PerplexedMom

I am a single Mom raising my only child (daughter) who hates the ground I walk on. Not sure when or how this happened. We have always been close until she hit 13! I know Moms, I've heard it from many...that' the magic age. Your daughter as you knew her suddenly becomes someone else. It's just been her and I for all of her life. Her Dad has been a presence, but no one she can count on. I have not really dated throughout the years because I didn't want her to feel like second fiddle. Financially, I have worked my *ss off to make sure that I could provide a good living for her. Of course, I spoiled her completely, she wants for nothing, gets everything you can imagine. Please don't lecture me on this one...I know I created this monster!! However, I am so scared that we will never get that closeness we once had again. She's a great kid and only shows me this side of her. It's very hurtful and I get the sense that she is very resentful of me for something...

I own my a business which has consumed my time through the years. I can accept that perhaps she resents me for this? Maybe she resents me because she has had no daily father in ther life? These types of questions I ponder daily!

She can hardly hold a conversation with me. It's so very difficult to deal with this. Please help!!!! What can I do to change this behavior in my daughter who I want back so dearly???? Will this be permanent? So far it has lasted two years....

Thanks for your responses!!!

etceterae

Firstly, stop blaming yourself in this matter! =] Especially in front of her, if you're doing such a thing.

It's just that at this age teens feel as if friends can relate to them better than their parents can, because their peers go through similar things. That's most likely the main reason behind the sudden quieting. She's probably not resentful (though if your intuition says quite vehemently that she is, look very deeply into what she might resent you for. It may be something rather silly and frivolous, but you should consider it); she just feels as if it's more difficult to relate to you. Right now teens explore relationships with their friends quite deeply, afraid to lose them through drama. The reason they sort of ignore the relationship with their parents during this time is because they feel as if the parent-kid relationship will last forever, so it's not necessary to be concerned about it. =]

That's how I felt about it for a long time until I slapped myself and really thought things over. Either way, good luck!

P.S. Ay, don't mention the financial slavery you had to go through! I know it's very tempting, but think about why you do it: out of love for her and consideration of her well-being. If you mention the financial work that you had to go through, it has the slight undertones that you're complaining that you love her - quite odd =]

PerplexedMom

etceterae:

I was just reviewing your blog when I realized your response. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for your insight! Your parents should be very proud of their teenager for offering his time and opinions to us parents!! Well done, my friend!! BTW, I don't bring up my hard work to her, but you have made me think deeper so I will ponder more and make sure. Your words are truly helpful to this teenager parent. Especially, the part about parent-kid relationship will last forever so that may be why she isn't concerned about it right now! WOW...I never thought about that! It gives me hope that I haven't lost her!! Thanks, bunches and good luck to you and your peers! What a great thing you are doing!!!!

etceterae

=] Thank you; I'm really glad my input helped! But truly, all I'm doing is offering my opinion on the matter; I believe you know best about whatever you and your daughter are going through, so your intuition is better than any advice I can give. Follow your feelings - just make sure you truly understand where they're coming from before you do anything =]

Once again, I must reiterate that I'm just offering help; you're the amazing one that actually has to raise a human being. It's tough, and I admire all parents, including you, for pulling through with adolescent children - we're all monsters =] Good luck, and I hope everything turns out well!

Good Wolf

This might not be of any immediate assistance to you but a lot of teens don't get along with their parents. (I'm good at stating the obvious)

It isn't until they hit their 20s and have experienced life outside of the home for a while that they can trully appreciate all their parents did for them.

My mom and I used to fight like cats and dogs. It wasn't until a got married, and had a kid that we connected. It took this for me to realize that my mom was no different from any other parent. She started off with a baby and did her best to be a good parent through out the years.

I got to know her as a person and not just my mom, and that is what really made in the difference in having a great relationship with her.

Hopefully your's will wise up before then but don't take it personally if she doesn't. I dread the teenage years, and hope I do half as well as the other parents I've met on this forum.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

__________________
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

AnKsMommy

I totally agree with GoodWolf. *Tried to give you some good rep but I gotta spread the love first*

As a teen I hated my mom. We were always fighting about something. It wasn't until I hit my 20s that I realized I was taking her for granted and she became not just my parent but my friend also.

