Pixiesticks

It has currently been brought to my attention that our children have no rights. I divorced my husband 11 years ago and off and on he has filed mindless petitions with the court that have all been denied. In 1999/2000 there was a PFA issued against him for our daughter. It took him about a year before he was able to see her again regularly and about a year ago he filed for primary physical custody and won. The reason given by the local Judge, regardless of his history of violent behavior, was that I have shown myself to be selfish when I took a free trip to Japan in the summer of 2006 and my refusal to allow my biological mother in the lives of myself and my child. The judge even went so far as to give this woman (that gave me up for adoption) rights to contact our daughter against my wishes and expressed concerns. During the trip mentioned above our daughter was either with her father or a member of my family during my absence.

The order to change custody was given in January but Custody was not actually changed until the end of August. Since then he has again started to show signs of his temper being out of control. He has broken glasses against walls, punched holes in the wall and slammed his fist into the table in front of our daughter when he was angry with her. Our daughter has reported to hospital staff, without myself or him present when she was taken in for an anxiety attack, the incidents above as well as him yelling and swearing at her and her 6 year old sister. She has also reported it to both her school councilor and her councilor which the court had to order him to take her to. He refuses to have her SSN put on her medical records, he refused to sign for her hospital records release to her PCP (I drove 3 hours to the hospital to sign the release) and he failed to follow through on the ER referral for her to have a psych eval to name a few "questionable" actions.

Sadly, regardless of his actions there is no law or right that protects my daughter. A petition for special will only be granted if he actually hits her and actually draws blood or breaks a bone. Even if he does actually hit her again Children and Youth Services in York county will help him keep custody so long as he agrees to use their services. My child cries out to the adults in her life that she does not want to remain there because she is afraid of her father and does not want to be in the house with him. All that these adults can reiterate are the rights that he has. There is no right that protects her.

This also means that there is no right that protects the other children in this state because the right of the abuser apparently outweighs the right of the abused. This is disgusting to say the least. A child must stay in an environment that is detrimental to their physical and emotional well being in order to protect the rights of their abuser. I ask anyone that reads this to send a link to all of their friends and family. I am going to start sending e-mails to every state senator and representative as well as news stations if needed every week until something is done to help these children. I am sure that my daughter is not the only child and I am not the only parent that is going through this. Even if it just someone that is willing to take the time to send e-mails to help the many children and parents that are stuck in this situation every e-mail saying THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE is one more voice.

After I have collected the e-mail addresses of all state senators and representatives I will post them here so that they can see that there is not a single voice but many that say the abuser should not be protected and coddled. He or she should not be shown that their actions are "okay" so long as they are willing to work with CPS/CYS. These children should not be left in a situation where they are left to wonder when they will be hurt again. This protocol applies to parents that are drug addicts, child abusers, alcoholics or even sexual offenders. This is NOT okay and one voice will simply be a hum in the crowd. I will continue to fight for my daughter with petitions to modify custody, contempt petitions and petitions for special relief. I will continue to keep in close contact with her councilors and physicians. However, this does not help the countless other parents and children that are facing the same road blocks and tape that protect the offender instead of the victim.

Feel free to contact me at pixiesticks052308@yahoo.com or post here with any ideas or with what you or a loved one has dealt with in situations where the abuser has the rights and the child is left in a situation that is detrimental to their well being. This even includes where the only alternative is foster care, where a non-parent family member is fighting for the child or even a family friend is trying to keep a child safe. It does not matter what the circumstance exactly. The abused should be protected NOT the abuser.

Xero

I've seen tons of this. I was in foster care and eventually adopted, and saw a lot of kids in foster care being loved and taken care of given back to their abusive or neglectful parents. I think it's very stupid. Good luck getting your little girl back. I'm so sorry.

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Pixiesticks

Xero, I am so glad that you were one of the lucky that found a true family of your own. You also moved on with your life and have a beautiful baby. I was also adopted by my lifegivers (you don't want my usual term for her) parents when she walked out when I was 8 months old. That is a whole other plethora of drame though and in part led to the situation with my daughter. She helped my ex get custody by testifying for him after I refused to allow her around my children. For some reason her telling me in an e-mail that I "must give one h*** of a bl** job" wasn't a good reason because according to her she was just trying to make up for the mistakes she made in the past. Statements like that definately show a desire for forgiveness..... There is much more to the drama she has put my family through but she is not my concern any longer.

Just through friends or family of friends I have sadly seen this in the foster care system as well but had originally thought that they were trying to put the children back with family instead of them remaining in the system. There are two instances that I knew of. In the one the mother was doing drugs with the child. CPS did their family plan and were in and out but she stayed with her mother until the day she OD'd. She did survive but no thanks to her mother. As she lay in the middle of the living room floor her mother stood there laughing because she was so high. The mothers boyfriend carried her out of the house and took her to the ER where her heart stopped at one point. CPS removed her and the judge ordered specific programs for the mother to attend. She attend programs but ones shorter than the court ordered yet after a year to 18 months they returned her daughter to her.

