Parents Forum

Xero · 03-30-2008, 08:47 PM

Lately it seems like I'm continually running into the same hurtful situation over and over again. I wonder if my mind just works differently than everyone else's sometimes because of the way so many people act and think all the while that it's okay. My question is, do you think it's okay for a single parent who finds a new partner to let that new person run the show with their kids just to make them happy? Or keep them around? As in, they can do just about whatever they want and the original parent wont say a thing or intervene when their children are being treated unkindly because they're too worried about losing the other person?

Example one: When Eli's dad was just 2 or 3 years old, his parents split up. He went to live with his father, and very shortly after, his father found someone new and re-married. Nothing wrong with that. However, once she came around, she treated him which such unkindness it's hard to explain. It was as if she was irritated that he even had to be in the picture. He was never good enough, she was always very harsh and hurtful towards him, and his feelings never really mattered in the end. Because of the way she treated him, he was scared to make any move around her and so (like any normal person would) he hid away in his room all the time, and ran next door to his grandma's house to get away from it all. She hated that, so she sent him to councilor after councilor saying there was something wrong with him, when he was really a very decent kid and something his parents should have been thankful to have been blessed with. I should know, I've had enough experience myself with kids that REALLY DO have problems, you know? And that kind of thing can eventually having a child feeling as though there IS something wrong with them, which is sad. She even went as far as to moving away just to keep him away from his grandma who protected him and his friends who were the only other people he had. My question is, why did his dad let this woman get away with putting him through so much? And he still does! He would let her do or say ANYTHING to Eli's dad and never protect him, never say one disagreeing word to that woman to stop her. He would just hate to upset her, just doesn't want to make her unhappy. Well what about his son?? His own flesh and blood? Your children hold the most real and true kind of love you can possibly get, and to mistreat that is so terrible. How can he always do this? Is there a good reason for it? Am I missing something?

Second example: I go over with my friend to babysit a couple of beautiful children every now and then. A two year old boy and a four year old girl. They are VERY SWEET and well mannered, or as well as you can expect from small children that only know so much about behaving at their age. Anyway, their mother is with a man that is not their father. No problem with that, really. But the way he treats her kids, and right in front of her, it just makes me sick... He's so mean to them. My friend bought them a toy and some candy while we were out once. When we took them home, the first thing the guy says is "She doesn't get to have toys unless she can be good at HOME." and then soon after "And she knows she can't have candy until after dinner. GET IN YOUR ROOM AND DON'T COME OUT!" The poor little thing ran in there and cried to herself quietly. The boy had a little toy cell phone and my friend told him to go show the guy (cause little kids like to do that, it's cute) and he went over to show him and the guy said "I don't want to see it. You're not my friend. Get out of my face." The day after Easter, the little boy was apparently acting up and this guy threw away his whole easter basket because the kid made him mad. That's just wrong. And any other time, the minute we get home or the guy gets home, the first thing he yells to them is "Get in your room! You're grounded." I've seen their mom come in and she is a very sweet and loving person and they're so happy to see her, but if she dares attemp to undo anything this guy has done to her poor kids, he gets all ticked off and you can tell she's just letting him do whatever he wants so he doesn't get too frustrated with kids that aren't his that he has to put up with in their relationship. I also know that this guy happens to be the type to spank and hit, and I've spotted bruises on the little boy's bottom. I KNOW as a mother that you couldn't miss something like that and it makes me want to cry thinking that she would let anyone get away with doing anything like that to her kids.

On one last note here, my mom also got married again after all of us kids were already around and I love my mom to pieces, but she almost always put her husband's happiness before us. He brought in two kids as well, and every time he wanted to punish us, we were punished, but every time those two did something wrong and my mom wanted them punished, they weren't. Wouldn't want to make dad angry... Everything went by HIS rules no matter what. We were used to having a single mom, and going from mom making the rules and raising us up to some guy dictating what goes on and in a very unfair and sometimes unsensible manner was just hurtful to us. It really hurt because she always looked out for us until he came around. After that, it was fend for yourself. We didn't get protection from her anymore, anything dad wanted to do to us was okay. (He wasn't a horrible person or anything and never hurt us physically, but you know what I mean.)

I just want to know why so many people do this? Is it that important to be with somebody? Especially somebody like THAT? In my eyes, nobody is worth letting my child be mistreated. If Eli's happiness meant me being alone for the rest of my life, I would be. Period. No second thoughts! He always does and always WILL come first. Shouldn't it always be like that? Do you think it's okay to put your significant other first? To let them run things their way just to make them happy? Not worry how it effects your children? My mom said "he pays the bills and it's his house, so things will run his way." It never sounded fair to me. Maybe I'm being childish and I speak without knowing what I'm talking about, but I'd at least like to hear what other people think about this. Thanks.

Kaytee · 03-30-2008, 08:57 PM

I have no answer. Other then its low self esteem. Why do woman stay in abusive relationships? Why do people let others continually hurt their children? I don't think we will ever have answers and that in and of itself is hard for us to cope with.
I wish you luck

Xero · 03-30-2008, 09:02 PM

Kaytee: I know what you mean...low self-esteem. I'm not the best in that area either, it just seems like I'd RATHER be alone. I'd be more unhappy with a person hurting my children than by myself. I suppose some people just seem to think their life can't operate without having a significant other, and definitely in a lot of cases they don't think they can do better. I think it's all a matter of patience, and there's no reason to settle for someone that can't be a halfway decent parent to the innocent little person that was in your life first.

I don't know. It's so hard to understand how the world works sometimes.

Kaytee · 03-30-2008, 09:04 PM

questions we will someday find the answers to. Just not in the lifetime

Amber · 03-30-2008, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xero

I just want to know why so many people do this? Is it that important to be with somebody? Especially somebody like THAT?

No.

I'd rather be single for the rest of my life and die with a thousand cats by my bedside than be with a man who couldn't treat my children well.

Teresa · 03-31-2008, 04:42 AM

I've been divorced twice. With both remarriages, I made it clear that my children were MY responsibility. There were set rules and consequences we were all used to following, and any man who came into our lives was going to have to be willing to help me enforce those. If he saw a need for a new rule, he and I would negotiate it, as well as an appropriate consequence, and then I would present it to the children.

FooserX · 03-31-2008, 08:03 AM

>>>I just want to know why so many people do this? Is it that important to be with somebody? Especially somebody like THAT?

Yes...some people just put their own needs over their kids.

musicmom · 03-31-2008, 08:35 AM

I think a woman should be strong enough to tell any man up front that her children come FIRST and let him know his posistion right away. If he can not handle that then there's the door.
My children ARE my relationship, if a man comes along that's great but he most def will come after them. I think a good man wouldn't have it any other way and would respect that. Don't ya think?

Xero · 03-31-2008, 01:15 PM

Amber: Lol. Seriously though, that's how I feel! I don't get how anyone could feel differently. The idea just doesn't register as possible in my mind.

Teresa: See, that's so smart! There's no reason things shouldn't be that way! Those kids are depending on you to protect them and keep things constant and positive for them, and any good parent would recognize that.

Fooser: It must be something like that...which is very sad to me. In my mind though, it seems like if my children were unhappy and being mistreated because of me, then I would be unhappy too.

musicmom: That is what I think! I don't NEED any other relationship outside my child's. Any other relationship after that is nice but would never come first or be most important. I guess some people don't think they deserve a decent man/woman.

HappyMomma · 03-31-2008, 01:20 PM

I simply could not be with someone that didn't love and respect my daughter. She is my first responsibility and first love.

I do think that those kind of situations stem from low self-esteem and selfishness.

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