Aylimn

I know it's normal and natural for young children to do various things like ''play doctor'' or be curious about their bodies or their mom and dad's bodies. I have zero problem with that. My 5 1/2 year old son has a couple of new friends next door that he is playing with throughout this summer. I'm delighted for them and feel that things are going well. One of the friends is 8 years old and the other is 6.

When I was walking past my son's room the other day, he and the 6 year old were playing with stuffed animals and doing all manner of things with them such as the usual play fighting, etc.. and during one point of the game, they were snickering and saying, ''Let's make them have sex with eachother!'' followed by them making the stuffed animals kiss and hug on eachother.

As a child, I remember making my barbies ''have sex'' with eachother too, which I thought was kissing and hugging while they were naked. I asked my son and his friend what ''sex'' was so I could get an idea of what they knew about it, and they replied with this same definition as well.

I also found out later that the 8 year old is the one who imparted this knowledge to them. In essence, I think it's pretty normal for this sort of thing to happen and according to my own instincts and having read a few bits about it online, I feel that it's fine and natural provided that the play was not frequently about this (according to online stuff, an obsession with this sort of play might indicate sexual abuse). Overall, I just don't think that's the case with these boys but of course I will always be aware of what my son is up to anyway..

The question relates to having shared this story with my friend who has a young son as well. Both my friend and her husband were sexually abused as children, and my friend also experienced being a child and having another older child ''playing doctor'' in some such way that she wasn't comfortable with. So because of their experiences, they are understandably very sensitive to the subject of ''sex'' and ''children'' altogether and she has admitted having sexual repressions/hangups in the past. I totally understand this and empathize with her, but when I told her of the stuffed animals play, I could tell from her face that she found it worrisome and I'm sure her mind has already decided that those neighbor boys might have been sexually abused etc.. Basically, she and her husband nearly feel that there is a pedophile lurking behind every corner and facet of society. She thinks I should inform my son and his friend that they are *not* to play that game with the animals and that it's something grownups do, etc..

I don't think telling them not to play that game is a good idea. I think it highlights it as being a ''bad thing'' and therefore, sex is a ''bad thing'' and secondly, I think they would play it anyway and hide it from me, which could lead to its own consequences, who knows. I want my son to feel open to tell or ask me things about sexuality (and everything!) and not feel it's a shameful thing or a ''no no'' with his play. Obviously there are some forms of play that would not be acceptable but overall, I think what he's engaging in is ok and I don't need to stop it.

Thoughts?

mom2many

What the kids are doing is very NORMAL, and I agree the biggest mistake is making it a no-no, we teach them to be ashamed of something that is very natural, I remember my 7 year old and 4 year old doing the same thing and them talking about sex, I asked what they thought sex was and got the same reply, so I explained to them that sex was something married mommy's and daddy's did (this will be amended later as their knowledge changes) and I suggested, but didn't forbid, that maybe they wait until they are older to play mommy/daddy games, they seem to of understood, and I haven't seen it much anymore.

Sex is a completely open topic in my house, I also have teenagers, so my little ones are probably more knowledgeable then most kids there age, although how much more I am not sure. I want my kids to know all there is to know about sex, even the bad stuff, so that when it is time they are as knowledgeable as I could make them, and if I make sex taboo then I am only harming them in the future, when they are ready (which I hope is never, mommy side of me talking) I know that they are being responsible.

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Jennifer, mom to some wonderful kids!

Aylimn

Thanks very much for your reply!

I do remember from being a child that I played sometimes this way with my barbies and such and really feel that as open as I can be about these matters, the better it is for him! I guess the next issue that might come up is the intersection of my son with my friend's son, who is 3 1/2. Because of her experiences and such, our attitudes towards children and their natural curiosities is very different and ultimately, I feel like she might be looking towards my son with more...mmm, what's the word...eyebrows raised or super awareness, as if my son might turn around and ''educate'' her son in the same type of play. Because I don't mind him doing this play at times (it's only happened twice and is not even remotely a main component of his play), what would I say regarding the times when my son and her son get together, and how would I handle the confrontation of two different belief systems? Thanks so much your reply and time to answer my queries, I really appreciate it.

