mikeasmel

We have a very sensitive 5 year old boy who is the younger of 2 children (our daughter is 9 1/2 years old). He is a model student in school in kindergarten, listens, participates, is very happy and loves going there. He has several very close friends with whom he is very imaginative. He is not a "typical" boy into sports and rough-housing but rather a more gentle person who is more like "Ferdinand" and loves to play pretend, draw, and imagine (he loves movies and music as well).

He has been very attached to mom for many years though and continues to have tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He yells at the top of his lungs, throws things, slams doors, and is very manipulative. He often says to me (dad) that he wishes I were dead and that he'd like to cut my head off. While this might have been considered a phase (Oedipal), it has now been going on for about 2 years and it doesn't seem likely that he'll grow out of it.

He was seeing a child psychologist for about 9 months after we moved from the Brooklyn area within New York City, to the suburbs, because he was at first quite withdrawn and not happy to have given up his friends and school and familiar surroundings at our old home.

My wife and I are now in couple's counseling since the two of us are struggling to have an intimate relationship and we are discussing this issue how to help and nuture our son as well. Up until recently, my wife indulged our son a bit more than was probably healthy for him, often trying to make up for the neglect that she had in her childhood and to replace the lack of intimacy between us, as she was scared of being suffocated in an intimate spousal relationship.

Our daughter is extremely adaptable and very happy. She is gregarious and enjoys life. She often resents our son's anger particularly when he is mean and aggressive to her. While she truly loves her little brother, she is very angry at him when he is offensive to her and/or hits or screams at her.

It is very difficult to calm him down when he is angry and mouthing off and he needs to be held to calm down but often just continues screaming and yelling and trying to slam his door to yell to get out to me.

We have tried some behavioral approaches with rewards systems and he seems to react quite well to this but we haven't done it for a while and I am considering doing that again.

Any ideas how to help him?

Kaytee

I am not sure I can offer much help. To me it seems there may be something more then just "normal" childhood aggression.
You said that he says things like he wants to cut your head off? Where did he learn those types of things? Is he seeing them on tv, movies, cideo games. At 5 I think he is to young to be seeing that sort of violence.
Also you said that he is not like that to mom, is mom saying things about you that might make him think you have done something wrong? Not even on purpose but just causual talk like "your dad is driving me nuts" or whatever. He may be taking out his aggression on yuo necause of it.

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wildrose

Mom needs to become the disiplinarian with your son. If she is indulgent and you are always saying no, of course he will resent you. You become the bad guy. The two of you need to present a united front when it comes to the rules. And above all you need to create a disipline plan and rules and then stick to them! Not for a week or two but for years!

I suggest you watch SupperNanny or Nanny 911 or both. They deal with children with behavior like this all the time. They have lots of great ideas and suggestions for the parents.

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