happy2bg33k

I've been thinking about this one a lot lately. My husband and I both have grandparents who are in their late 80's and in failing health. I worry a lot about how to explain it to my little one when they die. I want him to have a close relationship with them but also worry about the impact. My older child is old enough that she understands the concept of death but not the 4-year-old.

penguinmama

Even if the 4yo doesn't understand right away, it will eventually be understood as the little one grows.

My son was just under 3 when my dad died. He didn't really understand (and it didn't bother him a bit to tell someone "Papa O died.") but as he grew, he came to understand what that meant.

On the other hand, my children were not very close with my dad, since we lived several hours away and only saw him about once a year. I think it would be different if someone closer were to die.

tater03

My sons who are seven and five are very close to my parents. They see them pratically everyday. I could not ask for better grandparents. They love to spend time with the boys. But I to wonder what will happen when they pass away. I try to push the thought out of my mind when it starts to creep in.

jmeyer3131

It's a tough issue at any age.

You want your child to always trust you, which means you have to tell them the truth as you know it. By that I mean that if you believe in life after death, incorporate that, but don't do it just to make your child feel better.

My Mom passed last February. She was very close to my teen daughter. She loved hearing her sing, and the day before she passed my daughter and another granddaughter sang to her.

She never regretted being there during that tough time. Some people like to stay away, saying they want to remember the loved one "the way he/she was", but my daughter knew her Grandma needed her, and she was there.

It's been a tough year, and this month is particularly difficult. Yet my daughter understands that it's good to grieve. We grieve when we miss somebody we love, and it's always worth it to have that love in our lives.

When your folks pass, show your kids that grieving is O.K. Show them that you don't push it away, but you do go on with life.

Wait a minute...Happy, did you say it's your grandparents, meaning it's their great-grandparents? I ask because if it is, just know how blessed you and your kids are. I haven't had a grandparent in decades.

Your honesty and your example will be what your children remember.

__________________
Janet
www.CanIChangeALife.blogspot.com

happy2bg33k

I did say it's my grandparents and we feel blessed every day by this as my children have not only grandparents (actually 3 sets as they have step-grandparents) but great-grandparents as well. A lot of times I think that one of the things our culture is suffering a lack of is generational connections and have done everything in my power to foster multi-generational relationships in our family. The kids have learned so much by having the perspective and love of all these different people and despite my fears about how they will react when eventually their loved elders die, I won't for a moment regret that they had that opportunity.

Thank you all for your thoughts on this, it's very good to know that I am not the only parent who worries about this issue.

mamab

My kids have lost my husband's grandparents, but they didn't react like I thought they would. My older son cried, my younger son didn't understand. Now, they can talk about their great-grandparents, but they almost don't remember them.

jmeyer3131

Yes. Yes. Yes.

You and I think alike. I suspect you also show them how to embrace differences, how it makes the world much more broad, and how to think through their values so they can respect and understand differences while knowing what they stand for.

People on these boards are concerned with parenting, or we wouldn't be here. Unfortunately, a lot of parents aren't that concerned. You obviously come from generations of caring parents. Despite any grief in the future, your kids can only really benefit.

When the time comes, they will find that grief, though not so pleasant, honors the person who has passed. In fact, in some ways the act of grieving can be bonding.

Depending on their ages and personalities, they may or may not sense a loss. Some kids don't feel so badly when grandparents/great-grandparents pass because they know that it happens. I loved my own Grandpa dearly (the only one who lived long enough for me to know him at all) but I didn't grieve all that much when he passed. It was sad, and I thought about him, but to my 14-year-old mind, he was getting older and those things happen.

With my Mom it's another story. Moms never live long enough. My daughter was closer to my Mom than I was to my Grandpa, and she still misses her and occasionally cries. She talks to her a lot.

Good luck with the grief when it happens. Surrounded by love, you and your kids will do fine.

__________________
Janet
www.CanIChangeALife.blogspot.com