bookkeeper

I don't know where to start but here goes. Firstly, I don't want sympathy. This is what life has dealt me and I'm dealing with it. I need parental advise to help my daughter.

My daughter's dad and I split in 2003. It was really a bad situation. We lived together for 2 months after the decision was made to split. He threatened me and then told my son who in turn told my daughter. I was sleeping in the basement on a hide a bed and was told by our mutual counsellor that I was to sleep with a cell phone and a personal alarm that he gave me as my soon to be ex was going to rape and beat me. Needless to say, sleep was next to none and stress was at an all time high. In the separation agreement (we were common-law and never married) it was put that once I paid him almost $20000 he had a week to get out. The day he had to get out, I changed the locks. The kids stayed with me. My daughter was very traumatized by the whole separation. I got her into counselling and to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with depression and she started on anti-depressants. Six months into the separation, my son moved in with his father saying "Dad is driving me nuts so I'll go live with him for a little while." My son and I were close until then as his father is one of those people that has to bad mouths me to the kids. I was getting the kids to help around the house doing small chores as they were almost 16 & 12. Well their father told them that they aren't my maid and they should not be doing things around my house as that is my job. My daughter gets treated badly by her father and she even knows it but he makes her feel so guilty when she doesn't spend time with him that she keeps going back and taking the abuse. Two years after separating, we moved to the country to live with this guy I thought was wonderful. Well it didn't take long for me to find out that he was a closet alcoholic and didn't agree with the way I was raising my daughter and let her know that on a constrant basis. We moved out and have been on our own every since. Once we moved out my daughter started to have stomach pains. No diagnosis and her being addicted to demoral from being in the hospital, we moved on July 1st to a bigger center. Once we moved, I became very ill and my 15 year old daughter had to be my caregiver as we had no friends or family nearby but we had moved closer to her father so that she could have a relationship with him. Two months later, I got a diagnosis of lupus and was put on meds and I started to feel better. Now my problem was I couldn't get my daughter out of the habit of taking care of me but it was taking its toll on her. I got her into counselling but soon found out that she has her father's attitude "Nobody is going to tell me how to run my life" and she will not talk to anyone about her problems including her best friend. She thinks she can deal with things on her own and will not listen to anyone. She still went to counselling because I wanted her to (I didn't find that out until much later) and because of her still constant belly pain soon started missing class and when she was there had anxiety attacks. To make an even longer story short, she was diagnosed with colitis, anxiety, depression, ADHD and other minor things. The colitis pills didn't work and then recently during another trip to emergency found out that she definitely doesn't have colitis but there is something wrong with her bowels and she needs to see a gastroantorologist (where there is a six month waiting period). Because of the pain and the ADHD (which we didn't know until recently) she has been self medicating with pot and alcohol. I moved her to a school where attendance wasn't a reason to fail and she can work at her own pace but she hasn't been feeling well enough to go there although she does feel well enough on weekends to be gone all weekend. She had a job and was doing well at it but her being sick all the time soon made it so that she didn't have any hours so she quit and hasn't looked since using the excuse of the pain. I can't tell you how many times doctor's have told her that the pain is all in her head as there is nothing in the one spot that she says the pain is. We have been in a downward spiral for over a year now and it is taking it's toll on me. I was on social assistance for awhile but they just barely paid my rent. I was forced to get a job before I was healthy enough but it gave me a reason to get out of the house. I did get a job but it wasn't a good experience so I had stress at work and stress at home. I finally found a job that I love so now I have a slight break from all the stress. My daughter is hardly ever home, will not spend time with me for me to try to help her deal with things and the short times she is here I try to talk to her and get her to change her ways but she gets angry and leaves and then I don't know when she'll be back. My lupus is acting up because of all the stress and I need some advise on how I can get this back under control. She has no hobbies or interests and does not lift a finger at home. Please help me!!! I know from counselling that I have boundary issues and was just starting to work on those when the counsellor was fired. I haven't been able to find a counsellor now that will work with me after work and as I have no friends here, I'm trying to do this all on my own. I can't do it anymore and need some help .

Ari2

It seems like you have an awful lot going on. I hope you continue to work to find your daughter 1) a counselor and 2) a gastroenterologist. She seems to need a lot of help, with depression, anxiety, a narcotic addiction, ADHD, and a GI problem. This all needs to be evaluated and sorted out by professionals. Can her school be of any help?

One thing I don't understand is your daughter's schedule. Is she away all weekend because she is visiting her dad? If so, you and her father need to join together to get her back in school. If she is somewhere else, then you should be able to rein her in on your own.

You do sound overwhelmed, which is understandable considering the upheaval in your life. You are still looking for a counselor for yourself, right? It sounds like you need some support and an outside perspective to sort through some of this.

I hope you and your kids get the needed help.

bookkeeper

I haven't contacted the school at this time as she hasn't been to school in three weeks. I will contact them this week. She is away on weekend hanging out with friends and avoiding me. Her father and I do not talk. I have tried for her sake but he is still very angry with me over the separation even though he is engaged to be married in June of this year. He will not work with me on anything and if he knows what I am doing, he will do the opposite. I can not expect any help from him only hinderance. I am not able to rein her in right now as I am not strong enough.

jgomez65

Bookkeeper:
A couple of points:
At one point your daughter had to take the role of an adult, now she sees you as an equal, so it is going to be really hard to reverse the situation, at least for now. DO NOT confide on her ANY of your problems, your illness your emotional pain, etc. She is not your confidant, and it will make it worse for both of you if she keeps feeling like she still have to support you emotionally or otherwise.
Second, go back to the basic. At one point you had a normal mother-daughter relationship with her. You probably did things together that were fun for both of you. Try to re-stablish that relationship taking basic steps, like going for a walk at the mall together, to the movie theather, etc.

Third, focus on one issue at the time. Obiously there are a lot of things going on in both of your lives, but you can't solve them all and certainly not all of them at once. Break the issues into smaller tasks/stepts. Small enought that can be accomplished.
Hope this help.
Jorge