jennh1982

am in need of some advice. I have a 7 year old stepdaughter who came to live with us in 2007, the year her father and I got married. She has no contact with the other side and has not had for over a year. -Just a little background-

Last night her teacher gave us a ring that is mine that she had stolen and brought to school several times. The ring was an expensive gift from her father to me on my birthday. This is not the first thing she has stolen... She started out stealing jewlery from his mother and taking it to school, then that stopped. Then she was stealing my jewlry and makeup. I have moved all my makeup out of the bathroom so now there was just that ring and some necklaces. Now lastnight when we got home, I removed anything from the bathroom that I though she might want to steal.

I am just very confused right now, she does not steal from her dad. He says it is because she loves me and wants attention from me is why she does it. That is also why he says he is not going to get involved this time. He has in the past but he thinks we need to try just me handling it... We have taken toys away for other things she does that she is not supposed to so there is not much more to take away.

Why would she be doing this?
How do I handle it?

Thanks so much

Jeremy+3

She is taking girly things, when our children have taken our things, the boys have always taken my things, the girls' have always taken things from my wife.

You say you have taken things away from her, but do you explain why you don't want her to take your things when you aren't there? Maybe you could have the occasional girly day and let her put a ring on, trot around in your high heels etc.

fallon

does she have any of her own "play" jewelry? How is your relationship with the child? sounds to me like she's seeking out attention from the women in her life

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TabascoNatalie

divorce, new marriage, and new parent is stressfull enough for a child of her age. and that has consequences on her behavior. and she probably has no logical reasoning why she steals things.
does she know what "stealing" really means? does she do that intentionally? or she's just "borrowing" things she likes?

jennh1982

Thanks for both replys. Her and I are very close. We do fight, we are both control freaks. But I do find her constantly wanting my approval and attention. I try to do things with her, like girls day and go shopping a little but then she gets very braty and mouthy when I do that???

She is very clever about what she is stealing. Like with this ring, she took it out of the white box and left it so I wouldn't notice but took the black box and the ring inside?? When she stole a necklace from her grandmother, when I saw it she told me that grandma gave it to her, when grandma saw it, she told grandma that mommy bought me one just like yours...

Xero

It is concerning that she would take without asking, but I think everyone else is right. Mainly I think that she just admires the things you (and grandma etc) have and she admires you as a woman and she likes your things. Its very normal. I would say she's really just taking without asking, I don't know if a 7 year old really knows what "stealing" is for sure. I'm sure she knows what to say so that she doesn't get in trouble, or so that she can keep the pretty thing she took without asking. That is to be corrected, but I don't think she has any vindictive motives behind doing it completely. Maybe she thought her friends would think it was as pretty as she thought it was, you know? And she wanted to show off. So what I think it comes down to is that she likes you and she likes your things.

I would say to have a long talk with her about why taking things without asking is wrong, and how it hurts other people, and how it makes her look as a person. Tell her that with certain things, if she would only ask, that you would let her play with them around you or you would allow her to borrow certain things. That asking and being honest would get her farther and in a more positive way than taking. Tell her it makes you sad when your things are gone and you don't know where they are. And its not nice to make people feel like that. Imagine whatever her favorite thing is, and ask her how she might feel if you took it when she wasn't looking and brought it to work and told everyone there that it was yours? And tell her what kind of people steal things from others, and that they look very bad for being so hurtful. The main thing here I think would be not neccessarily punishment but to help her learn some compassion and empathy. So she thinks about how she makes people feel before doing things, not neccessarily what kind of trouble she'll get in.

But don't get me wrong, if it gets out of hand, stealing definitely deserves punishment. I think its pretty normal though, I'm pretty sure I liked to have my mom's nice things when I was little too. I hope things get better for you.

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IADad

Hhmm, I was really puzzled by this one, so I did a quick google search. I won't post alink, you can do the same yourself, but the first article it pulled up was from an ADHD site that said that stealing and lying is a common action of ADHD kids, they steal compulisvely, for no reason, and then they have to lie to try to get out of the trouble they've put themselves in....I didn't think about that, maybe that's an avenue to pursue...

Mom2all

A boy who stayed in the group home I visit had a horrible habit of stealing. He took everything that wasn't nailed down. We I met him he had been doing it for years and nothing worked. After he took from us, I made him empty his pockets before we took him home one day and explained why. We talked alot about "the boy who cried wolf" and the bad feelings you get when you have to lie to hide something and storied like that. I told him that day.. that if he liked something, tell me. We would come up with work he could do to earn one he wouldn't have to hide and could be proud of. (And of the good feelings that earning it gave someone) He stole one more eraser from school that week and then he stopped stealing altogether, (At least for the time he remained at the home) Of course, we praised him everytime his pockets were empty, and he eventually earned that trust back. He worked hard with chores to earn little things. I don't know if it will work on everyone, but it did with him.

bssage

I think i'm with Xero on this one. I cant put my finger on it but stealing seems harsh. If she was taking things from school, others houses, or store's it would be different, clearly stealing. I used to show off my dad's stuff without asking and DS has brought a couple of my things to school. Like I said I cant put my finger on it but I don't think it falls into the same category as stealing.

The talk I had with Cole was more like this. Most of the time if he would just ask I would let him borrow my things. People (me) work hard for the things they have. Many of our personal things have a lot of meaning attached to them. The real problem comes in when they are damaged or lost. Because you have taken them, they are your responsibility. There's no way around that. And that is trouble for you.

Anyway to me it would be different if she were taking change and buying candy. Or trading your things for other things. It just doesnt seem like stealing in the classic sense of the word. I do think this is the opportunity most parents take advantage of, to teach the lessons of stealing.

IMHO

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JohnG

I agree with a lot of the other posts, concerning does she really know what she is doing? Does she know stealing is wrong and that there are consequences to it? I am curious as to what happens to her after she is caught? I mean is she punished? If she is not doing htis to her father and only you it may be a rebellious act as you are infringing upon her territory and especially since her real mother is not involved. I feel she should see a counselor and learn that she is not losing her father, but gaining a mo0ther!