Parents Forum

Teresa · 10-10-2007, 08:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FooserX

>>>since I'm the bio parent, I get the final say.

I don't know your situation....but if my wife ever pulled that line out of her butt, it would take all of 1 day for me to get divorce papers ready. :P

We had a long talk before marraige that if I'm going to take over the dad role (he was 2 at the time), then I'm the dad and I get full rights to be the dad.

That's almost like me having the final say on selecting what new car or house we buy because I bring home more money than my wife.

My children were all three teens when DH and I got married. Our household rules and consequences were already pretty much set in stone by then, and for someone else to come in and want to make new rules and consequences, that would have created anger and resentment all around. AND....all the children have their bio father involved, so DH isn't their father, and they know it. He's a male role model, and a good one, but he's not Dad.

Oh, and DH gets the final say in the car and house purchase here, not because he brings home more money, but because he's the head of the family.

fallon · 10-10-2007, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teresa

Oh, I don't override DH in things.....we discuss things before we set a consequence, unless it's a matter of a rule that has been in place for a long time, and the consequence for breaking it is well known to everyone. We don't just give out consequences off the cuff...we discuss them, we make them fit the misbehavior, etc.

that's usually how we handle things, inless of course he isn't home when it's time to punish her for something. I think it's best that way because like last night...we didn't agree...at first we did, no outside time, punishment fit the crime...I thought it was over...than he throws out things like no computer time and I was like

but I went with what he said and than when dd wasn't around I explained to him that at 4 one punishment is usually enough to bring home the point, ya know. Now if it was something that happened a lot then it would be time to be a little harsher on the punishments.
I didn't at all mean to imply that I think you override your DH on his choices

1dayatatime · 10-10-2007, 09:43 PM

We are a team. Who ever sees the bad behavior punishes the bad behavior. There has been times when I'm with them all day and I've corrected the same thing a couple times and he'll come home and let it slide. Frustrating but stuff happens. We have to pick our battles. It is frustrating to me to see step parents portrayed as none parents. As a step parent I have all the responsiblity as a bio parent. Since I'm only her step mom do I just let her dad handle all her issues and just be a friend? I really don't see how that would work in my case. I realize every situation is different but step parents get a bad rap.

mamab · 10-10-2007, 09:51 PM

In my house, if hubby is home, what he says goes. If I'm the only one home, then it's me. If I have any questions about what he'd do, I'll call him on his cell phone and we'll discuss it, and what he says goes.

jtee · 10-10-2007, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FooserX

We had a long talk before marraige that if I'm going to take over the dad role (he was 2 at the time), then I'm the dad and I get full rights to be the dad.

Fooser, if you're not already in the process, make it legal. Adopt the boy and make him your son legally. That will end any further questions about it now and for the rest of his life.

Making it legal does make a difference in the level of commitment from a parent. Are you in it for the long haul, or only for as long as your marriage lasts? Not suggesting it is\isn't, just asking how far are you willing to commit on part of this 4 year old. Kids are able to sense to what level a parent is commited, and if a parent is not 100% commited, they will sense it. Don't expect a kid to listen to you or respect you if you are not 100% commited to him as a parent, which is separate from the marriage commitment you have made to his mother as your wife.

Just giving you my advice, not passing judgement about what you have or haven't done.

formerposter · 10-10-2007, 10:53 PM

fallon, why was it wrong for your husband to tell your daughter she couldn't use the computer? I'm of the thinking that if the child does something wrong, rewarding them with other fun privileges really doesn't make sense. Of course this doesn't mean they have to sit in one spot all night. But reading books, coloring, or doing other constructive activities are far better than using a computer. If my daughter was told she couldn't go outside but she could use the computer, she would see that as a bonus. If she was being punished, I can't turn around and reward her with computer time (which in our house is a privilege).

I'm just curious why that was wrong?

Teresa · 10-11-2007, 03:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1dayatatime

It is frustrating to me to see step parents portrayed as none parents. As a step parent I have all the responsiblity as a bio parent. Since I'm only her step mom do I just let her dad handle all her issues and just be a friend? I really don't see how that would work in my case. I realize every situation is different but step parents get a bad rap.

Just to clarify again, I NEVER intended to give stepparents a bad rap. If the children had been younger, we might have done things differently. However, DH and I have been married four years, which means my children were 17, 13 and 10. They knew the rules and they knew the consequences for breaking those rules. They didn't need someone new coming in and making NEW rules. That doesn't mean that DH doesn't have the authority to ENFORCE the rules that we do have, and to impose the consequences on any child who breaks one of those rules. His authority is the same as mine....the only thing is, if there's a new situation, with no rule in place, I get to set the consequences for it IF we don't agree on what the consequences should be, and then he respects and enforces those.

Kaytee · 10-11-2007, 06:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by markblair

fallon, why was it wrong for your husband to tell your daughter she couldn't use the computer? I'm of the thinking that if the child does something wrong, rewarding them with other fun privileges really doesn't make sense. Of course this doesn't mean they have to sit in one spot all night. But reading books, coloring, or doing other constructive activities are far better than using a computer. If my daughter was told she couldn't go outside but she could use the computer, she would see that as a bonus. If she was being punished, I can't turn around and reward her with computer time (which in our house is a privilege).

I'm just curious why that was wrong?

I'm not Fallon, but I think the problem she was having was more to do with: she had already punished the girk, and DH added another punishment on top of the one she had. Her child is very young as well.
To me, it goes along the same lines of a toddler that takes another toddlers toys. One adult should correct the problem, not 3 adults at once.

Kaytee · 10-11-2007, 06:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teresa

Just to clarify again, I NEVER intended to give stepparents a bad rap. If the children had been younger, we might have done things differently. However, DH and I have been married four years, which means my children were 17, 13 and 10. They knew the rules and they knew the consequences for breaking those rules. They didn't need someone new coming in and making NEW rules. That doesn't mean that DH doesn't have the authority to ENFORCE the rules that we do have, and to impose the consequences on any child who breaks one of those rules. His authority is the same as mine....the only thing is, if there's a new situation, with no rule in place, I get to set the consequences for it IF we don't agree on what the consequences should be, and then he respects and enforces those.

I didn't think you did. I think the way you handle things is fine.

fallon · 10-11-2007, 08:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by markblair

fallon, why was it wrong for your husband to tell your daughter she couldn't use the computer? I'm of the thinking that if the child does something wrong, rewarding them with other fun privileges really doesn't make sense. Of course this doesn't mean they have to sit in one spot all night. But reading books, coloring, or doing other constructive activities are far better than using a computer. If my daughter was told she couldn't go outside but she could use the computer, she would see that as a bonus. If she was being punished, I can't turn around and reward her with computer time (which in our house is a privilege).

I'm just curious why that was wrong?

kaytee answered this pretty well but I thought I would add a bit. At 4 yrs old, staying inside while her friends were all out playing was enough to bring the issue home for her. Computer time is also a privilege in our house but I personally believe at her age taking away one privilege at a time is enough. There really is no sense in continuing to add punishment once one as been handed down. No if she was older or the problem was ongoing then there would need to be harsher punishment. Also she does plenty of constructive activities as well but I have to say she learns a lot more for the games she plays on the computer than she does from a coloring book

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