Parents Forum

Kokapetl · 07-28-2008, 09:54 AM

I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I can tell you that a year ago, when I was your daughter's age, I would not have behaved like that to my siblings, even. Although my parents weren’t young when they had me, they’re very liberal and have always treated me as an adult and a friend. But they had one trick that I don't see other parents use enough (in my opinion): guilt. Simple questions like, "Do I speak like that to you?", "Why did you say that?", "How do you think that made me feel?" work wonders. I don't know how you speak to her, but if you were shocked enough to slap her when she told you to f*ck off, I think it's safe to assume that you do not speak to her with the lack of respect that she speaks to you.

If you want to correct your daughter’s behaviour without treating her like a child, I suggest this method:
Use guilt. Everytime she sasses or backtalks, remind her that you care about her, and her behaviour has a consequence on your feelings. Tell her that if she loves you, she wouldn’t do things like this, or speak to you in a way that’s disrespectful.
I agree that you should set some more boundaries (not too many, because I don't think she'll react well to you switching too quickly and too harshly from "cool dad" to "firm dad"), but not just because you’re her father – because you’re a person she cares about. I appreciate you’ve been a friend rather than a father most of her life, but that’s not an excuse – she shouldn’t treat her friends this way.
I believe that if you have a close relationship with someone, be they parent or peer, you owe it to that person to treat them with respect, kindness, and consideration.
This isn’t just about her not respecting you as a parent, this is about her not respecting you as a person.

As for the slapping, admit that it was wrong, but do not give her the moral high-ground. If she brings it up, apologise, but remind her that you’re human, anger is a human emotion, and sometimes we all do things in the heat of the moment that we regret.

If she is mature, she will take this on board and not do things that hurt you.

Good luck.

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