NewOregonDad

Greetings.

a quick synopsis of my new and interesting situation: i've moved to a different state with a young widow and her 9 year old son after about a year of dating. we're very excited about our new lives together, as a new family. i have no children of my own, so my relationship with "Bobby" represents my first experience with parenting. i've fallen deeply in love with both of them.

the issue (or non-issue, i don't have the experience to differentiate yet): "Bobby" won't sleep without his mother. She adheres to an attachment-parenting style, which is a direct result of tragically losing both her husband and 9 year old daughter to cancer (2000 and 2005, respectively). i understand this mentality and agree with and support her implicitly.
because of this situation, his new room remains unused. additionally, "Peggy" and i are experiencing sleep/private time issues (DVD player brought to bed, *what are you doing in there? can i come in?*, et cetera). my undergrad psych remnants and instinct tell me that it's simple territorialism, and i should take nothing personally, no matter how rude he may act outwardly.

i want to include him in every aspect of my life. i'd also like to sleep at bedtime, with his mother. are these concepts mutually exclusive in my new world as the only father figure the boy's ever had? and the only boy i've ever been positioned to father?

thanks in advance.

jtee

This does sound like a tough issue because of emotions involved with loosing a husband and daughter. Based on what you wrote, this sounds like something complex that it might require professional family counseling and\or a support group.

I have very limited experience with this, so I personally am reluctant to advise very much. I do know that everybody deals with death differently, some rebound quicker than others. My grandmother lost my grandfather at a young age, and she never rebounded enough to want to get married again. I've known others to accept it and within a year and move on.

Pre-teen Kids tend to bounce back a bit quicker (less personal baggage), so if they aren't, consulting with a child psychologist is recommended.

Kaytee

I'm with jtee as well. Although there is NOTHING wrong with co-sleeping, he is getting older and most children have stopped by this age. The mother might be using him as crutch to keep him close, theis may in turn cause the son to feel very loney.
It may just be natural for them to this and therefore, no problem. Has he always co-slept or is this new?

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NewOregonDad

thank you for your insights. i'm so very grateful for an anonymous forum like this.

When we started dating, he was sleeping in his own bed, in his bedroom. a slow migration from that, to the living room couch to fall asleep while watching tv. within the last six months this has morphed to being unwilling to sleep anywhere else other than with mom.

when we moved into our new home, there was an initial problem when we were assembling our home recording studio. "Bobby" became distraught that this equipment should have gone into his bedroom, because "i'm never going to be in there anyway". I saw this as a clear indication that he has no (current) intent of ever sleeping in his room. i explained that the music gear needs to be in proximity to the computers, and therefore put the room together as planned.

in the past, there's been issues like, "i want to sleep with you. can't you tell him to sleep somewhere else?" but i haven't seen anything like this since we've moved across the country and in with each other. we have a delightful relationship otherwise. we're happy to see each other, are affectionate, and love to play, experiment, and learn together.

i honestly don't mind the co-sleeping. i believe it can only foster a closer familial relationship. i just wish he'd exercise the option to use, play in, and sleep in his own room on occasion, and give us the occasional night without the DVD player keeping us all awake.

the boy is incredibly bonded to his mother. he needs her with him at all times. bathtub. kitchen. television. computer. "Mom! where are you going? stay here!" *commence whining* Likewise, she is entirely focused on the needs of her son, and living in the now, and meeting his needs now. i'm interested in the psychology of the relationship, and at the same time, because i'm the new member of a now three-way relationship, am annoyed by certain aspects, (initial exclusion, lack of regard and respect) and confused by what i'm experiencing. Mom is very wise and open, and has explained, "everyone close to him has died. it's going to be difficult for him to become close to you without having risk of you dying as well. love unconditionally." and so, i do my best. my love for him far outweighs my complaints.

again, i have no outside experience with parenting. this is all very new to me, and i'm learning every day about what a family dynamic is and how it operates.

gracie

"When we started dating, he was sleeping in his own bed, in his bedroom."
There's your first clue...

" because "I’m never going to be in there anyway".
There's your second clue...

"i believe it can only foster a closer familial relationship"
Or foster your/his/mom's disbelief in his inability of being emotionally equipped to sleep in his own bed. So much for boundaries.

"i just wish he'd exercise the option to use, play in, and sleep in his own room on occasion, and give us the occasional night without the DVD player keeping us all awake. "

And why on earth would he do that? He has no motivation to sleep in his own room and by now doesn’t believe he can.


"everyone close to him has died. it's going to be difficult for him to become close to you without having risk of you dying as well.

Even though there may be some truth to this, love without boundaries will not fix it. Believing it and adjusting your life around it will further hinder the child’s emotional growth and drive wedges between the parents.


I suggest you stop tip-toeing around the child because of the tragedy, and start believing in his ability to emotionally grow beyond it. Will he ever grow completely beyond the pain of those deaths? Does anyone?

However, with two deeply loving parents, such as yourselves, he can learn to adjust, cope and believe in himself and his ability to handle sleeping alone. The reward for him going through the uncomfortable process of something he doesn’t believe he can do by himself, then coming to the other side, is getting a greater sense of who he is and his ability to handle situations he once thought he couldn’t.

He also gets to learn how to be proud of himself for conquering his own fears, and about the sanctity of boundaries within a household, and consequences for crossing those boundaries. And you get to sleep and have playtime with your wife in your own bed alone at night. How cool is that.

So you can use this situation as a teaching experience for your child and yourselves.

