wife already knows how I feel, but I'll try to talk to her about it again. It's hard to do that, because I know she's so pleased about the whole thing, and I want to be supportive. Telling her that I'm not pleased that she's pregnant doesn't seem very supportive. But I suppose not telling her how I feel won't help either of us. Trouble is, when I try and tell her how I feel, she tends to re-assure me that I'll be a good dad. That is one of my worries, but not the main one. The main problem is that I don't want to be a dad at all.

I'm having real difficulty seeing any positive aspects to having children. I can see all sorts of negatives (having to find babysitters when going out, etc), but I just don't see how having a child makes up for it.

Thanks again, everyone. It does feel a bit like all I've done here is complain and moan that no-one understands, but it has helped. I'll try to talk to my wife again, and I'll try to be as supportive as I can.