alticedad

Hi- I'm "new" here. I've been lurking for a long time but I finally made myself an account because I really need some advice!

Background: I'm a young dad, I had my beautiful girl at age 16, I don't regret it at all and I love her to pieces. Her mother is not in the picture. She ran off when my daughter was 3 and we have not seen her since so it's just been me and S for as long as she can remember. She is a very smart girl- she has been salutatorian of her class since the 9th grade. She is sweet and caring and I am extremely proud of her. I don't know how well it translates over the Internet but I really do love her more than she will ever know.

The problem is that I realize that I have never been quite a father figure to her as a friend. I've always tried to be the "cool dad" and now it's all coming to bite me in the ass.

She doesn't actually do anything "bad" like smoke or drink or party, she is very mature, but she has a major problem with sassing and backtalking me and it is absolutely driving me insane. It's like I try to treat her like an adult and she treats me like one of her classmates.

So the big thing is that a few nights ago, we had a huge argument and she ended up telling me to "f*ck off." I was so angry with her that I momentarily lost it and slapped her in the face. I've never hit her before in my life. It's just that all those things that she has been saying to me these past few months just built up and came out right at that moment. Immediately I started apologizing to her. She started to cry but then she got up and walked away from me, not even saying a word.

I'm only a few years older than her, I totally understand how frustrating it is with parents, but now I don't know what to do. We had a chat after the night I hit her so I thought we were getting better but she is still acting the same way towards me.

One time, she said "At least I didn't get someone knocked up at age 16" and I NEVER want to hear that again. I know I made mistakes in the past, but how do I correct my daughter's behavior without making her feel like she is being treated like a child?

fallon

treat her like a child...I'm sorry but that what she is. She has no business talking to you like that and I hope for you it isn't to late to fix this. Your daughter needs structure and boundaries. It's wonderful that she has achieved so much and it sounds like she is a great girl who you love very much. She needs to respect you though, you've earned it and it's time you let her know that.

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Teresa

I'm raising my third teenager at this point, and my second daughter. I totally agree with Fallon....she's still a child in a lot of ways, even though she would like to think otherwise. But I also have to say that the attitude you describe is fairly typical of that age group. They're working at becoming independent of their parents, at becoming adults, so they are testing their boundaries again, just as they did when they were toddlers. Just let her know EXACTLY where the boundaries are, and be consistent with them.

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Claire64

I completely agree with Fallon and Teresa. Now is the time to show her that you are the parent and she needs to respect you. Discuss with her what you expect from her and be consistent when she doesn't respect the boundaries you have set.

Momof12

Fallon Nailed it she is Child take it from a Mom who has these ages of teens 19,16,13 ( I also have 26,24,21) there are younger ones as well 11,8,6,3 and 10 months I have never had any of them ever cuss at me. I think if fine if you want your kids to like you but if you never laid boundaries,structure and consiquences. Then you will have this type of fall out. I wish you luck but just remember that they dont have to like you and do not have to be thier friend.


Gina

PS my adult kids joke today and are grateful for the old school up bringing. I am sure with her being such a well adjust daughter she will see in the end its the best thing for her.

CapriSun

You need to be a more supportive idolizing father figure, and less of a friend. I am sorry to say but it sounds like she needs a father more then a friend

coloradoparent

The first thing I think you should do is to put the slapping incident behind you and not allow her to use it against you to make you feel guilty.

Next, I would (like the others above me have said) work on establishing a father-daughter relationship, instead of a friendship. She needs to have well defined limits and boundaries and also needs to know what the consequences will be when she does not comply.

I commend you for hanging in there. Keep doing so.

AmyBelle

I grew up with a single dad and it was a similar friendship rather than parent relationship.

The problem is, she's a teenager, she's grown up all these years thinking that youre her buddy, so she treats you the exact same way she treats her friends, even if that includes the swearing and lashing out. Im just going off my expereince in the child role of this, but I think "laying down the law" and introducing boundaries on a one-sided thing now will get you nowhere. She dosent see you as a parental figure, and shes now at an age where its too late to introduce that. I think you need to sit down together and work out where these boundaries lie the way you would with two adults, explain to her why you lost her temper and hit her and explain why you feel that she should not be saying such things the way you would with an adult, also allowing her to have input, it will be much more productive. Youve already elevated her to adult status, you cant take that back now, you can amend it, but you cant remove it, it wont work.

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collegeboundcoa

I think that the problem is deeper than you know. She maybe experiencing some abandonment issues surrounding her mother. Guess what? She is taking it out on you. You can try all of the suggestions already given. If it were me, I would look at both individual and family counseling. The individual can be for her to sort out her issues, and the family is for the both of you to work on communication and relationships. Sometimes when we can not fix things, we need to consult the experts.

Aunt

I think she does need some firmer boundaries particularly since she is lashing out, but i dont know given the way things have always been done if just laying down the law is the way to go as it is a very sharp contrast to the extremely lazzai faire approach that you have taken.
I would not allow the spiteful comments just as I would not tolerate them from a friend. So I would definitely penalize such behavior on principal. But rather than bottle things up I would address each incident. If she says something a little on the borderline Id firmly remind her to watch her mouth, if she crosses the line I would penalize it.

One technique that I have come up (after some reading with in parenting my niece is to negotiate the rules together and then when she breaks them she knows what the penalty is. Obviously the adult is the one in the drivers seat of the initial negotiation but it helps if the kid feels they have a seat at the table.