mill

Hi all,

I have two children 9 (boy) and 12 (girl). Today i had a problem getting both of them to school.

My daughter is first year at seniors. We used to live in the Middle East but came back here three years ago and ever since, she seems to have had periodic problems with her friendships. She feels different and that she doesn't fit in. She is pretty, intelligent and sporty - has everything going for her in my book, but is desperate for acceptance for others and seems extra sensitive to what others say. She says she doesn't know how to act - can't be herself and claims others think she's weird, but when I have them round to play they genuinely seem to like her. Last night it happened again: she cried that she has lost all of her confidence and self-esteem, she says she hates England and wants to go home (Middle East I presume).

I suspect that all of this is coming from a general insecurity within herself as well as the usuall hormones and worries that come with her age - only she seems a little more sensitive than others. I really want to help her feel better about herself but don't really know how. I have always complimented her and praised her when it is due, avoided unnecessary criticism and taken care to be encouraging and have encouraged her to do things which would raise her self- esteem. It works for a while, but she is so easily knocked back. I wonder then, if I am indulging her.

Onto my son: he was always a clingy and shy child, but our spell in the Middle East gave him a lot of confidence and a bit more independence. But he has always really hated saying goodbye to me or being separated. If I don't wait with him at the school gate until the bell goes for him to go in, he bursts into tears. He is also hyper sensitive to the very slightest sharpness in tone and gets upset when adults are strict or angry. I accept that this is his character and insecurity may run in the family, but I have managed to overcome these feelings - but how on earth do I help my children?

mamab

I really wish I had some words of advice for you. I would suspect, as well, that some of your daughter's issue is hormones. Perhaps you can check with your family doctor to see if there's something you can do, medically to help her out. I have a friend that swears by herbal teas when her daughter (who's also 12) starts getting PMSy.

In regard to your son, I just don't know. Neither of my boys are particularly sensitive, so I have no frame of reference. I'm sorry. I hope that someone else will be able to advise you.

Kaytee

I don't have much advise either since I have a baby still, but... my sister has a very overly sensitive boy as well. He is 6 almost 7 and will cry if you look at him wrong. He is shy but warms up once he gets to know a person. He has lots of friends but tends to get pushed around at times. Doing things he doesn't really want to do just because the other kids want to kind of thing. One thing that really helped him is Karate. He has been in it for about a year now and LOVES it! It gives him so much more confidence then he used to have. He still gets pushed around easliy but a huge difference none the less. You may want to try something like that.
For your daughter I would not completely blame it on hormones, not that its probably not that, but she could be going through a slight depression, (yes I know thats due to hormones just don't want it blamed on them) Be grateful that she comes to you still and I agree with pp talked to her doc. Or maybe some herbal tea would do the trick. I don't know

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SageMother

It might be helpful to arrange some activities for your children, that they are already good at. Nothing that is going to be an extra challenge, will make them feel better about themselves when they are already grappling with so much. If they can participate in an activity that comes easily, they can have an experience that bolsters the person they already are!

mill

Thanks all. I've been trying to get my son to do Karate in fact, for exactly those reasons. He did do football and cricket, and cubs and swimming at different times- but after about a year gave them all up - the reason...the teachers were 'horrid' to him, so he said. I'm wondering if a Karate teacher, with the emphasis on discipline might put him off. I am looking into Judo though, as he can do that with his best friend.

As for my daughter. I agree, that hormones do have something to do with it, plus genetics - my mother is very emotional and insecure and my daughter reminds me of her (to my horror). I accept that both my children are very emotional kids, and I accept that there is an upside to being emotional: they are in touch with themselves, not repressing anything and at least I know what is going on. I just wish I could pass on some coping strategies to help them to manage their emotions - I try, but hey, I'm their mum and sometimes things are better received from someone else.

On the upside. When I wrote the initial post, it was the morning after my daughter had been upset and I was worrying about how she was getting on at school that day. I felt a bit helpless to be honest. However, the night before, when she was upset, I had actually done something different: I held back from trying to 'make it better' - which is what I want to do, I stopped myself trying to give advice, and I listened, empathised and said I understood. I asked her if she had told any of her friends how she felt and left it at that.

When she came home, the next day, she felt much better. She said she'd talked to her friends and many of them said they had felt the same way. So there was a positive outcome. I think that the difficulty of being a mum is that you don't want to see your kids unhappy. But you can't protect them from all hardships - they need to confront difficulties to be able to deal with what life throws at them. I will try just listening again next time - but it's very hard!

Kaytee

Well I am glad you had a positive outcome in the last event. Maybe thats what your dd needs is just someone to talk to, and well if thats you I am sure you are ok with that one.
And you are right being emotional is not always bac, as long as it is healthy.

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