Xero

I definitely remember making my stuffed animals or barbies "have sex". I do think it's normal. I do however think there is a line between a normal curiousity in sex and strange behavior. I don't think people should make their kids think that sex is "Bad", but I really think people need to teach their kids that it's not APPROPRIATE. You can't have your kids going to school and playing "sex" on the playground because thoughts about sex are normal. Somebody's mom is going to get mad. Like me, for instance. Sex isn't bad, but it's something you should keep to yourself and not teach other kids about. If any kind of important and private information is going to reach my son's ears, I would hope it would be coming from my mouth. In my mind, one little kid teaching another kid about sex is all wrong. If I found out once Eli was older after I talked to him about sex that he went to a littler child and taught him about it, he would be in some trouble. That's not appropriate.

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Aylimn

I agree that there is a time and place that is appropriate for certain behaviors or play. For instance, I've read that if a child was touching their genitals, that it would be a good idea to tell them that while it's ok to touch themselves if they want, that it's something they should do in private rather than out in public. I would agree with that idea.

I think it's likely that kids are teaching eachother some things about ''sex'' (as per their understandings of it) and I'm not sure I/we as parents could really ever stop that in its entirety. For instance, I am quite sure that my notions of playing sex with my barbies did not come from my parents' mouths but from another child, one or more of whom may have been an older child passing out their knowledge. I would definitely have a talk with my son if I found out he was informing other children about his ideas of sex, but I'm not sure I would place him in 'big trouble' for it. I suppose it would depend on the individual circumstances. Like he's 5 1/2 now and I would not show him anger if he did discuss what he understands about sex right now with another child. His understanding of it is so innocent to begin with - I just feel that I might be a lot more open-minded about this sort of thing than some parents, and I'm currently living in a very conservative country (Ireland, having moved here from the states), so there is a lot of underlying sexual repression that I've noticed on a cultural level.

Anyway, it really is a fine line I think, and I never imagined when I became a mom, that these little things about parenting would come up! It's all of these small things, like the situation of my parenting attitude versus a friends' parenting attitude, which are totally unforeseen but can really pose a challenge in life!

mom2many

I think that as far as the friends family goes, maybe have a talk with your son about courtesy, explain that some parents find that kind of play better left alone, or inappropriate, so as a courtesy to your friends and their child that you would like for him to not play that way with their kids.

Keep it simple, and at a 5 year olds level, without making him fill bad for normal curiosity, it's one of those moments where we teach our children that each household is ran differently and has a different set of rules. And sorry for my spelling...my brain and hands aren't on the same wave length.

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Jennifer, mom to some wonderful kids!

Aylimn

Thanks for the replies. I agree that in the spirit of children playing together, there has to be some compromise and respect for eachother's rules. It does seem to be a tough area though because one would be left asking, who should do the compromising, ya know? Should it always be the one with the more liberal views compromising towards the one who is more conservative? Vice versa? Both (and how would that look)..

Maybe I'm thinking too much about it..lol... I can't figure everything out in advance I suppose, and have to go with the flow a bit.

As it is, I've never heard the boys playing that game anymore since the one day, so I don't think it will ever be much of an issue (would be great in that case!). This is my first child and I've never been around children much before my own came into the world, so it's all new to me!

I really appreciate being able to speak with other parents here about their experiences with this and how they handled it, etc... thanks a million!

Aylimn

After browsing around more of the forum the last couple of days, I can see that there has already been some threads (some of them a bit heated) concerning the subject of children and sexuality/teens and sexuality. So hopefully I didn't make too many eyes roll when I started this thread! hahah.. Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply. You've all been a big help.

AmyBelle

I remember when I was little I had 4 friends, and the 5 of us used to play 'families' at lunch, me and my best friend were always the twins, one of my friends was always the cat, and the other two were always the parents. The twins and the cat would sit and talk while the parents went behind the brick wall to 'have sex' because thats what parents did. Really they were just sitting behind the wall talking, but the idea was pretty much there.

Its completely normal.

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AnKsMommy

I think it's totally normal for kids to get their dolls naked and talk about "sex". I had no idea what sex was really, I thought it was just laying together naked. I knew that boys and girls were different but I never put two and two together. Know what I mean? A child that can tell you all the details that young should be watched to check for abuse, but I think kids are just curious.

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Ali - Mommy to Alenya and Kaitlyn