TabascoNatalie

I'd like so say a word in defense of the boy's mother. if he's 17-18 at the time, maybe his mother isn't really keeping track of every time and every friend who is accompanying her son to the mall? or she can be lied to as well?
if it was me in the situation, i'd at least be confused.
i understand you're angry at them for breaking your rule, but on the other hand... what bad can happen in the mall in the daytime? they wouldn't be having sex there or something? and they obviously are not *alone* in the mall. (do we refer to the "mall" here as a giant supermarket where you normally go shopping?)

would you object so much if it was some other boy?
i'm not harrassing you or trying to disagree to every word. but... if its been going on for what seems now like years, maybe its a signal that really they really care about each other? i mean, if they're willing to face the trouble. other kids might have found "easier" dates. YES, you have full rights to object that realtionship. But maybe you shouldn't completely disregard your daughter's feelings?

By the way, if you're concerned about your daughter meeting other, different people, maybe you and her should try travelling? summer camp? switching schools? volunteering? i know it's a school year, but just some random thoughts.

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Xero, i'm suggesting nothing. i thought we're having a debate. i am sorry you took a hypothetical situation so personally.

Brokenhearted

The reasons I am so aggravated is because
1. I have spoken to the boy about his behaviors and how they creep me out
2. I have spoken to his parents
3. I have spoken to my daughter

* It is true at one point back summer of 2008 we MADE them break up
* It is also true that at the point I made her break up with him she was 14 going on 15 (now is 16 going on 17 in December) he is going to be 20 in August
* After we made them break up she accepted it and began following our rules which is why she was given the freedom (she stayed away from him all of her 10th grade year)

* She stayed away from him until this year her 11th grade year in June he began showing up at her work in May and sending his sister to talk to her and she gave in and decided she wanted him in her life

** I agree that she will eventually be 18 and won't be able to dictate to her to stay away from men who are showing signs of abuse and if she decided to be with him, it will not be made easy for her I see her making a big mistake because she cannot follow her dreams and woo this dope at the same time (she cannot multi task)

Xero

I'd say once she turns 18 (assuming you're still paying for college, car and whatnot) if it were me I would give the relationship a chance, let her try it out and see how they do. If she starts failing school, dooing poorly at work, or getting into trouble then I would threaten her with a cut off from school and car and living money. That at least gives you a chance to prove your point, and makes it more than fair for you to take these things from her. But only after she's turned 18, IMO. Just because I don't approve of big age gap relationships that involve teenagers under 18. After that, they can pretty much date whoever they want. Its what I think I would do.

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Brokenhearted

Makes sense. Even though I truly feel I gave them a chance which is how I was made an a%% out of several times over. Mainly just worried because he exhibits a lot of signs of wanting her all to himself and cutting her off from friends and family. But I think I could do that once she is 18 and hopefully a bit more mature.

16th ave.

ok, so she Aint 17. i thought she was since you said she was and didn't say that she was almost 17 in your first post about this whole mess.

let me get this straight now: you have spoken to her, him, And his parents about this and made it clear he and she aint allowed contact. his mom continues to help it happen, encouraging the lying and most likely other sorts of negative behavior such as drinking (just a guess but its possible since there is lying). he wont stay away from a Minor even though he has been told to stay away. she's Still a minor and has been displaying the very behavior you wont accept and shouldn't accept.

the way i see it the only option you've got is to get a restraining order and file charges for statutory rape and file charges against him and his mom for contributing to the delinquincy of a minor. depending on your state, laws were broken from the get go with him being a 17 yr. old then when he turned 18 and his mom was helping him.
with your daughter, i'd suggest getting you and your daughter into counseling together and grounding her from everything until this messy situation can be resolved.
and keep doing your best in supporting her as you normally would even though at times you wont agree with her decisions.


you can do all that if you are not willing to wait and see since your daughter is almost 17 and will be 18 soon enough. depends on you.

after all that, i'd be pretty danged ticked off too.

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Father_0f_7

Cant do that, she said her daughter was a virgin. And depending on what state she's in, she may not be under the age of consent anyway.

But she can get the restraining order if worse comes to worse.

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bssage

first off. You cant run with scissors??

Second One thing I have mentioned before and suppose I will again. Is you are doing a disservice to your children letting them believe there is some expetation of privacy on the internet or cell phone. I have told my boy that I will check his internet history and system log from time to time to see that he is not somewere he shouldnt be. And I do, many times while he and I are playing games in his room. I dont think its "spying" If they know your doing it. I would only resort to spying If I had a good reason to go to that extreme. He understands that people go to jail, get fired from jobs, and kicked out of school for things they do on the computer and with cell phones. It not private for anyone. I think what FO6 said was also well put and worth repeating.



As far as the derailed portion of the thread. I dont think that you can make people the age were talking about. Do what you want. I believe its called peeing in the wind. Sure you can get mad. You can let off some steam. You can get some support here. And some contridicting opinions. But that does not change the fact. That you cant succesfully force these young adults to behave the way you would like.

It sounds like you have done the right things as a parent giving the information and education she will need to make informed decisions. But I am sorry to say thats probably as far as you can go.

IMHO

The views expressed in this post are not the view of the forum or its members. they are only the humble opinion of this poster

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Brokenhearted

Not sure why you don't get this but this "boy" drives a car, last I checked that makes them mobile. This means they are not where they say they are as I have caught that happening as well. They are alone meaning UNSUPERVISED. I think it's great that if this were your 16 1/2 yr old (17 in December) daughter that you would let them be alone. You know what they call parents like you? GRANDPARENTS! I am trying to prevent my daughter from making a mistake that can ruin her life.

As for his Mother she has been flat out told by me that I caught them being unsupervised. She has been caught by me, lying for them that they were NOT ALONE at the mall when they were and were alone in his car a few times. I expressly explained to this woman that I do not want my daughter alone in anyone's car. I am not in the habit of leaving teens alone of opposite sexes because ummm that is stupid.

Brokenhearted

Thanks and I appreciate your concern and understanding at my horror. I have already been to the Police back when she was in entering 10th grade (last year) she was going on 16 then and was told by Police that here in NJ the age of consent is 16. He also said that most girls play that go away come here game with boys not realizing it can cause major trouble.

Turns out that even though I was at the Police at my DAUGHTERS request because she was trying to stay away from him and he kept showing up at her school during school hours (he already was 18 1/2 and graduated)the cop was right she stayed away from him for several months then just THIS JUNE 10, 2009 she called him after several weeks before he showed up at her friends job asking about my daughter and crying to my daughters' friend. He also sent his sister to school with a note for her to call him. My daughter finally broke down and decided he must really love her. Great he loves her and my daughter whom I have loved and adored my whole life throws me under the bus (figuratively) and breaks my heart (literally)

Xero

Aww.... you know kids don't see things that way. She'll never know how she hurts you until she has her own kids and goes through the same thing. Its sad... but its the way life works. I would have thrown my parents away over a boy at that age too haha, not because I don't love my mom to pieces, but just because I was that age. And love seems like the whole world when you're young. You don't worry about your parents or what you do to them, because you know they will always be there no matter what. Romance is something that not only you have to win, but you have to fight to keep. She doesn't have to fight for her mom's love. That's why moms get left on the backburner. Try to remember that when the things she does break your heart. Kids just don't have the ability to appreciate the love they've gotten their whole lives from their mom over the love they want to have with a boy/girl. Everyone has been there!!! She will understand someday. Its one of the hardest parts about being a parent, accepting that fact.

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