In the other instance the mother was drunk, it was 1 or 2 in the morning, and she was cleaning her house. She lit a "candle" only to realize that it was not a candle but one of the small sticks of dynamite (they had apparently bought it for 4th of July). She put it in the ashtray to try to put it out. In the end the mother lost her hand and both daughter had to have surgery to have pieces of glass and even their mothers fingernails surgically removed from their upper body. Because the mother was willing to create one of these "family plans" with CPS they still returned to their mother when she was discharged from the hospital. Their father tried to get custody but CPS helped the mother to maintain it.

It is sad that every day a child goes through this. I know that foster care is not the best option in many cases and that everyone wants to see a child with their family but it sickens me that children are given back to parents like these. I can't say that these mothers didn't love their children or even that my ex doesn't love our daughter but it is not a love that nurtures the child. It destroys them in little ways every day. Without going in to detail I can say I am very familiar with how this eats away at you day by day in regard to things that my biomother did to me. In the end some of it gave me strength but some of it will always remain. My husband is the first man that I really trust outside of my dad and brothers and I only have one friend (20 year friendship) that I would trust to the ends of the earth. I have other friends but I am very leary about getting attached to them.

I hope that in the end my daughter comes home and that in some way she gains strength from this and that in some way my husband and I can help her work through it. The other night I ask him if he would adopt my daughter if we can get her away from her father. I told him to think it through because it is a big decision. He replied "I don't have to think it through. Of course I want to adopt her." I still told him I would not take yes right now....think long and hard. He is thinking about it but said "I don't know why I would change my mind. I would walk into the depths of hell for her now so being her dad seems a little easier." I agree until he realizes that raising a teenager is similarly painful...lol.

Xero

Yeah, my biomom was very abusive. It actually took several calls, reports from neighbors and teachers, and me trying to kill myself twice before they finally decided there was no way things would work out with me living there. They finally put me in foster care, and they STILL worked to get me back with her. We had visits where I would go home to her once a week with a case worker to see her, and they would always end up in her being vicious and me crying. They died down to twice a month, then once a month, then when I cried and cried when they tried to make me go, they ended all together. Then it turned into phone calls, and she managed to freak me out and get me all worked up every time she called me too. So eventually those ended because all contact with her was clearly harmful to my mental health. Luckily at that point, I was fourteen and old enough to speak for myself. It is the law that at fourteen you can sign your own papers (to some extent) and you can make a lot of your own decisions. Or in my state anyway. In my state, they can ask you if you want to go home, or if you want to see your mom, and you can say no and they will listen. That's where I got lucky. And they finally did the right thing (but only cause I said so) and it took a lot for me to not be scared of my biomom enough to speak up.

It's pretty sad though, that under 14 you have no say in your happiness and well being. Like you have no idea when you're being abused or neglected, only your parents and the state can decide upon that.

A couple examples:

A two year old foster boy that lived with me, we got him because the mom got mad at him for being "bad" and burned him with a lit cigarette several times as punishment. Maybe six months later he went home because she agreed to take parenting classes or something.

A newborn baby we had until he was almost a year. We were told he would be adopted (by us). Because his mom had already had FIVE other kids taken from her, and her rights taken from her dealing with these kids, kids she would never see again because of her actions. She was LIVING IN A HOMELESS SHELTER and they gave him back out of nowhere because she was doing things to change or something. Six months later we saw them at a park and he was skinny, dirty, barely clothed, and looked drained of all emotion. So different from the chubby, happy, smart little face we had raised. A year later he was placed back in foster care due to her neglect and abuse, and I they gave them to someone else without asking us.

A four year old boy, we got him because he was beaten with a metal coat hanger and apparently been abused before (But this time was brutal). He was also still in diapers because he had an untaken care of medical problem with his bowel movements. And all kinds of other abusive crap. We had him for a year and a half and they gave him to a family member, who abused him. He turned into an unhappy child that acted out all the time and became angry. He was put back in foster care. Again without us being asked.

I could go on FOREVER. All ridiculous stories.

I still talk to my biomom now and again, and she's even seen Eli a few times. I visit my family where she lives. I guess I'm forgiving about it, maybe too forgiving. She was on a lot of drugs, and she's not anymore but she's still kind of wrong in the head. She's very apologetic about things, so I try to forget about it but it's always there and I find it easy to get mad at her because of that. Oh well. I wish things could change for kids and their rights because things are being done wrong right now.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, my dad was never involved, and I've never met him. So that's why I didn't say anything about him. So you're not confused.

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Pixiesticks

Xero you have my utmost respect. My only advice after it taking so long to realize it in my own life is to not seek your biological mothers approval. You do not need it. You have done an amazing job in improving your life and you now have the chance to give your son what she was never able to give you. Make sure that the two of you are your first priority.

I didn't even think about your biodad because mine was the same way. Bio gave two different men that could be my father but they were two men my parents knew she had dated. The day of the adoption my mother found her crying in the bathroom. She wasn't upset that she was signing off her rights. She was worried that the judge was going to ask her about how active her sex life was and she would have to admit how many men she had slept with in order for the adoption to go through. Sad really. Part of me, somewhere really deep down, actually feels sorry for her.