jeanne

I'd love some advice from parents of teenage daughters.

My daughter is 16 years old and has been dating this boy for almost a year. Aside from the sexuality concerns we have, we are also concerned about the illegal activity of this boy (drugs and stealing). We're afraid if we forbid her to see him, she'll want to keep seeing him even more. She is upset about his actions, but she says she cares enough for him that she doesn't want to end the relationship.

We keep the lines of communication open with our daughter and talk often about this. We tell her how much she has going for her and that she deserves so much better. Am I really naive to believe she'll be able to make the decision herself to end it, or should we be forcing the breakup???

Kaytee

I do not have a teenage daughter but dated the "bad boy"many times in high school.
I think forbiddig it is the wrong way to go it will most likely make her want to be with him more. But just allowing it is bad as well.
I would say that you need to have a swerious talk with her and explain her consenquences. Things like...if he gets pulled over and has pot in his car and she is with him that she can also get arrested and that for sure is not good. Then also say things like I am sure he has some great qualities about him but you really need to do what is best for you and not what is best for him. Make sure she knows that you trust her to make a good decision and see what happens.
Again I do not have a teenage daughter so I am winging this lol

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jeanne

Thanks for your feedback, Kaytee. Your suggestion is exactly how we have handled it so far. Lucky for us, he isn't driving yet, or we would be forbidding our daughter from being in his car with him. We just could not trust him to not drive while under the influence of marijuana. Our daughter says she often has a hard time telling if he is high. He knows she does not approve, so he doesn't tell her anything anymore about his useage. I guess you could say they have a "don't ask, don't tell" way of handling this issue. It makes her very unhappy! I hate to see her dealing with this and it is so hard to let her handle it herself!!

Kaytee

yay it has to be stressful for her. And you of course. I would hate for the peer pressure thing to kick in for her as well. I never felt pressured to do it but I am part of the few. Hopefully your daughter is as well

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If you can't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!
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HotScott

Hello, I'm new here, but I work as a youth counselor and hope to provide some useful advice for some folks on here.

In this case, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter and I believe that is often the best tool that you have and people have in general when it comes to confronting problems and issues with their kids. The trick is to utilize the relationship in the best way that you can, and good things will follow. I think forcing and forbidding are things that compromise the relationship at this point but I don't think it should be ruled out. Maybe share some of your experiences when you were young, some of the mistakes you may have made when you were her age. Use your relationship to communicate why you are concerned about her, be honest.

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aliinnc

Hi,
I have a DD who'll turn 16 this month. And she just recently broke up w/ a guy she dated for over a year. I did not like him at all.

Once he told me that he wanted to go to a certain college because STDs are so widespread there that one is named after the school. Lovely, huh?

So I really understand how you feel about this guy. I have a couple of suggestions. I think you're on the right track about forbidding her from seeing him - the forbidden can be quite seductive.

I like that you've talked to her about the consequences -like pot in car - but have you defined how that could affect her in real life. Like the kinds of jobs that would be off-limits, how every job application asks if you've ever been convicted, etc... At least they did last time I applied for a job but that's been a while. LOL

How everyone will find out - there is no keeping a secret today (if that would be a problem to her).

Also when he does or says something inappropriate (like above refenced STD comment) - use that as an opportunity to ask her what she thought when he did that. Try to help her see him as clearly as possible.

One other thing I did was make the boyfriend welcome in our house. Because I was much happier with them hanging out watching movies under my nose. Where I could keep an eye on him.

Good luck. I really feel for you; it's a miserable feeling as a parent. I'll be hoping that she dumps his sorry butt ASAP.
Ali