I'm guessing you don't want to wait that long. I have a friend who is having some problems with her preteen daughter. What I told them might work would be a mother/daughter retreat or workshop. Doing something as a family when it's just you and her and you put everything else in life aside.

IF your friends with one of her friends mother's you can do it as a double too...that way if she's not willing to be separated from her friends she'll have one here. One thing I loved was whenever I had to go somewhere with my parents and I was allowed to bring a friend. My friends talking with my parents made me more willing to talk to them. You have to be interactive with them in their friends sometimes

What the teen posted on that website is what I was thinking too at that age. You just have to interact with them the right way.

__________________
Ali - Mommy to Alenya and Kaitlyn

Aunt

when I was 15 i was a total little b. But I grew out of it. Eventually in my 20s when I came across young ppl who had tuly had it tough I became aware that my parents were not imbiciles and that i had been really lucky. She hates you because she can. You are kind of her soft place to fall.
With this in mind all you can do is set limits on her behavior and not let her be too rude and enforce reasonable rules. Do your best to pick your battles and ignore what you can. Try to remember that this too shall pass.

You mentioned you spoil her. One thing you can do is get her a part time job for a few hours. Don't make it about punishment just about teaching a work ethic. She may find she loves the independence earning some of her own money brings.
Be kind to yourself. It is not easy doing the single parent thing

Tazza

Hi Perplexed Mom,
Reading your story bought back so many memories for me, really sad times for me too, when my daughter reached 11 times changed and the little girl I knew had gone. I felt the hatred too and yes I too spoiled her, I wanted my daughter to be happy, to never want for anything and to be her best friend. She turned into a run away, everyday I worried that she wouldn't get off the school bus, and so many times she didn't. I was horrified to find out that as a parent I had no rights in the eyes of the law even though we had friends in the police force.
I really feel for you, we moved to Mildura to give my Daughter a second chance as she had made so many enemies at school. This was the worst move of my life.
She knew she had me under her thumb and one day when she was 14 she kissed me goodbye before school along with her baby brothers and didn't come home. The horror that followed I really don't want to scare you, I didn't sleep for the blame I put on myself. Please it's a teenage thing, really it is just them trying to push the boundaries and finding themselves.
For 2 yrs I cried and morned the loss of my baby girl, who had moved into a house where she was allowed to do what she wanted. The mother of her friend was heavily into drugs, a path my daughter took too.
I don't want to go too much into detail as all teens are different and I really don't want to scare you too much.
She is now 18 and a half and I ring her daily she apologizes for all the problems she caused, I told her it is all ok, she asked if she could come home and I have told her she knows she has always been welcome as on many occasions I have told her the same thing.
I really hope things work out, the early teens were definitely the worst time of my life.
My daughter will be home Tuesday hopefully she's grown up alot.

I wish you all the strength you need and if you need to talk I will always be here.

Take Care Always
Tazza

nykid

As long as you act more like a friend, and less like "the big guy in charge", she will start to like you more. Start to really observe how she acts. What tv shows she watches, what music she listens too, how happy she looks with her friends, what her favorite activities too. If you are prying about her life too much, I would recommend stopping. Share information about yourself. Embarassing, funny, entertaining stories that she could relate to and would find funny. If they are about relationships and ex boyfriends or girlfriends, she will probably find it interesting to hear about what you were like when you were her age. You should try surprising her every now and then with things that show you care and actually know her. Don't make her ask for something. If she has pictures all over her wall of a band, buy her tickets to one of their shows. Say, "I know how much you like (insert artist here), so i thought maybe you would want to see them perform with a couple friends?" Trust me, she will be happy. BTW its really not your fault. Kids my age don't trust our parents enough because we just can't relate. if you act a little less mature and uptight around her, i'm sure she will losen up as well.

Aunt

the fine line between friendly and friend is tricky. Afterall it is usually your friends who encourage you to enter drinking contests, date the bad boys and otherwise do stupid stuff. Parents are there to stop some of that LOL
I would try not to pry too much as kids do deserve some privacy but I would take an interest in what she listens to and watches. It makes a good conversation starter as well as exposing you to her world.