Sardis1969

Long story short...
I've recently moved in with a woman who has a 3 1/2 year old son. I've had ALOT of experience with children, but never had any of my own. I lived with a friend once while waiting for my house to be built, he had four kids, I lived there for almost a year, and was very involved with every day family life. His kids were 3, 5, 8, and 10. So, there was a lot of variety (to say the least)!!

My issue: My GF's son is 3 1/2 and he won't sleep through the night. EVER. Since I've moved in he's slept through the night once. We had a glass of wine as celebration!! He doesn't nap during the day anymore, he goes to daycare daily and gets his buns run off there. We get him into bed by 7:30pm and hopefully he's asleep by 8pm. Every night, he wakes up crying (not real, just to get Mom's attention), he cries for Mommy. Last night it was because he wasn't covered up and wanted to be tucked in. It's always something small. The other night he had a bad dream. I think that this is a reason to go to his bed and comfort him, but I feel that otherwise, he should be sleeping through the night. He's fully potty trained, during the day, but at night he wears pull-ups. He knows when he has to pee, but I think that he pees in his pants just so he can get some attention.
I've tried to get involved and to help, but he wants no part of me going into his bedroom to help him. He wants Mommy. Ok, fair enough, I'm something new in his life. But I think that the real reason he wants Mommy is that she'll sit there and chat with him, I won't. I'll go in, ask what's wrong, solve the problem, and then go back to bed. This isn't good enough for him.
I hate to say it, but he's spoiled. When he calls, Mommy runs to his side. If he's watching TV and his drink is empty, he calls for Mom, and she runs to fill it. Is it just me or should he be going to Mom with his cup and asking for a refill? (this is only one example).
He won't sit down and eat. He eats less than any child I've ever seen. Mom has taken him to the doctor, doctor says "he's healthy, don't worry about it". I disagree. He's a little bundle of energy, and gets to eat whatever he wants. No what's placed in front of him. Is this right? Does he have an option? We aren't feeding him wierd food or anything...

Please help me, I'm used to getting a full nights sleep. I'm a mess without it. I know there will be nights when I/we will have to get up to help him with something, he's only a young boy, but this every night thing is killing me (and his Mom). Oh, and did I mention it's never only once a night? Usually twice, sometimes more.

I'm trying to convince Mom that I may know what I'm talking about, but she says "it's my child, I've raised him and I know him best". But I think that there are commom truths to raising a child, and running to his side every time he calls, day or night, is not right. It'll create a child who's dependant on those around him, not an independant individual.

I'm trying my best around here, I help everywhere I can. I didn't come into this relationship lightly. I knew it would require a new level of dedication to not only his Mom, but to the boy as well, and in turn, to both of them as a family. I Love them both very much, and he truly is an amazing child, but he's got his mother wrapped around his finger, and I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry to go on so long, this is all new to me, and I'm doing the best I can, but I really need some help here.

Signed:
Sleepy in Sardis...

Lissa

Not everybody is going to agree with me here but I'll say it anyway. You need to let your child cry. If you keep answering him, he will keep playing this game with you. He cries because he knows you will respond and he wants your attention (which you give to him).

__________________

HappyMomma

I agree with Lissi.

It seems that you have another problem on your hands though. Mom won't bend on the spoiling. It's incredibly important that both parents are on the same page when I comes to parenting. You mention that you are trying to convince her that you may know what you are talking about, but have you tried backing it up with maybe a couple of parenting books?

__________________
The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
~Lane Olinghouse

Lissa

We've already been through this a few times with Oliver. It's so hard to hear them cry, but they have to know that we are in control and they don't run the show. I can tell when he is crying because he's scared or not feeling good and I will definitely respond to that. I also can tell when he's trying to control me. I admit that once in awhile I give in because I can't stand to hear my baby boy cry. But most of the time I let him cry because he needs to learn that it's not play time - it's sleep time. Children are VERY smart. They know exactly what they're doing and they know exactly how to hit us right in the heart. It's so hard.

My advice would be to answer your son once, softly tell him it's bedtime, give him a kiss, and then don't answer him again after that.

__________________

Sardis1969

Lissa: I agree with you, I think that after a couple of nights he'll get the picture and sleep (or sit) through it. It's just that he wakes up and INSTANTLY starts crying and that gets to her...

HappyMomma: I've not tried to back up my "knowledge" (as much as you can have, parenting is a constant learning experience) with books. To be honest I don't really believe in them. I'm gonna get flamed for that comment, but I think that parenting is at best "seat of the pants". Every day is a new experience, and every child is different. You have to do the best you can with the child you have. My Mother never had any books on how to raise me, and I turned out ok. I have proven to her that I have a knack with children, and that the do respond to me, and she only questions things in regards to the sleeping issue, most other things we agree on, or, she listens to my opinion on and we discuss the issue. (I'm a bit of a know it all, but I'm working on that!!!)

Lissa

She sounds a lot like me. It hurts to hear your baby cry. You might want to comfort her and tell her it's okay, distract her a bit. Better yet, give her some ear plugs. lol He's 3 1/2. He should be sleeping through the night. The good news is that they learn really quickly to get out of bad habits. If you stop answering him, the crying should stop in a few days.

__________________

FooserX

Why have you even let yourself get into a situation like this?

You’re playing dad and husband when you aren’t even married…and to top it all off, your girlfriend is playing “I’m the mom” card on you. Here’s your first, of what could be many, instances where you get the raw end of the stick. No way in heck should you allow this to continue any further.

I’m a stepdad, and when I married my wife, her son was 2….and we had a long talk BEFORE moving in and marriage that I would have total parental control of my son as if he were my own. We got that clear from the beginning, and it hasn’t been a problem since.

Trust me when I say have a talk with your gf about this right now, or move on. The kid has 16 more years of parenting…what are you supposed to do…just sit back and watch her make dumb parenting decisions? No parent is perfect, they need to be a team.

As for the actual situation – Lissa is right. Kids do this for attention, and as long as they are getting it…there is absolutely no reason for them to stop. You can’t even be mad at the kid…you need to be mad at the mom.

If mom won’t stop going to him at night…well…you can leave or shut up, because nothing will change. Lol

Btw – I think it sucks you moved in the family when you’re not married. If you leave, the kids get screwed…not to mention you’re teaching them it’s okay for love and relationships to be casual.

Lissa

Yikes. Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the couch this morning.

__________________

Sardis1969

LOL...I've gotta say that Fooser has put a blunt edge on this, but I believe his point is correct. I'm here, and they both have to accept that I'll be part of the parenting.

Robbie's (the son) father is in the picture, but only 3 days of the month, so obviously I'm a bigger influence on Robbie than he is. There is one thing that my GF said that kinda hurt, and that is "you may be a dad to Robbie, but you'll never be his father". I've been meaning to talk to my GF about this, but all in good time. Maybe tonight.

I agree with you about teaching good relationship skills to children, they need to understand that a family is a family, it's not something that goes away or changes regularly. It's a solid unit. His Mom and I are a VERY solid unit, we love eachother very much and are in agreement about 90% of the time. I won't threaten to leave her because her son won't sleep at night, that's not fair to her or I. We have to work through this, and that's why I'm here.

By the way, I thank you all for taking the time to read this and respond. I really appreciate it. And I'm glad I got another Males input here too!!

HappyMomma

We've got quite a few Daddys on the site, it's a good mix of parents here.

__________________
The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
~Lane Olinghouse