BestICanBe

I guess I am just looking for other's experiences with this. My 16 year old daughter and I had a recent blow out. She was told she would lose her driving priveleges if she did not bring home passing grades. She brought home a terrible report card, full of F and D grades with excessive tardies and cuts. She blamed "senioritis" though she is just a junior. I told her she was grounded for the summer (in retrospect excessive) She took off with the car my parents purchased for her to her dad's house and refused to bring it back or surrender the keys.
We ended up towing the car back to my house, and she has said she is not coming home. She "is tired of going back and forth" and wants to stay there. My husband and I are the strict parents, her dad is the laid back, no consequenses guy, and won't back me up.

It has been 4 weeks, and I am losing hope of reconciliation. My therapist encouraged me to keep communication open, which I am doing, calling her 1-2 times a week and letting her know I love her and that the door is open. I know that part of this is normal, many parents tell me that she'll be back, but I don't know. Has anyone experienced this situation? My daughter is a sweet girl, but is very manipulative and has learned to play the sides very well. I think I am mainly mourning the loss of my little girl. I am standing firm on my rules, and I want her to experience the consequences of her decisions, but at heart, I just want her to come home.

sandmike123

I haven't had to deal with this situation as a parent but I did go through it as a child. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived with my mom because my dad was never around. I eventually moved in with my grandparents. Keep the lines of communication open... even if she doesn't show that she cares you are showing her that you are there for her. At her age there really isn't a whole lot you can do since the courts would allow her to choose where she wants to live. So it seems right now the only thing you can do is preserve your relationship and not fight about where she lives.

FooserX

You should be discussing things with the ex husband. He's the one who is allowing her to behave this way. Not much you can do when she's at his house, can you? I can't believe a dad would allow this behavior from his kid?? He's the one that needs a firm talking to!

Btw, removing car privliges for bombing a report card is not excessive...especially when you warned her!

amanda

My 13 year old daughter moved to her dads in March. This last weekend was really the first time we have been together since. It is really tough. Stand you ground and she will respect you in the end. I think. Maybe I shouldn't be giving advice because like I said she has been gone a while now.

joechewy

stand your ground...no matter what you do never..i repeat never talk badly about her dad in front of her....I am a divorced dad and I had a similar situation where my daughter now lives with me...she had a blow up with her mom 2 years ago and since then she ( my daughter) has tried to get me to bad mouth her mom...I always say " hey thats your mom...you don't talk bad about her!"...I also gave her alot of positive reinforcements she wasn't getting with her mom...and she has really turned herself around...getting bad grades needs a strong action...you were right to take the car...you are the parent! ....I guess what I am trying to tell you is she knows you are right...she respects you for it too...she will either come back when she is ready or not...it is ultimately her decision....if you support her decision I feel your relationship with her will grow stronger. Good luck

1dayatatime

I'm so scared for this to happen to us. Mommy is fun mommy and we're really strick. You were absolutly right to take away the car. I dont care how old I was if I brought home a report card like you mentioned I would have got the belt and grounded. They would have probly made me get a job too. I keep telling myself be consistant and never talk bad about mommy. When the day comes and my DD asks what I think of mommy I will tell her the truth and remind her that is between mommy and I only.

jenilouise

Oddly my friends mom is having almost the exact same thing with my friends brother but he won't even talk to his mom.

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Joanne

I support your decision to let her stay at dad's house. I'm not sure how often she sees her dad. But, if you have been her primary caretaker, then she may just need to live with her father at this point in her life. My good friend's daughter made this decision in her teen years also. She is 16 and went to live with her father at 14. Her father is also very laid back and permissive. But, it's going really well. She enjoys living there, and as a teenager, I think that she just needed her dad. Of course your daughter is tired of going back and forth...who wouldn't be? She'll be an adult soon. Maybe she really needs a dose of dad at this point in life. You are doing everything right. Continue to call her and let her know that you love her and support her. Be understanding of her desire to stop going back and forth. This may be the best thing for your relationship. Actually, my sister is going through the same thing with her 18 year old son. He's finally going to live with his father on a permanent basis after primarily living with my sister his whole life. Best of luck. Just keep letting her know you love her!

Joanne
www.FreePrintableBehaviorCharts.com
(free printable behavior charts for all ages, chore charts, potty charts, parenting tips, & more )

Jules

I think sometimes in these situations it is good to let them try out the other house. Maybe dad is more permissive because he feels he needs to make things up to her. But if she is there full time, he will soon see that he has to provide some disicpline and soon she will see she doesn't get everything from dad after all. Like the old saying goes, "The grass is always greener on the otherside." but don't we usually reallize it wasn't really greener, it just seemed that way.

I hope things are going ok, I am sure she will come around are reallize you weren't out to ruin her life.

Aunt

I was a horror teenager, the worst. When I look back now I wonder what posessed me. One time at 15 and 1/2 i did my own almost famous and ran off with some minor rock musicians. i did not let my poor mother know where i was for 5 days. When I eventually relented and agreed to meet her and my big sister for coffee i was horrified by how wretched she looked. I felt so guilty but pride got in the way and I stayed another month just because I was stubborn. It may comfort you to know that I grew out of it.

With this in mind I would advise to keep the lines open always. Be willing to listen and if you genuinely feel you were a little harsh be willing to relent a little. Pride and stubbornness on both sides caused so much angst between my parents and I when I was a kid. A part of her prolly misses you like crazy but wont admit it. Keep this in mind when you are tempted to say I told you so.