dad_of_son

Some of you know my history a bit, but there is more.
Today I got about 5 calls from the mrs. - son was refusing to get up to go to high school registration - eventually he did. Later she calls me telling me he lost the paperwork and check at the school and now she needs to leave the store to go back to the school to take care of it. Later she calls again - he took $20 from her purse to go to the store to get something to eat. He denied it at first, then admitted to it - but he lost the change. Later it was time to take our daughter to her practice, son refused to get in the car to go along - we left him at the house. After I pick up our daughter, I find out that our son asked to sleep over at a friends house and my wife allowed it. We discussed this regarding the $20 and not allowing him to spend the night - she said she needed a break from him and needs some peace and quiet - when the day goes like this she gets very stressed and has trouble eating. It sure gets me down - not sure if it is his behavior or the reporting of it that gets me down. Now he asks for a ride to his friends (10-15 minute walk) and we told him to walk since he refused to go with us earlier. So he called his friend to get a ride from his mother.

fallon

13 must be a hard age. They are trying to figure out what's going on with their own bodies, cope with the changes, and still fit in with the crowd. I understand that it must be really stressful for your wife to deal with a child that tells her no, steals, and lies to her. It makes sense that she would want some peace and quite but if the only way to get it is to let him go to a friends than I'm not sure the peace is worth the lesson that your son learned learned there. Basically now in his mind the way he behaved all day is OK because he can still go to his friends, have fun and do as he pleases. If there are no consequences for his actions they will continue, and they will elevate. I think there should be a serious price to pay for the things you described here. When I was 13 my parents felt like they couldn't trust me so they took the door off of my bedroom. I tell you what the message they were trying to get across came though loud and clear when not only did I have to stay home from my friends but there was no door room too.

Kaytee

I agree. If your wife needs peace and quiet, then ground him to his room (no tv, no rado, no video games ect...) There he can stay!!! Don't let him treat you or your wife this way

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dad_of_son

I forgot to mention something... regarding my first post when he was to come along with us, my wife had taken his video games and we were going to sell them at the game store - so that is probably part of the reason he didn't want to go, but it is the punishment. I've seen that door trick used in a movie - this is the first time I know if it actually happening to someone. Not sure if the door matches the crime in this case - but I'll keep it in mind.

fallon

well no, it probably wouldn't work here exactly but in other threads you mentioned some other trust issues. Did you sell his video games?

jtee

I don't want to be an arm chair parent, but the selling (or otherwise getting rid of) of a child's personal property is reserved for the most serious of offenses. Selling of a boy's video games is bound to escalate hostilities. I sure hope that this discussed in advance with him that if he choose to violate your rules, your wife would sell of his video games. I would think that the first step would be to lock up the games so he couldn't play them.

I speak from experience on this. Destroying\selling or otherwise getting rid of child's property as a form of punishment is ill advised and reserved for rare\extreme circumstances. Maybe a good example might be if a 16-17 year old is caught drinking and driving, and the parents decide to sell his car. There is a very direct connection between the two. But if you can't make a serious connection like that, I see it poring gas on a fire.

Kaytee

I agree for the most part. Unless your wife already said we are selling your games... then you have to follow through or he only learns that dad will stop mom from doing anything!

__________________

If you can't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!
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dad_of_son

I had similar thoughts as jtee - we haven't sold them yet - but they are locked up (at my work).
In the heat of the moment, I'm not sure what was said to him by my wife. I was thinking he may work it off by doing some hard labor in the back yard and working his way to getting the games back one at a time, but I do agree on following through with what was said. It wasn't discussed with him that if he steals from mom's purse what the consequence will be.

jtee

Stealing shouldn't be taken lightly. Can't give him a pass on it, but what is hard to judge is whether he perceived it has stealing at the time, or simply getting money to buy something to eat. Clearly at 13, he knew somekind of gray line was being crossed, even if his intent wasn't to steal anything.

I have known plenty of repsonsible adults who gave their parents 5 years of hell from 13-18. And I am talking about real borderline kids who got involved in drugs and legal intanglements. In the end, it was the kids who decided to turn their lives around, not the parents.

fallon

I think jtee is right. I know from experience (kind of) what he's saying about the kids who gave their parents 5 yrs of hell. I was never involved w/ breaking the law but under the right (I guess wrong) circumstances I probably could have been, and in the end it was me who decided to change. I'm not saying stop trying just show him the right way. As far as stealing you really can't back down. The yard work is a great idea. That's what my parents did when I screwed up, we had a big yard with lots of trees. They made me pick up sticks, stack wood, weed, all kinds of stuff that I hated. I think kids at that age don't see taking money from their parents as stealing. They know it's wrong but also I think they feel they have a "right" to the money. You should definitely make sure he understands what he did and make sure he has to "pay it back" some how.