WannabeMommy

My boyfriend's four year old son, as of late, has been refusing to talk and express his feelings lately.

Anytime he gets even slightly upset about something(that's an assumption) he starts to make a whiney sound, kicks his feet, and rubs his hands together. I tried to talk to him in a nice, calm voice. I ask him what's wrong. I try to list a few things that might be wrong. I tell him I can't help him unless he can tell me. So far nothing works.

He's been doing this a lot lately. When I first met him, he did it constantly but I broke him in and for most of the past year and a half he hasn't done it. I'm wondering if it might have anything to do with his mom, since he was like that before I met him, and now he's doing it again since he spent most of last month with her. From what I've heard, she acts that way too. When he's not upset, he actually has an extensive vocabulary. I'm trying to get him to communicate what it is that makes him act that way, and to get him to stop acting that way so often. (Think 10 to 15 times a day, literally.) His behavior makes us(me, daddy, sister) late to many things. Should I just continue talking to him or is there something more someone can suggest that I can do?

Kaytee

I'm not sure what to tell you other then keep doing what you are doing. Keep telling him that you know he is upset but you don't know how to help him out if he can't talk to you.

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FooserX

What good will any action do if he keeps going to his real mom's house and learning that it's okay to act like this?

WannabeMommy

I don't know. I can't just leave him like that and he's always going to see his mom. I guess I'm hoping that what he learns from us(daddy and me) will be stronger than what he picks up at mom's. We're trying to keep him and his sister with us most of the time, using the excuse that we don't want the kids staying at a motel and that she doesn't have the financial stability to care for them.

We do try to communicate to her what kind of rules we set for them and what kind of behavior is not tolerable to try to keep things consistent. But I guess she doesn't care.

He's slowly doing it less. I think in addition to talking to him when he does behave that way I will try to prevent it from happening. Keep him happy and maybe he'll forget to act that way when he does get upset.

Kaytee

I think what you are doing is right. You can't help what happens at his moms. All you can do is reinforce what you do at your house. As long as dad is on it then you are doing all you can. Good luck

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LovingFather

Bravo for noticing the problem and trying to help. I think this has the potential to be a long-term problem for this boy. Whatever the underlying problem, I would certainly recommend that you communicate to this boy that it is ok for him to express feelings of anger, guilt, pain, sadness or stress - not just to you and his father or sister, but also to his friends, teachers and other significant relationships. He needs to know that he can talk to someone about his feelings. He also needs to know that he has the power to choose when to talk and who he wants to talk with.

Clearly he's stuffing his feelings, which from my experience, is very hard for a four year-old to do. The rubbing of hands and kicking of feet is a cry for help. If the emotions were to accelerate, then bedwetting, loss of appetite or loss of interest in favorite activities could possibly appear.

You may need to be creative and ask him to draw a picture or tell a story to express his feelings rather than speaking. I remember asking my son about a problem. He didn't want to talk about it. My son used to carry a teddy bear around with him. So I asked the bear the question instead of asking my son directly. Through the little bear, my son told me everything that he didn't want to talk about.

No matter how he expresses himself - he needs to release the emotion. Be playful with this. Try having him play with legos or with action figures. You would be amazed what a child can enact in a theatrical setting. Ask him the significance of the characters and what makes them do the fantastic things that they do. If counseling is available that may be an effective option to consider also.

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coloradoparent

Has he experienced any kind of trauma recently? I once worked with a child at a treatment center who refused to talk or communicate (he was six) and we later found out that he was being abused by a neighbor boy and was told that if he talked about it he would be "beat up."

The child I worked with was afraid to talk to anyone about it and eventually just quit talking at all.

I don't mean to freak you out or get you paranoid, but maybe there is some sort of trauma in his past that he is afraid to talk about. I think I tend to think this way because I used to work with a lot of abused and neglected children and I have seen some very interesting ways that children cope with trauma.