heidi

I am 25 and pregnant with my first. I am 2/3 finished with my bachelor's degree, but have decided to put it on hold in order to move 1000 miles west to again be with/near all of my family for the birth and beginning of baby's life. My plan is to become more stable financially as well as the grounding that comes with knowing I have an even stronger familial bond - before returning to university.

In moving, I will be leaving the baby's father. He is more than a pill - lost custody & visitation of his first child due to drug use (not using now), shows no impulse control and has thus screwed us up financially (it's always something), loses his temper daily, and he has blatantly different parenting styles than I do. I only feel guilty for not leaving him sooner - I'm 21 weeks PG. I fly on Sunday. All of my extended family and friends have reinforced that this is the best option for me, which helps very much.

Now - I haven't told him yet that I am leaving in 5 days. I plan to tell him Saturday morning so that I have minimal negative vibes while sharing the same space. He's going to have financial issues because I've been carrying him for the last 5 months... I'll also have to take his phone because it's on my family plan. He's going to be a beast.. (verbally abusive situation).

Sometimes when he decides to argue with me (and see life from a negative standpoint, as he does), he stresses out that we may be a broken family and how awful that kind of life is. To him, a separated family isn't an option that he has explored as a reality/possibility. I believe that he will try and fight to be a part of our lives and have visitation. TBH?? I don't want his behavioral influences on our little girl... at all. This was not a planned pregnancy - please save the lecture.

My concern is on how to deal with him after I return home and begin to re-establish civil communication .. or if I should do so at all! I know that he won't be thinking rationally for some time after I tell him I'm leaving, so I can't take his words seriously until things settle down.

The ethical question here: Is it fair to the child to keep him out of our lives from the start?

If he can show me through his words and actions that he isn't Deadendsville after all, maybe in the future I wouldn't be so hesitant to have him in our lives... as of now I don't want child support from him if that means that he has visitation. I want to forego the headache.. but is it best for baby?

musicmom

I've been in your shoes and you are very brave and totally doing the right thing.

I think you should pack and leave without telling him until you are in saftey. Once you are gone then try and speak with him. If he is verbally abusive let him know that someone else is on the phone and you are recording everything.
I had newborn twins and a one year old and I had to do what was best just like you. I do not regret it for one moment. I regret I didn't do it sooner.
Addicts do not change their colors that fast, abusers do not think of a child in your stomach. I know, I was pushed, shoved, and hit by an addict.
After the baby is born you need to go with what your gut tells you. If I could not be with him while visitations happen then I would get supervised visitations.
Leaving sounds like your best bet. Good luck. Please let us know how you are doing. I know it's scary.

FooserX

Personally, I think 2 parents are better than one. Marraige is work, and if he's willing to make changes and work at being a better person, you owe it to your kid to give him another chance. Maybe he'll never be a good husband, but he can still be a good father.

I think it's outrageous you're moving away from the father and not telling him, but I don't know how bad he is...

musicmom

HappyMomma

Two parents are great if there are no abuse issues.

I see this as more your protecting your child.

Abusers don't just change overnight... and sometimes don't change ever.

__________________
The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
~Lane Olinghouse

Nikita

This is a very tough situation, but I think that what needs to be considered is the safety of your child. I would do whatever would best for the baby. If it's safer moving away do it.

FooserX

I thought she just said verbally abusive?

I just said "I don't know her situation." I don't know how bad the guy is. It sounded like she's still leaving the door open in a way...so maybe he wasn't THAT horrible.

musicmom

She has to leave some sort of door open because he is the father of her child. She's getting the child out of harms way. Verbally sometimes turns in to more. If he is abusive towards her chances are good he will be that way to the child as well.
She also said it wasn't planned.

Sirk

To answer it from a legal standpoint, you might not have a say in the matter. If he goes after visitation, he's going to get it. He spent all of 30 seconds making the kid so he's going to have rights over it.
If you have questions of safety, you can try for supervised visitation.

Child support and visitation are two totally different issues. Child support isn't a cover fee to see the kid. The courts won't say "since he pays for the kid, he now gets to see it."

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HappyMomma

Verbal abuse is abuse as well. It can cause severe long term damage.

Sirk has a very good point. In the eyes of the law, custody and child support have nothing to do with each other.

__________________
The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
~Lane Olinghouse