The Babysitter

I'm visiting this forum because I have some questions about this three-year old girl I babysit regularly. She is my neighbor's child and while I love them and their family, I have always had strong feelings against the way they raise their child (well, the way they do everything). This makes me reticent to enact any sort of discipline for this child, because I'm constantly surprised by the seemingly normal things that the mother disagrees with me for having done. These things aren't obvious, like spanking the child. I would never spank another person's child. It's way more subtle, like not saying "good job" or "good girl" to her and not giving her orders with the words "don't" or "never." The special rules this mother has confuse me to the point where I'm afraid to say anything at all to the child, and it wouldn't matter if I did, because it seems that this little girl hates me, so I don't say too much to her at all. For example, she is allowed to say "no" to whomever she wants, which is something I can't stand.

Anyway, the specific problem I'm coming here for advice about is the child's attitude. I know that three year olds are little demons that test adults. That's their job. What I don't know is how to respond, or if I should even bother trying to teach her how to be nice to people. The main thing that sets her off with me is when I call an object by a name her mother doesn't use. If I say "get your lunch box" she screams (yes, she is allowed to scream and she says this with the utmost sass) "It's not a lunch box! It's a lunch sack!" If I call her skirt a dress, or tell her to jump down from the potty, or jump into the car it's the same thing. She's very particular about what word I use and if I don't use the right one, her whole world falls apart. I'm not going to lie, this gets on my last nerve and makes my blood boil. I hate that she is so sassy and I think it's something that her mother should strongly punish her for, but I can't because my natural response would go against everything this mother believes. So instead, I stay calm and try to appease her by using the right word and explaining that sometimes things can have two names. It doesn't phase her and she stays angry that I used th wrong name. I stay angry that she's allowed to speak to me this way and that there's nothing I can do to punish her or teach her the correct way to respond. Occasionally, her mother yells at her for treating me disrespectfully, but on the whole this child says whatever she wants, however she wants. And I can't blame the mother too much, because I know kids are like this.

What I'm really wondering is if this is a common phase in three year olds. I know they're learning language quickly right now. Is this is just something I need to calm down about and get use to? What should my response be to her attitude? The other thing is, this kid is exhibiting traits I always hated in other girls when I was this age: general meanness. She'll start to tell you a story and if you ask her about something she told you (which kids normally like) she'll say something like "I'm not going to tell you." It's as if she enjoys cutting people down and hurting their feelings through exclusion. Should I try to teach her empathy, or should I just let her grow up being a mean girl since it's obviously innate. Her parents are the nicest people and I know she didn't learn this from them, so either she's naturally mean, or someone at preschool is teaching her to be mean and exclusive.

Sorry I went on and on...there's just so much for me to say and so much I have to learn. I will be having kids of my own in a year or two, so learning how to properly parent this child is important to me.

Kaytee

well, first welcome to the board, and secound, sounds like the kids a brat! lol
NOt sure if you can do anyhting though, being the babysitter your job is to keep the child safe not teach them anything. Unfortuantely this child needs to be taught how to behave better but I'm not sure it is your place. I know bad advise from me lol.
The one thing that comes to mind though is where is this childs father? I ask because it almost seems like she is mad at you. I wonder if she feels you are taking her moms place when mom is not there, kinda thing

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The Babysitter

Hi, thanks for your response! Yeah, I think the kid's a brat a lot, but I'm also completely inexperienced with kids. Aren't three year olds just bratty? I hope I don't have bratty kids, but I figure it might be a fact of life. And your guess about her being mad about her mom not being there is dead right. This is exactly what her major problem is, and I think she deals with it pretty well for a little kid. Her dad works 60 hours a week. The weird thing is, I've never seen the mother leave those two together. Anytime she needs someone to watch the kid, she comes to me, even if the dad is just sitting there on the couch or working on his car. It really upsets my husband.

But I think your advice may be just right. I can't be expected to raise this kid because I can't follow her mother's rules. I try my hardest, and I can follow the big ones like no meat and no sugar and no cow's milk (so weird to me!), but the little things like "no saying good job", well, I just can't do that. So I guess the less parenting I try to do, the better.

But what if this were your own kid? How would you respond to bratty little girl attitude?

jenilouise

There is a difference between bratty and pure disrespect. The mother is teaching the child it is okay to disrespect you. When she gets to be school aged mom is going to have a major problem. You need to talk to mom and tell her the disrespect is out of control.

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The Babysitter

So am I wrong in thinking that this insistence on using the same words her mother uses is possibly part of a developmental phase?

jenilouise

I have four girls and I have always said "good girl" or "good job". I have also said "never go in the street" and "don't hit your sister." I fail to understand why her mom has a problem with those words.

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The Babysitter

It's so weird. I myself wonder where she gets these ideas from, but I'm afraid to ask. She says that instead of saying "don't", you should phrase the statement with positive words. So instead of saying "don't unbuckle your seatbelt while we're driving" she says "it is imperative that your seatbelt stay on while we're driving." My sister (who has three boys) said that people teach mothers to do this so that they aren't saying "don't" and "stop" and "no" all the time.

Whatever. That's what I say. I think these rules are invented by psychiatrists who've never had children. They invent how the kid is going to interpret something and they make this stuff up out of thin air and parents believe it. This kid's father insists that she not call him "dad" or "daddy" because he doesn't want the connotations that those words bring. Instead, she calls him by his first name, or "baba." I think that's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. The baby doesn't know a thing about social connotations. If he doesn't want to be a bad father, then simply don't be a bad father. The word "daddy" has nothing to do with it. Instead, this kid had to learn that everyone else calls their baba daddy and when people ask you about your daddy, they mean baba.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. The real crime with this kid is that she thinks she can backtalk and that she is basically a vegan (who is allowed to eat eggs and goat dairy). I'd be cranky too if I never got meat or milk.

I just take this all as a lesson to not listen to whatever pseudoscientist/naturopath/quackopath wants to tell me about raising kids. I think when I have my own, I'll listen to my mother.

jenilouise

I feel sorry for the kid but also know that the behavior can still be modified. I hope mom realizes what is happening before it can't.

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Rhian

I completely agree. This child doesn't sound just bratty, she sounds plain disrespectful. And since it's not your child, you must talk to her mother about it. She's the only one who can do something about it, especially since she and you disagree so much on discipline.

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Kaytee

the whole don't say don't thing. is about babies and young toddlers. If you don't say no a lot they don't pick it up as quickly. Nichole did not start saying no until the last month or two, now its every other word lol. At 3 there is a big difference between "don't take your seatbelt off' and It's not a good idea if we go outside righ tnow because its raining. One is an imediate reaction that needs to be taken (not takingoff the belt) and the other is just trying ot get the child to understand. She is taking it to far in my opinion

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