cdn-joe

Hello all

I'm new here. I'm a dad of 2 girls aged 10 and 6. And last night I spanked my 10 y/o. I had a good reason, but I still feel guilty.

She called her mother stupid and useless.

I guess the real problem is that my wife never follows through on her threats of punishment for bad behaviour, and it is left to me. I believe that all children should have a little fear of their parents, especially when they do something wrong. Old fasioned, I know.

But I still feel bad. And the day after she got such a good reportcard too.

Any advice?

HappyMomma

Hello and welcome.

I will tell you that I personally am against spanking, so I can understand the guilty feelings you are experiencing.

I think the first order of business is that you and your wife need to get on the same page in regards to discipline with the kids, otherwise you will be fighting a losing battle if one parent is not backing the other.... this of course includes consistancy and follow through. If they know that you will ask them to do something five times - they will wait for you to ask five times, if they know that you will threaten a consequence and not do it - why listen?

Instead of fear, I think the key is respect. (not the same thing)

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Dadu2004

Obviously, you can't take that action back. It is unacceptable for a child to disrespect a parent as your daughter did, and deserves a harsh punishment. I don't condone spanking, but don't apologize for it as you'll come across weak and willing to put up with that behavior, which will only increase the problem.

I know that you feel bad. If you make it a one time deal, or use it only sparingly when a severe situation happens, you'll begin to feel better. Just try other punishment methods to get her attention if spanking makes you feel so horrible.

BTW, welcome!

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mandrsmom

She will be better for it, JMO. We don't spank, but I wouldn't be against it. At my daughters ages we punish them by taking away their fav things. (Kills them every time). My husband would not put up with either of my daughters talking to me that way. We are very big on respect. Talk to her about why you spanked her, and how it was wrong to call her mother those names.

You and your wife really need to get on the same page with punishment. Right now your wife is like the boy calling wolf, your daughters won't believe her, and keep talking back. Make sure to seperate the good report card talk, from what she did wrong. I tell my girls all the time, that they are good girls overall, they just get naughty sometimes.

Good Luck!

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cdn-joe

Thanks all.

I know me and the wife need to get on the same page. But it is easier said than done. My daughter really isn't a disrespectful child. Really! It's just that she acts up at bed time. Boy, the mistakes we made. You know it still takes my wife 1-2 hours a night to put the 10 y/o to bed? She coddles and coddles her, and the wife gets fustrared (and me too). At age 3 I saw my daughters' sleep problems (and my wife's contribution to them). I reached a breaking point and banned my wife from the bedroom at night and within a week I retrained my daughter to go right to bed and be asleep with in 20 minutes. It took about 10 nights, but I did it.

Well, I think my wife's nose got put out of joint (as I was the stay at home parent) and maybe felt I was stepping on her toes. Well that lasted for a month til my daughter caught a cold, and boom!, my wife was back in her bedroom at night and ruined all the work I did. TEN YEARS LATER. she still has to put her to bed. I trained the second one, and she has been going to sleep on her own for 5 years, ans sleeps right through the night.

I'm just scared that my daughter's constant bickering and tears at bed time might cause some sort of psychological condition later in life (and yes, she still wets the bed too). Only at bedtime does my daughter antagonise her mother and send her away, only to start bawling, apologizing and wanting her back. And of course the wife goes running back at the first tear. I've tried to talk to her but she stares at me like a blank wall. I actually things have gotten worse over the past months. And I don't know what to do. Neither of those two get a good night sleep, ever, and are both cranky and moody because of this. I don't know what else to do or where to turn.

Teresa

Sounds like some family counseling might be beneficial in your situation. Mom and daughter seem to be playing off each other, and Mom doesn't seem to realize how her behaviour is just going to reinforce daughter's behaviour and cause it to continue. As long as it's getting her the desired results, why should she stop it? Counseling might also help you and your wife get on the same page with the discipline issues, as well.
Best of luck to all of you.

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Mother to Brian,Adrienne and Amy
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coloradoparent

I remember the first time I spanked my daughter and the guilt I felt afterwards.

I think that as long as the spanking served its purpose and was done without anger or intent to injure...then you did what needed to be done and your daughter will probably respect you more as a result. I don't think children should "fear" their parents, but they should certainly respect them. Hopefully, your daughter learned her lesson.

By the way, my wife and I use a bedtime chart for our daughter that has worked incredibly well. She gets "strikes" each time she calls out after bedtime and after the third one, she loses a few privileges on the following day (no playing with friends, no treats, and earlier bedtime the next night). If she gets NO strikes for the night, then she gets extra privileges on the folowing day. If she gets one or two strikes then she gets no restrictions, but also no extra privileges. She is allowed to use the bathroom without asking as long as she goes straight back to bed afterwards. You could maybe try something like this too.

Aunt

On the spanking, I wouldn't beat myself up. Nobody is perfect. having said that I know when I was a kid it did not really teach me respect or remorse because I was too busy feeling mad and hurt about the spanking. I can remember seeing an episode of the supernanny once where she told a dad the problem with hitting a child is that each time it happens it makes it harder and harder to get the kid to behave without resorting to it.
On the bed wetting issue, I would take her to a doctor as this sounds medical. If there is some sort of anxiety causing it he can refer you to an appropriate counsellor.
Be aware that to some extent the cranky moodiness is in part possibly because she is getting close to puberty. It is not an excuse for disrespect but trust me you are going to watch quite a few mother daughter battles over the next few years