slat235

My son recently told me that he doesn't want to invite one of his long-time friends to his birthday party. To give some history, this other boy has some serious issues such as extreme hyperactivity and anger and aggression. When they were smaller, it wasn't such an issue, but I have noticed this boy getting worse as he gets older. My son doesn't want to hang around him anymore, but doesn't quite know what to do. This boy waits for my son every morning when I drop him off and follows him around during the day. They are not in the same class, but at lunch and recess it is a problem. I just don't know what advice to give my son. I don't want to choose his friends and I don't want to fight his battles, but I feel I need to give him some guidance on this as he hasn't had to deal with this before. I am relieved that my son doesn't want to be around this other boy as I believe him to be a bad influence, but have given my son the benefit of the doubt whether or not to be friends with him up until now. Any advice you can give me that I can pass onto my son would be greatly appreciated!

SpitNCobra13

I remember being in some similar situations when I was a kid. Honestly, its never to early for a child to start learning how to deal with difficult/annoying people, because that will pretty much be a problem their entire life. It seems that the easy way out would be to have a "mom says you cant come over" type of situation, because its hard to argue with. Its an effective solution, but im not sure how I would feel about the lying, and not letting your son figure it out on his own.

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slat235

Just to clarify, I'm not sure what to tell my son to say to this other boy. My son knows he doesn't want to be friends with him, but I don't think he knows what to say or do here.

jtee

This is a tough one. At 9, your son shouldn't be forced to have playmates\friends he doesn't want and shouldn't be forced to invite kids that might ruin the party because of behavior problems. If he was rejecting the boy for superficial reasons (other kids don't like him, race, disabled, religion, etc) then those reasons wouldn't be good enough to shun any child.

If our 11.5 came to us and told us she didn't want to invite one of her close friends, we probably would require her tell her friend she wasn't invited and why. At the very least, we would avoid handling the matter on her behalf. Kids need to learn how to confront friends with how they feel.

PennQuaker09

Oh wow, this is a difficult one. I'm not one to get into anyone's business, but have you talked to the child's mother? Maybe she can do something about his behavioral issues so that they may be friends again.

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michelle.hill76

As a parent, I am sure you are very concerned about the friends your son hangs out with because the friend will have an effect on your son's morals and values. So if your son doesn't want to see that friend anymore, you should be supportive of his decision.

But children do not become troubled for no apparent reason and this friend's insistence on hangout with your son may have some underlying reasons. Maybe your son is the only friend this person has.

If there are some things that you don't approve of with this friend then you should let the friend know. Give the friend a chance to know what need to be changed before giving him the boot.

Who knows? The friend may just follow.

stepmommy0221

jtee...you rock! I 100% agree...at 9, your child should be able to decide on their own who's a friend and who isn't...
It sounds like your son knows and understands why this boy shouldn't be invited to his birthday as well as he feels uncomfortable around and it sounds like good reasons...now maybe your son's friend started acting this way because he is developing maybe a mood disorder or he's having tough times at home or maybe his parents are divorcing, changed their disciplanary system or having another kid...there's alot of reason why this kid is misbehaving but again, KUDOS to your son to be able to vocalize his feelings. He should be able to tell his friend (also since it's a good friend he'll most likely be more apt to listen) that hey, his attitude changed and he doesn't feel right hanging out with him when he acts the way he does. That's it. No need to say "mommy doesn't want" or ignore it...

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sadinplaid

Some advice from an extreme pacifist and push over to boot: It definitely can't hurt to help your son learn to be honest with people like this at an early age. I'm so non-confrontational that I generally let relationships go until they're unfixable - something I've been working on and getting better at, but I'm 24. I've always been quick to jump on any excuse I can use to get out of something or away from someone, and it went from my mom being the excuse to my husband - it's rediculous, and I know it. Maybe you could help your son think about what he wants to say and how he want to approach it and then let him practice on you before he talks to this kid.

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eric@sealguide

He's only 9! This is an excellent opportunity to teach your son how to deal with such a problem. Not have him fight his own battle, but fight it with him, and teach him how to do it right. Don't be hands off be hands on.

He is so young and telling another 9 year old how he feels will probably cause more drama than is required. Your son is coming to you for help, so help him. Teach him how!!

I would recommend a conversation with the other boys parents, and then a conversation with the principle at school. You and your son need to realize that he only has so much capacity to help others before it harms him. I don't want to see your son begin to dread going to school because of this. Teach him to be kind and give what he can. Show him ways he can increase his capacity for giving to other in need, but teach him to protect himself as well.

Let them fight there own battles when they are strong enough to and you have trained them to. If you let them go to early you your kids will develop training scars, which will effect them and their ability to deal with things in the future.