Terrible2

Hello everyone. Well, due to several problems between I (the father) and my girlfriend (the mother), we have decided to split up. She will have custody of my daughter. I will visit as many times as I can without making it seem like I live there. I'm just a bit concerned now. I always told myself that if I have a kid, they won't be raised in a single parent home. I know (not firsthand) what growing up without a father can do to a girl and I definitely do not want to see anything like that happen. I don't know what to ask in this thread, but I'm just really concerned and anything you guys can throw in will be appreciated.

jtee

Sorry to hear that. Breakups are never ideal, but it is far better than having children grow in a stressful enviroment where two parents longer want to be together. Some couples take years to figure it out when deep down they know its not getting better.

Hope you can live as close as possible so that you have your daughter stay with you often.

fallon

first of all I want to say I'm sorry. I personally know how hard this can be. That said, it's up to you to remain active in your dds life. I hear a lot of fathers say things after a break up about the mother...they can't see their child because of the mother...they don't want to pay child support because they don't know what the mother is doing with it...my personal fav is..."she won't let me see my kid". Hopefully for your dd this break up can be "friendly", but if it isn't it's up to you to make sure you have all your ducks in a row so that you can see your dd without her making the rules. As keep in mind that no child is ever truly happy in an unhappy household, staying together for the kids only makes things harder on everyone. Keep your head up, stay close to your little girl, it seems to me you love her very much, everything will be OK. I really do want to stress to you how important it is to try to maintain a friendly relationship with your x for the sake of the child. I know it's easier said than done but it is whats ideal in a situation like this. If however common ground can't be met please please please never say anything negative about the mother in front of your child, that is also easier said than done but in the end you'll be happy you didn't let your dd hear you say bad things about her mom, even if mom can't do the same. Vent anywhere else if you have to, just never where dd may hear you

FooserX

Why'd you and your girlfriend break up? How bad can it be that you can't fix things?

Tau

My unsolicited advice:

*Barring sincere conflicts, always see your daughter on your court determined visitation (and make sure to get court determined visitation!)

*Endeavor to maintain an amicable relationship with your ex, at least just in the area of raising your daughter together. Realistically, you ARE a team - even if you have heated issues elsewhere.

*Never criticize your ex in front of your child, no matter how frustrated you get

*Don't let child support get in the way of visitation - legally, the two have no correlation at all

*Don't use child support to punish your ex - the money DOES go to your daughter, even if it doesn't look that way

*Be a huge part of your daughters life - go to events, call her on the phone, write her letters, get involved in the PTA, celebrate her successes - remember to do all those little things that are easily missed when you aren't together constantly.

If you manage to maintain these things, your daughter won't ever feel like she grew up without a father!

Kaytee

I agree with Fallon and tau. You must be active. Not I will try to see at your first day of K. But I will be at the bus stop with you and taking pictures!!!
Don't start dating every girl you meet and bringing them home as daddy's girlfriend. Sure you can introduce them to her if she is older but more then likely it is best just to leave that life and your daughter seperate. I don' thtink you have to do that forever, you will know when the time is right to introduce them when things are moving to marriage.
Good luck and I am sure you can and will be a great father

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fallon

I would do my best to live by the rule that if you don't see yourself spending your life with a girl you don't let her meet your dd.

FooserX

And feel free to stop having unprotected sex in non-commited relationships...so this doesn't happen again and another kid does not grow up without a dad.

fallon

you are pushing it there fooser, keep your personal attacks to yourself please

FooserX

Oh brother...why are you so grumpy today?

Clearly having premarital unprotected sex in non-committed relationships is a pretty huge issue, and it should be in a "Parenting" forum, no? I mean...having 1 or 2 or 4 or more parents who come and go out of a kids life directly affects children and their behavior.

Why is it a personal attack so mention "don't do it again?" Seems like good advice to me.