mill

I've just had a terrible couple of days. My daughter has been having problems with a girl at school and unfortunately the mum and I are friends.

This other girls clearly does not like mine and backbites about her and subtly puts her down. My daughter is used to it and now doesn't really care - at least that's what she says, but I care, especially as she shares friends with this other girl and it is affecting my friendship with the mother.
So, I suggested me and the mother discuss how and what to do about it.

BIG mistake.
We started off pretty civilised. As far as I knew, this girl (B) didn't like mine because of something she did in the very first term, and wouldn't say what it was. I found out that my daughter had made a personal remark - in fact several - which upset her and that's why she started being mean. It's understandable, but this other girl often makes personal remarks too.
We agreed to tell the girls to stop backbiting and making personal remarks.

However, while we were going through this my 'friend' went into great detail about just what it was about my daughter which irritated her child, and about how other friends had agreed. Apparently my daughter 'tries too hard', has irritating mannerisms (which show a lack of confidence) and cries too easily. I know all of this of course, but I felt it was really unnecessary of my friend to rub this in my face. I felt so sorry for my little girl, but my friend was almost laughing about it - she seemed to take pleasure in telling me this.

We parted on good terms but I felt very upset with my friend. There was no end of things I could have said about her daughter - all very negative! - but I didn't. So.. I asked my daughter about the incident and she said that the other girl said the same personal remark to her at which point my daughter threw it back - takes one to know one type thing. My mistake was then to email my friend to provide this side of it and then all hell broke loose - she sent a terrible email outlining even more of what her daughter thought of mine.

argh. I then defused it and apologised for my child - but I've received no apology back.

Anyhow - that's not the point here! This sort of thing has happened before. What seems to happen is that my daughter is very sensitive and can cry and feel hurt easily. The transition to seniors seems to have weakened what self-control she had before. If she feels someone is being nasty to her she will do the same back to them 'to make them see what it feels like' - but they never see it that way and she is always painted as in the wrong and trouble starts. She is also quite competetive and can get unnecessarily annoyed anf frustrated when working in a group and the others aren't trying hard enough - which is another problem. She then cries because she feels bad at being horrid to other people and her friends end up thinking very little of her presumably! Underneath it all, she is such a sweet girl.

Obviously she has to become thicker skinned and also more in control of her emotions. ANY ideas how I can help her to do this?

Kaytee

I am so sorry that your daughter is having to deal with this. Sorry for you as well, it seems that women is not really a freind to begin with. This situation is horrible. I am sure your daughter has learned her lesson by talking negatively about someone, and now she is getting way more then she could ever deserve, even if she was the one to start, which she wasn't. So sad, I do hope that things do work out for both you and your daughter.

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Melissa

I suggest you check out a book called, Mean Girls. It covers "emotional bullying" which is so much harder to spot or discipline than the physical bullying, but can have very long lasting and damaging affects. I haven't read the whole thing yet. My daughter is only 10 but has already had some mean girl experiences and the book was pretty helpful.

I am sorry for you. You have a right to be angry at the mom and at her daughter. You showed a lot of restraint when you chose not to go off about her kid's behavior. Teaching your kids to manage these situations is hard. Most of us, even as adults, struggle with how to work through these situations.

And as for your daughter crying easily (how dare that woman slam your parenting with that "lack of confidence" comment!), she's not done becoming who she will be yet. And I'd like to tell you about my best friend. She cries easily and always has; her sensitivity and tenderness are what make her a great friend. But now that she's an adult, if someone is unfair to her she is able to call them on it in a direct way, even if she's crying at the time. She has gained confidence without losing her sensitivity. Again, your daughter is still developing. I encourage you to be gentle with her and with yourself. Good luck.

newdad06

You said your daughter cries because she feels bad about being horrid to people. I have to say, I wish more people felt guilt for being mean. She and you ought to be proud of her for having developed a sense of responsiblity for her words.

If the other mother is a friend she should want to help the girls come to an understanding, not add fuel to the fire. Seems to me, that if mom is setting an example like this, then the daughter is probably not going to be inclined to behave differently.

Wish I had better advice. Good luck.

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Melissa

Sorry, the book is called Odd Girl Out.