ntbuddy

First I love my wife and kids very much. The problem is I really can't stand it any more hear. My wife is a great person but we're beyond total opposites. She keeps on buying out storage units and filling the house with other peoples stuff. She trys every six months to get rid of everything and clean herself up. It's tearing myself and our two kids apart. She's a stay at home mom, doesn't have to work but feels she has to do this to make us survive. The problem is this costs us more each time or we make $20 over hte course of weeks. I just can't deal with it anymore and I don't know if she did change if I want to be with her anymore. This has been going on for seven years and I see this as hurting the kids more.

My delema that I'm facing is I feel both parents need to be around but also feel that if one, or both, parents aren't happy that it could also hurt the children. I want to do what's the best for the children and if staying married is what's best I'm prepared to do that. What do you think I should do?

John

Kaytee

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to ask the obvious though. Have you talked to your wife about this? It seems it has been going on for a long time. I also think its best to have two parents at home that are happy and loving each other, but it is better to have a single parent home with a happy parent. Happy parents whether together or seperate is the best thing!!!

As far as buying the storage units out and selling, my in laws do this and make quite a bit of money!! THey are retired and amke over 3 grand a month after cost. We have gotten many nice things from them as well from it. However they work very hard, they have a lot at a swap market kinda thing and sell every weekend!!! They have even found art work that was appraised for over 10 thousand.... they had 6 of them!! They paid 50 bucks for the unit. So if your wife really thinks she can make money from this she needs to do it right

__________________

If you can't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!
http://www.spcnicholasidalski.com

Music-dad

Honestly, I've read your post 5 times, and still can think of anything to say other than "You love her", and you refer to her as "A Beautiful Wife".

I do however have a few follow up questions.

1) What do you mean by "clean herself up"?

2) Why do you think you wouldn't want to be with her if she changes?

3) How exactly is her hobbie affecting the children?

4) Are you fighting over this?

I'm really confused, but if you can work it out, I think the best thing for the children is saying together.

ntbuddy

We've talked about this high and low over five (don't remember everytime but can remember at least five) times and her parents (who are divorced) have both talked to her as well telling her that she doesn't need to do this. Her Mom who drove four hours to help her this time said she about *freaked* out when she saw our yard.

I can see the potential of money but we have a nice 5-6 acre front yard and half of it is full of the storage unit stuff. It's rained and now is all ruined. This isn't the first time either. This is the third big "sale" since we've lived here which is only one year and probably 5-6 times at the last house and 3-4 at the house before.

ntbuddy

Yes I do love her but loving someone unconditionally is different than loving someone and living in a pig sty.

1. Clean herself up - last time the house was cleaned well I can't remember. I do cleaning too but feel if she's a stay at home mom and I work 12-16 hour days that she should do the majority of it.

2. We've talked about changing and she's promised over and over again to change. I just can't see her changing as the last promise was this one "final" sale and to make the sale a success we had to buy more, yes more as I guess a 1/4 acre yard sale wasn't enough and had to go to 1/2+ acre sale.

3. The children laugh at this as they don't see why we do this. They've missed going to friends, homework, etc. because we have to run and cleanout a storage unit. So I would say it's affecting them.

4. We used to fight over this. I've since given up on the "fighting" as I'm slowly learning, a lot thanks to this forum, that yelling solves nothing. Talking doesn't solve anything anymore so I'm giving the world's crappiest answer of "whatever", "I don't care anymore", and "do whatever you want".

John

musicmom

If your wife is making a profit I don't see anything wrong with it.
One word that you used that bothers me a bit is the word "change". You can not change your wife, she is who she is.
You don't just dislike something and walk away. You are tired of "playing house" so you think you can just up and leave? Sorry but I think that is a cowards way out. Find a way to communicate, quit allowing your children to see YOUR frustration with your wife because that is not a united front. No child would think what your wife is doing is silly unless someone put that in their head. I guess I don't have a small part in my heart for people who think they are the victim in a marriage. This is a minor problem. Get counseling for yourself, talk with your wife....communicate.
If you can not stick by your wifes side no matter then you should leave because it's you that needs to "change". That is my opinion and I'm sorry if others do not agree.

ntbuddy

We're not making a profit which is problem one. Problem two is we have a beautiful house with beautiful gardens and the gardens are pretty much dead the house is a shambles. I guess you could say it's driving me bonkers.

I used the word "change" specifically as I agree 110% that I can't make her change. She's stated that she wants to change and says she has but we keep going back to this which to me means she really doesn't want to and I need that to happen. Being she doesn't want to I do not want to force her to and being we're at an impass I feel the separation is the best thing as I can see the stress on the kids which is what's making this so hard.

How many years do you feel I should wait for the promised change to happen? Three, Five, Seven, or more years? We're on year seven now. I think I've been pretty patient so I'm not just saying "oh well" without trying.

Actually the kids always ask "why does mommy do that?". Kids are amazing "blunt" in their questions. Just as they ask me and/or Mom (or others) what's that, why does this do that, etc.

I can say that the last promise from her to change was if we buy this house I will have no need to so I bought the house which makes me work harder and longer for her and the kids. So I guess you're right I DO need to change and I feel I've been very patient and trying to cope with this. So I guess that pretty much honestly answers my question that I'm the one that needs to change as that's what she says all the time that I'm the one that needs to change as this is "normal". I don't see it as normal as spending more to do something to me is not a positive thing. If you put out on average over the course of a yearmore than you make it's not worth it, if you're neighbors talk about your "red neck" yard then again it's not worth it. I just have to agree that it's all me and why I'm through trying to "make her change" when it's her that says she wants to change. (Yeah I'm angry but in a positive manner as it's good to talk, or write.).

musicmom

Send her to the store, load up all the junk and take it all somewhere. Maybe she needs help. There is a disorder out there, not sure what it's called.
As for how long do you wait? I believe marriage is forever unless there is abuse. I don't see how things are that bad. You sound like you have it pretty good.
People in general are not perfect. I guess you have to be in your situation because I can't put my mind around how this is bad enough to want to walk away.

ntbuddy

We've taken everything to the store twice already and cleaned out the house completely and it'll go for a few months and start all over again. I wish there was a "storage units anonymous" or "pack rats anonymous" but there isn't. I know this isn't good for the kids to see this time and time again and I feel it is abuse as it's mental abuse and having to walk around/through stuff is physical abuse. The kids are the one that she has clean it all up and organize it for her. It's child labor which I don't agree with. So in essence it's abuse. I just got out of parenting classes and this is according to the manual abusive to the whole family.

ljmahr

I believe a child needs both parents. Not necessarily in the same home. If you both are miserable than no you shouldn't be together. I grew up in a home that my parents stayed together just for us kids. The summer after I graduated high school they split. It's not a happy time for anyone. Like MM I do not see this as a major problem (one that justifies walking away). Maybe there are other reason's for your problems?

__________________
Laura
Mommy to 4 beautiful girls- 9, 6, 3, 23 months.
Baby BOY due on Sept. 6th!