Robversion2006

My son is 7 years old and in the 3rd grade. He is mildly Autistic and in a special education behavioral class. His communication is a little ackward at times but not significantly behind other children his age. The issue I am having doesn't seem related to being in special education so I posted it in here.

Recently he has developed a fear, strong dislike for this one girl in his class. He begs me not to make him go to school several times in the evening and again in the morning if I am there to here him. When I asked him why he hates school he told me he doesn't want to see Ebony. He claims that ebony bumps into him all the time but when I asked his teacher she told me that it may have happened once but its definitely not a reoccurring problem.

When I persist in asking him why he doesn't like her he tells me he doesn't like brown skin kids, only white skin ones. I told him that I wasn't proud of him for saying that and that skin is just like eyes or hair and they come in different colors and none are better than the other. Also he has two brown skin friends in the class. When I pointed that out to him he says he only likes them but no other brown skin kids. When I persist he says she is too dark and thats why he doesn't like her. Ebony is very dark skinned but his other friends definitely have brown skin too.

I know the first thing everyone thinks is "Racism is learned" but there is absolutely no chance he has ever heard me, his mother or anyone who cares for him make a comment about race or skin color. He has had brown skin friends in his classroom since he was 4 years old in preschool and it was never a problem before.

My guess is that he might be developing a bias attitude toward brown skin based on his experiences with brown skin kids are mostly limited to his "behavioral class" where the kids mostly have some behavioral problem. His cousins and sisters are white and don't have the same problems so he might be assuming that the kids in his class act the way they do because they are brown skinned rather than because they have a disorder.

Honestly, I don't really know what to do but it is bothering me and I haven't gotten through to him with my talks.

porscheb2000

I think you may be on to something. I guessing he is just not used to brown skinned people outside of his behavioral class and doesn't know that we are all the same.

My suggestion is to make sure that he sees the way that you act towards everyone in public. Make sure that he sees you showing compassion towards brown, white, purple, green......

I don't think it will be too hard to change his mind since he thought this up himself and did not learn from anyone in paticular.

Porsche

www.pbnjunk.com

Angeline

seriously, I don't think its a racist problem here. Like you say, it was ok, when he was in preschool and he has 'brown skin' friends too....

At the age of 7, kids doesn't really tell the whole truth, not that they choose to lie, they just keep half the truth....for fear of being scolded, for fear of being disapprove, etc

Remember his first reply was the 'bumping' incident, there may be more than just the 'bumping', it may be a bulit-up of events...

Don't worry, keep an update of the situation by initiate to ask, so is Ebony disturbing you today? Let him know that you are concern, but doubting his honesty. Whatever reply he gives you, just accept it, don't rebuke him.

If you really think its racist problem...can try this..."son, how would you feel, if one day no one wants to talk to you or play with you anymore?....their reason is because of your skin colour, not because you are a naughty boy...do you like that? do you think its fair?"

Let the child think...he will have the answer.

http://allaboutyourchild.com

WHYTEKNYGHT2003

Wow. thats really good advice, couldnt have said it better myself

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Tau

I would just continue to reinforce that you do not like statements or ideas along those lines.

As his parent, you have a pretty powerful position over what is ok and what isn't. He may continue to make all encompassing statements in order to express the magnitude of his feelings - but as long as you persist in re-framing them, they shouldn't take root.

I would be careful to acknowledge what he is trying to say, at the same time that you reject the way he is saying it. He is quite upset by this girl, and its important to verbally recognize his distress, IMO.

jenilouise

I agree. Acknowledge that Ebony is bothering him however she is not doing it because of her skin color.

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1dayatatime

What if it's not so much the skin colour as the cultural differences? Does she speak a slightly different way, is her tone more abrupt then he is used to, the most noticable difference to him is the colour but what if its just her personality and he isn't sure how to articulate that? I do believe hate can be taught and I try to unlearn the things my parent told me as a child. I have no ill will towards any other race but at the same time I have never had a friend that was anything other then white or mexican.

obie

Ask him if he would like to be discriminated against b/c he is autistic. Will he like that? Say that there will be some ppl that will be very nasty to him b/c of his handicap and how will he feel then?

FooserX

What an insightful post by the original poster.

I remember as a kid, I had non-white kids in my preschool classes. When I was about the same age as your son, I remember I said something racist to my parents. We were looking at a nice house, and I said "It would be a shame if black people lived there."

lol...I don't even know why I said it...or where I learned it, but it may have been a few friends, or the fact that I picked up on the prejudices subconsiously. Who knows? For sure it wasn't my parents though.

My parents sat me down and talked to me about how bad it was, and that was that. I don't remember saying, or thinking, anything like that again.

Kaytee

kids notice differences, right or wrong. It's teaching them that differences are a good thing and the world would be quite boreing without them

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