worriedmother

Why is it so hard to trust your son again when you found out he was having sex? He was having sex with a 15 yr. old while he was 18......They had been dating for over a year, when they met, she was 14, he was 17. Her parents came to me and ask if it was ok with me if they dated, no car dates, just him coming over to her house while they were there.........I told her I didn't like the age difference and that my son was of age to date, that the decision was really hers, since her daughter was 14 at the time........I seen no harm really since they would be supervised........Well, she started lying to her parents about staying all night with friends and would go meet my son and one thing led to another.........Her mother gave me a call one evening to inform me that if I didn't keep my son away from her daughter that she was going to the police to get him for statutory rape.................That was one of the worst days of my life, but we got through it...........there's much more to that story, but enough said.......

So now, my son is dating a girl whom is 16 and he just turned 19, I dont like this either and I've tried very hard to discourage this, but what can i do? I've noticed though that he's been staying home almost every night, except weekends, which is very unusual...........I asked him why and he said because he and the girl are not allowed to see each other because her parents forbid it because they found out about the ordeal with the 15 year old girl. I still don't have a problem with that either, I was kind of relieved......he further went on the tell me about how her parents had been calling him, emailing him and harrassing him over them being together......he showed me the emails from her mother, where she talked about him and put him down just like he was a murderer or something. These parents also are "Pastors" of a church here in our hometown. When I had read what all she had said to him, I was furious.........I slept on it overnight and wondered if I should respond to her about it and decided I'd email her to find out what the reason for her speaking to him the way she did...............Which I found out he was also having sex with her now..........another HEARTBREAK.............I was truly very nice to her in our emails and told her how i respected her wishes for them not to see each other, but she replies to me with the most rudest comments I had ever seen...........Telling me how I had raised a child with no morals, no guidance and so forth.........Which made me even more mad........I very calmy emailed her back with I'll respect your wishes and try my best to do what's necessary to keep them apart.....I didn't want to show myself to a Preachers wife, which in return, I'd thought she wouldn't want to portray herself to me in the manner she did........but oh well.

So, all day long I have felt like a dog, I feel that I have failed as a Parent......He's my only son and I raised him the best I knew how....He was raised in Church, He was raised with Morals and Guidance. We've talked about Sex, The importance of waiting, The risks of Sex and etc...

Why is it that the Boys are always to Blame? Doesn't it take Two to Tango? Why am I the bad parent because my son had Sex, didn't hers do the same thing? I'm sure she's upset too, just as I am, but I don't hate her daughter, I don't call and threaten her or call her bad names..........

I just don't understand this............Teen years, My Mom always told me I'd reap what I had sewn..........Boy was she telling me the truth!!! I'm sorry for venting so much, I just feel alot better at the moment for getting this off my chest.....

jtee

Nothing wrong with venting, that is part of what this forum is intended for.

Kaytee

Absolutly the girls are just as much to blame as the boys. 16 to 19 really isn't tat much of an age difference. Its a bit for sexual relations, but thats not much more hten a freshamn dating a junior.
As far as what you should do. No idea. Sorry not much help.Your son is old enough to make up his own dating decisions, but you should reiterate that this girl is young and her parents do not want him around. As much as that hurts, she needs to do what her parents want.
Good luck and hope this situation gets better soon

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fallon

remind him what could happen if these parents decide to press charges. don't get me wrong, I also think the girls are just as much to blame but they won't do jail time. The very idea of being behind bars should be enough to make him stop sleeping with underage girls and if it isn't there isn't much more you can do. I'm sorry, this must be hard on you but him ending up in jail is way more than you want him or your family to have to deal with

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Tau

IMO - its not the gender that is the issue of blame and responsibility. Its the fact that a legal adult is having sex with a minor.

Its a very serious issue, and one I would respond to strongly if my minor child were involved - no matter if it was one of my boys or my daughter.

You are correct that there isn't much you can do at this point. He is an adult, and will need to take his lumps as they come. IMO - emailing this girls mother was not a wise move since you really have no part to play anymore. These are now his choices, and he will have to live with them.

He has not learned that adult actions come with adult consequences. I don't know that it makes you a bad mother, some kids just need to learn through experience.

Beating yourself up won't help you, this girl, or your son.

worriedmother

Thanks for all the responses, just getting that out made me feel alot better. It's just so hard to set back and watch them do things that you preach so hard against them not doing it. I feel that if we keep pushing them apart, it will only push them more closer together. All parents wish their kids weren't having sex period, but with this girl although I don't condone it at all, she is of legal age in our state and there's nothing either parent can do about it. He is an adult and I've been setting back in the past year letting him try to become more responsible and learn from his own mistakes, but obviously it's not working. I'll still harp on him, but really I know there's nothing more I can do. He's getting ready to start a new job next week which will cause him to be working 2nd & 3rd shifts, she'll be in school during the day so maybe that will keep them apart as much as possible.....

I only emailed her parent to let her know, that he was raised differently than she portrayed him to be, that he's not the monster she thinks he is just because he's had sex........I also wanted her to know that I did care about her feelings and I would try to work with her on discouraging them to be apart....I was very nice to her although, it was hard. I guess it doesn't matter how old your child becomes, their still a kid in your eyes and it's hard to just let go and watch them make their mistakes. I do know that making mistakes and learning from them will make you a better person, but I hate to see him mess up his life some young girls life too.

FooserX

>>>He is an adult

He's not an adult, he's a 19 year old kid. He's still living at home, still going to school...and still making poor judgements that could give him a criminal record. How is that being an adult?

I'm wondering why you would let him date a 16 year old in the first place? Especially knowing his past?? And why would you let him go out with her alone...knowing he's okay with having sex with minors?

I agree...the girls are to blame too, but the older kid has to be held a little more responsible in my mind. Parents are just as responsible too...as they control their child's actions. Mistakes all around here.

Kaytee

Not much you can do other then kicking him out of the house. he is an adult in the eyes of the law. Also must states make exception laws to where an adult 18-19 year old can legally have sex with a minor. Usually its like a 3 year age gap. So this may be perfectly legal. Morally- well kids should not be having sex...but again they do and they will.
i do think this 19 year old needs to go to school and find girls his own age.

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worriedmother

You all are exactly right. I'll agree 100%............He's not in school anymore, he just graduated this year. He was dating her before school went out. When he starts working next week and making decent money............He's out! That's for sure. I've found out all about the laws on this in our state, I work with a few of the Sheriffs here in our town. As of right now with the age he is, he can date and be sexually active with a 16 year old. when he's 21, things get different again........

I guess maybe I am doing something wrong here, but I'm really not sure what to do.....He just turned 19 in August, starting a job next week, been paying his own way for the most part.......so how can I just say, your grounded, you can't go out anymore.......Does that make sense?????

FooserX

I would just be really frank.

"You're 19 and can make your own decisions. If you want to engage in premarital sex with underage kids...then that is your adult decision. If you want to act like an adult...congratulations! I'm so proud to finally finish raising my son!

....

....


"You have one month to pack up, and move out on your own. lol As long as you're in this house, you will abide by our rules. If you want to act like an adult, then accept ALL the responsibilities of an adult. Pretty simple!"

No need to ground, just be black and white. Abide by your rules, or he can live on his own. No need to even force the issue or be mad...it's his decision. Just stick to your guns so he knows you're serious. He's old enough to handle the consequences."