I suggest you start setting up some boundaries now before it gets completely out of control later on. You and your partner need to sit down and figure out what your own personal boundaries are, then teach that to your child. How is a child going to learn about boundaries if you don’t have any?

I still love sleeping with my kid, once in a great while, and for me it is totally self-indulgent. In other words, I don’t do it because I think he needs it, I do it because it makes me feel good. I mean, who doesn’t love the feeling of cuddling and slumbering with their child? But the minute I stop believing in his ability to sleep on his own, so does he.

When my step-daughter was little she was used to sleeping with her mom and dad. Well, I had two other kids and we couldn’t all sleep in the same bed at night. Besides, I had clear boundaries of my time in my bed alone with my husband.

In the beginning each night we would deal with her tantrums and she actually got to sleep with us a few nights. After a few of these sleepless nights, I put my foot down, I had to get some sleep and I knew we were just prolonging the inevitable.

Plus I was getting angry with my husband for not respecting or being thoughtful of me and what I wanted–which was to sleep alone with my husband. I didn’t like how it felt for him to put his child’s emotional needs over mine. And I didn’t like myself for thinking so selfishly, after all she was a kid and I was supposed to be a grown up. Of course these were my own projected perceptions and had nothing to do with what was really going on inside my husband’s head. His only "crime" was loving his kid and wanting her not to suffer.

In other words he was not consciously throwing me under the bus. I was throwing me under the bus because I was telling myself my husband didn’t respect me because he didn’t put his own foot down. When in reality I wasn’t being honest with my husband about how I really felt about the situation because I didn’t want him to know my ugly little secret about my growing resentment toward him and his child for letting her sleep with us.
At the same time I felt like a complete jerk for even having those feelings. Talk about emotional conflict! But someone had to stand up for me and since I was the only one who was aware of how I was really feeling, well, that someone had to be me.

So we sat down first together and discussed our/my need for boundaries at bed-time. Then we sat down with her one day and explained our sleeping boundaries, told her how important she was to us and how much we loved her. We told her we wanted our alone time, and we needed sleep and how that wasn’t’ possible when she slept with us. Then we assured her that we believed in her own ability to fall asleep in her own bed, and remain in bed all night, and what would happen if she got out of that bed.

In other words, we told her no more sleeping with us and if she came into the room in the middle of the night, she would be escorted back to bed. Sure enough that’s what happened. And my husband and I would take turns walking her back to her own room. The trick is to NOT SAY A WORD when she comes into the room in the middle of the night wanting to sleep with you. Say nothing and gently guide her back to her/his own bed.

If you speak, you loose. You’ll either be up all night explaining, arguing, pleading or he’ll be right back in that bed with you. It also helps to make sure there is a glass of water on her/his night stand so she/he doesn’t have the excuse of being thirsty in the middle of the night to get out of bed or to get you out of bed. Also make a bathroom trip before they get into bed whether they have to go or not so they don’t use that as an excuse to get out of bed. All day long you can get excited with him about this being the night he’s going to sleep alone and how proud he’s going to feel about himself, etc., etc.,

Still, expect a few sleep interrupted nights at first. Expect some serious tantrums the first couple of nights. It took less than a week, if I remember correctly, about a few days, before she started sleeping in her own bed without our assistance, it may take you longer but rest assured it won’t take forever if you stick to your "guns.". Always know ahead of time what you are going to do. Be prepared, make plans and stick to them. Always praise him of how proud he should be of himself for conquering his own fears.

Things were going really well until one morning I nearly crushed her with my foot because she started sneaking into the room at night and slept on the floor.

So we again we sat her down and explained our boundaries and if she continued to sneak into the room at night she would get consequences the next day–not to mention the fact it was dangerous for her to sleep on the floor without our awareness because she could get stepped on. The consequences were the removal of some privilege she loved, or doing a task she hated.

In this house we believe in building self-esteem through praising and encouraging our children to be proud of their own accomplishments great and small, and not through filling their toy coffers, tummys with sweets, bank accounts, or special trips to the movie house just because they behaved well and followed the rules. Good behavior is expected. The reward is their developing a sense of pride in their own identity. I don’t know who thought up that insane reward system (which I call bribing) as I’ve seen kids turn it around into emotional blackmail against their parents. In other words–"I’ll be good if you buy me this."

I want to assure you, it broke my heart to have to get my step-daughter to sleep in her own bed, I knew how much that hurt her feelings. I had already gone through this with my own sons. I also knew she just went through a major trauma of her mom and dad breaking up and I was the interloper who took her and her mother’s side of the bed. Talk about feeling guilty!

Parenting is never easy because we have to make choices sometimes that break our own hearts. But when the heart rules the head, you end up with a spoiled emotionally immature child who takes advantage of you at every turn. That’s just the way they are built. They are brilliant manipulators. You gotta respect that.

Kaytee

I agree with some of what you say but not all. Yes if the "family" wants the child to sleep in their own room then that is what they should work towards. However I do not think it is the place of any single parent (step or other) to decide this on their own.
If I ever divorced and remarried and my future husband said I could not sleep with my child in my bed anymore, well we wouldn't have gotten married in teh first place. ya know? It is just not that new parents position to make these life changing changes for the child.
To me if you marry someone that does something a certain way then that is the way it is done. Now that does not mean the new parent does not have an opinion, they should be at the same time it the parent who has been theres decision to make.

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If you can't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!
http://www.spcnicholasidalski.com