Parents Forum

megan · 07-14-2007, 10:19 PM

WOW...I strongly advise that no matter what else you decide to do, that your daughter gets good information about birth control and she has access to some form of birth control when she has sex the next time, and there will be a next time.

I say this based on my personal experience of having sex for the first time around the same age. I was pretty naive about sex at that age. There was an older boy of 14 who liked me and over a period of a few months he talked me into having sex with him. I was reluctant to have sex, but he got me to agree by saying we would only have sex once, well once we had sex once, I agreed to continued to have sex. I had no idea of the risks involved, all I basically understood was that my body enjoyed having sex and it kept an older 14 year old boy interested in me. I wasn’t old enough to become pregnant, but there are many other risks. I didn’t know the boy was depositing sperm into me until he explained it to me long after we had starting having sex. Even then no alarm bells went off, I just found it an interesting fact that I didn’t know.

I am glad to read that her mother and you are talking to her about sex. Now that she has had sex, she needs to know as much about it as possible. Maybe not everything all in one big sex talk, but over time. Since I don’t know your daughter, I can’t say what she is thinking and feeling, so I won’t pass judgment on her for having sex. I know I was very confused about many things, and it is clear to me now I was one ignorant developing girl. I didn’t understand why my body liked having sex, and I didn’t understand why the boy loved having sex with me. It was more than what I could understand at the time. I now believe it is important that developing girls not only understand the facts about reproduction and birth control, but information about sexual feelings they might have too.

If it becomes known at her school that she had consentual sex, older boys will become even more interested in her. Girls at that age have enough to handle, let alone the sexual interest of boys too old for them. I had boys in High School who showed an interest in me and I was so naïve at the time that I didn’t make the connection, I just liked the attention of older boys. I’m not saying all of them were hoping to be sexual with me, some were, and some were just curious about me because they had heard I had sex.

I think, or at least I hope, girls these days are more aware about sex than I was umpteen years ago. Based on my own personal experience I think when any girl between 10-12 agrees to have sex, it is extremely likely she doing so with very little understanding about sex and her developing body.

Anyway, Take care and educate your daughter about sex and life.

Megan

jtee · 07-17-2007, 03:20 AM

Thanks for the candid response. I have scanned the Internet for information about this kind of family problem, but found next to nothing. I suspect it is not very common, yet also I suspect that those parents who discover their pre-teens are experimenting with sex are not likely to openly discuss it, which I can understand.

Kaytee · 07-17-2007, 06:50 AM

Again I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. And I pray that I don't, however I think you are all handling it the best that it can't be dealt with.

FooserX · 07-17-2007, 07:08 AM

>>>there is not much my wife and I can do to stop it unless we take very extreme measures to limit her freedom, and we will not go to those extremes.

That is just crazy. How can you call actions that stop your daughter from having sex, "extreme?"

Justified is more like it, and she would be the one who limited her own freedom...not you guys. I wonder how you'd feel if she turned up pregnant in a few years because you wanted to have this "restriction-less" relationship with her?

It sounds like you're saying all the right things with her, but it is kinda scary to hear a parent talk about possibly letting a child have such liberties when they cannot be trusted on serious matters.

Kaytee · 07-17-2007, 03:06 PM

I think what this dad is saying is he is not naive... Anymore that is. You can't be with a child 24 hours a day. Yes he can prevent her from being with a boy for a few years. But heck are the girl will be without her parents at some point in her teenage years. Will you (fooserX) be going with your son to the movies with his friends when he is 17, probably not.
If I am not mistaken that is what Jtee is saying when he says he is not going that "extreme". Correct me if I am wrong

jtee · 07-17-2007, 05:12 PM

The boundaries we have set for our daughter are in line with her maturity. There is no need to add what we consider unnecessary or extreme limitation because of this incident. She has been told she is not allowed to have sex for the foreseeable future with the explaination she is not mature enough to be having sex. If she feels she is ready to have sex at a later date, or feels tempted to have sex (to be expected), she is to discuss it with her mother. At her maturity level, this is good enough.

FooserX · 07-18-2007, 07:11 AM

>>>>Will you (fooserX) be going with your son to the movies with his friends when he is 17, probably not.

No, but I'll be dropping him off, and picking him up! lol

It just depends on how our relationship is. If he's always honest and can be trusted...then I have no problems with him going to the movies alone. I also plan on meeting all of his "friends" and girlfriends as well as their parents, and if they pass the standards test, then sure....I'm not going to be over protective.

There will be a "no alone" time with the opposite sex rule in effect though. I know how sex happens...first it's just time alone. Then it's just holding each other....then it's just kissing...and a week later you're having sex and it feels like a natural progression. The only real way to stop that is to make sure my kid is involved in school/sports, and has things to do instead of time to waste being bored.

megan · 07-18-2007, 10:52 AM

JTee, You have not commented on birth control. Maybe you don’t want to saying anything publicly, which is perfectly acceptable, but I think it is an issue that must be addressed with your daughter ASAP.

I strongly feel that any girl who has decided to become sexually activity, needs access to birth control, even as young as your daughter. I think I read that your daughter is not yet old enough to conceive, but no matter how good her doctor might be at judging a girl’s development, the doctor is not going to get any more concrete as “Any month now”. Which means anytime during the next 24 months. Yes, there is a lag time between when a girl is physically capable of having sex as developing young woman and her first period. I advise she should be informed that she could become pregnant any time she has unprotected sex. I think it is easy for younger girls who do start having sex to think unprotected sex is safe, but when they are old enough to conceive, they don’t start using protection.

Take care,

megan

Kaytee · 07-18-2007, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FooserX

>>>>Will you (fooserX) be going with your son to the movies with his friends when he is 17, probably not.

No, but I'll be dropping him off, and picking him up! lol

It just depends on how our relationship is. If he's always honest and can be trusted...then I have no problems with him going to the movies alone. I also plan on meeting all of his "friends" and girlfriends as well as their parents, and if they pass the standards test, then sure....I'm not going to be over protective.

There will be a "no alone" time with the opposite sex rule in effect though. I know how sex happens...first it's just time alone. Then it's just holding each other....then it's just kissing...and a week later you're having sex and it feels like a natural progression. The only real way to stop that is to make sure my kid is involved in school/sports, and has things to do instead of time to waste being bored.

I was a good kid in high school, decent grades, involved in theater blah blah. Have only been with 2 people in my life. Obviously one is my husband. I never ditched school, never did much that would warrant me getting in trouble. I did sneak out of my house a few times when I was 17, but... on a whole not really a bad kid. I can tell you if you think your child is going to do everything you think they will growing up, you are nuts. How hard is it for a kid to be "dropped off at the movie, go buy a ticket for a movie, then leave go "be alone" with another then go back to the theater and wait for you to pick them up. Not hard. Believe me kids will do what they want. It's our jobs as parents to make sure they do this as little as possible but none the less they will do things we don't know about.

Megan-- I agree that birth control should be discussed, I would assume that it has, but never assume to much right?

jtee · 07-18-2007, 05:25 PM

My wife and I are not in full agreement on the subject of birth control. We agree that the topic should be discussed in detail with Jill so she understands what birth control is (and isn't) and why it is important, but we disagree on whether or not to make it available to her. My wife wants our daughter to have some form of birth control effective immediately. I feel our daughter is still not mature enough to be given birth control; Jill is still just a girl in pretty much all aspects, not a teenager who is going to have sex no matter what we say or do to try and prevent it.

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