Parents Forum

jtee · 07-26-2007, 06:45 PM

Maybe this whole situation could be perceived like Jill didn't know how to swim and was very curious about swimming. Knowing only a little about swimming in theory she decided to go to deep end of the pool and jump off the high dive. As a parent it would be a scary thing to find out she had done it after the fact. That is kind of how this feels. As my wife has stated: "We dodged a bullet"; we found out before anything serious happened. Yes they did have sex, but we found out, and nobody was hurt or traumatized, nor any life altering event occur (ie pregnancy). Medically Jill is perfectly healthy. So we are trying to move forward, feeling less stress as time passes.

I can't say it still doesn't bother me when I think about it, because clearly it does. I was very unprepared for this to happen, and I find that scary. My wife is handling it better thankfully.

SageMother · 07-26-2007, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FooserX

>>>>>My wife has told me there may come day while Jill is still living at home that she will come to my wife and say "I want to start having sex with my boyfriend" and we will have to accept her decision because she has reached that point where she is capabled of making those decisions for herself.

You'll have to accept it, huh?

You're killing me with this ultra calm laisse faire attitude here. :-)

If I ever had a daughter and she came up to my and my wife to say she wanted to have sex, I would say, "If you want to choose to be an adult by having sex, then you can move out, pay your own rent, car, and school bills because that is what it means to be a mature adult. If you would like to continue living with us, get an education...then you will live by our rules, and rule #1 - NO SEX!"

I don't know....but in my home, this would be a matter between myself and the daughter, but then I have always run a matriarchal household.

Kaytee · 07-27-2007, 08:41 AM

My house leans toward matriarchal but not 100%, but I agree if my daughter was mature enought o come to me saying she was thinking about having sex, I would not blow up and her and threaten to kick her out!!! Jeez I would feel so good about talking to my parents if that happened. But I would seriously have a talk with her and thank her for coming to me with such an important issue

FooserX · 07-27-2007, 09:42 AM

>>>>I would not blow up and her and threaten to kick her out!!!

Why do you always take what I say and twist it into something that barely resembles my original thought?

Seems to me that telling a daughter it is NOT okay to have pre-marital sex, and it will not be tolerated is a lot different than threatening her, "blowing up" and not being understanding to the situation. lol

I've seen the "calm, logical reasoning" approach to matters like this before, and it results in kids, and adults for that matter, taking advantage of the relaxed atmosphere and doing whatever they want.

Kaytee · 07-27-2007, 10:22 AM

umm did you not say you would tell your dd she would have to move out and pay her own way? Sounds like kicking her out if she decides to have sex while living with you?

FooserX · 07-27-2007, 10:47 AM

>>>umm did you not say you would tell your dd she would have to move out and pay her own way? Sounds like kicking her out if she decides to have sex while living with you?

Yeah, but in a calm rational way that makes it seem like it will be her decision, but it's really not. ;-P

If she's younger than 18, then it's not even up for discussion. She won't be allowed to do anything except school and job if she lobbies for sex.

Kaytee · 07-27-2007, 12:09 PM

I agree that staying calm is the key, but threats don't work on kids let alone teenagers. Of course with this particular discusssion I am assuming your daughter would be an older teen, not 11 like the PP. I hope hte best that your future daughter (you only have one son right?) does not have premarital sex as I hope for my own daughter, however realistically teenagers usually have sex before marriage.

jtee · 07-27-2007, 12:40 PM

The hardcore no tolerance approach can be effective in some families, but just as ineffective in others. I think the danger is deciding too far in advance which method will work with a particular child, and be close minded to the best solution. It is tough because often faith and community dictate so many things in families, so parents struggle with outside influences\opinions on how best to handle a situation.

SageMother · 07-28-2007, 05:45 PM

I think everyone here is capable of deciding what they might do in similar circumstances, and then except any consequences as the result.

There are some things that people can't tolerate well, one of them being their son or daughter being sexually active, with their knowledge, while still living in the home with their birth family. Through out the ages we have seen how well that works out for people with such limits....unplanned pregnancies included.

Sometimes it's better to avoid reading things that get our emotions so stirred that we can't take it any longer, and leave the conversation to those who feel at ease with the subject matter.

Kaytee · 07-29-2007, 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SageMother

I think everyone here is capable of deciding what they might do in similar circumstances, and then except any consequences as the result.

There are some things that people can't tolerate well, one of them being their son or daughter being sexually active, with their knowledge, while still living in the home with their birth family. Through out the ages we have seen how well that works out for people with such limits....unplanned pregnancies included.

Sometimes it's better to avoid reading things that get our emotions so stirred that we can't take it any longer, and leave the conversation to those who feel at ease with the subject matter.

Good point Sage

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