Parents Forum

magnificent · 07-06-2007, 11:40 PM

My son is easily the most intelligent kid I've ever met, he is socially fit, mentally fit, physically fit, has decent grades in school, he is fifteen now. He has a few "flaws", those being:

He ingests tetrahydrocannibol on a regular basis.
He takes lysergic acid diethylamide and psilocybe mushrooms sometimes.

Those, those right there, are the only things a regular, average Joe may conceive as wrong that he engages in. But honestly, the goods outweigh the bads here. He plays guitar, draws, writes on a regular basis. His principal refers to him and his older brother as "the two most amazingly intelligent people he has ever come across".

Now, I've only recently found out about this, but I've suspected he has done drugs for a long time, and he recently confirmed this and basically blew my mind with how well he could handle it. I've personally only experimented with drugs briefly, shortly after high school I took various quantities of psilocybe mushrooms and LSD with my friends. I found them entertaining, but they weren't anything I've found to be detrimental to my life.

Honestly, I'm not sure I don't don't condone the use of drugs, because never once has he ever gotten in trouble with the law for it (or anything else, for that matter), I didn't actually find out in any bad way, one day he actually came up to me and told me, "Dad, I'm going to be honest with you here, I do drugs, and I don't plan on stopping no matter what you tell me, but I'm going to request these things: I want to know you can have my back on the issue, I want to know you can come pick me up if I stop having fun, and I want to know you can talk to me about it and not be shady."

Right now, I've got two options: I could attempt to force him to stop and in turn eliminate all chances of a trusting, honest relationship between us, or I could help him not overcome, but reinforce the fact that he has complete control over it. Now take it from me, I don't want him taking coke or MDMA or amphetamines (Ritalin, Adderal, methamphetamine) or opiates, but I have a vast knowledge on drugs, and apparently so does he, so I'm actually thinking he, with my help, of course, could control the substance abuse and make sure he stays safe.

Now if we're concerned with the legality of LSD, psilocybe, and marijuana, these substances are all controlled for either unjust, or outdated reasons. With these biased, quite often wrongful reasons for the prohibition on most narcotics, I'd like to make it known that I've no regard for the legality of the substances.

I would like some, not so much advice, but I want to have an intelligent discussion about kids who straight up are just intelligent, mature, and capable of handling a life of substance abuse.

Tom · 07-07-2007, 03:47 AM

There are lots of extremely intelligent people who have substance abuse problems. I wouldn't consider that a panacea with regards to substance abuse impact. Your kid is 15 - yeah he can probably handle the drugs right now without a lot of evident drawbacks. There's a good chance it'll be a different story if he continues to use and you're faced with the same question at 30. Are there people who can "handle" a life-long drug use habit without significantly negatively impacting their lives? I suppose it's possible but I haven't met one. Actually I take that back - I have met a few responsible occasional drinkers. I have met many people who are in denial and would tell you their lives haven't been impacted.

You should consider yourself lucky that you became uninterested with drugs and walked away. What if the outcome is not the same for your son?

I agree that your options may be limited but I think you have more than 2 options if you do come to the decision that this is behavior you think your son would be better without (at least eventually). I would have a couple long discussions about addiction and try to make him understand how it can sneak up on him. Try to make him understand that the behavior that is innocuous today could possibly be extremely harmful if continued in to later life. (Does he want to be high dad? Does he want to be high husband?) If he's lucky he will also get bored with drugs and walk away and if so, you don't have a problem.

You say "never once has he gotten in to any trouble" - project that over the next 15 years should his behavior continue and the situation might not be the same. Statistics aside, for example by that time he may have more difficulty finding a dealer when he's out of high school or college and he might resort to more risky behavior to try to score. In any case, life will be much different for him than it is now and that is really something you should consider. Alcohol and drugs are a slippery slope at that age because the negative impacts in many ways are low at that time - but you're also (possibly) building a dependancy that will continue in to later life, when that situation could (should) be vastly different.

The war on drugs seems to be a total failure so I'm not sure drugs shouldn't be legalized. However that doesn't at all affect my stance on whether I would want a child of mine using them.

Kaytee · 07-07-2007, 06:21 AM

I won't repeat most of what Tom saaid, but I whole heartidly agree with him.
What will you do when you get a phone call at 2 in the morning, that your 17 year old was in a bad accident and they don' know if he will survive? He was doped up on LSD and ran off a bridge. Or he was getting something from a dealer and the wrong guy saw him and shoots him. God I hope nothing happens to your son, but... not a chance I would take with my childs life. No matter how well they "SEEMED" to handle things. Imagine if he wasn't on drugs, he would be taht much smarter then he is now.

SageMother · 07-08-2007, 10:49 AM

If you see no harm...then do not act.

The issue I would have would be his being under my roof and my being sent to jail because of his behavior....all my issues are legal issues.

Projecting several years out doesn't do much but instill fear where they may be no need. In your shoes I would deal with now and the years between now and his living on his own, and that is all I would consider. My goal would be to keep him moving toward his adulthood and not trying to determine what his adulthood should look like. It is his and his alone.

Tom · 07-08-2007, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SageMother

Projecting several years out doesn't do much but instill fear where they may be no need

Agreed to an extent - there may be no problem in the future but it's pretty much a crap shoot. At that age I felt invincible and had no idea how much of a problem substance abuse could cause later on in life. I think the parent should have several serious talks with the child if they're starting to use and be made aware as possible of potential outcomes of the behavior.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SageMother

...not trying to determine what his adulthood should look like. It is his and his alone.

How far do you carry that concept? Should you never try to educate your kids about and/or steer your kids away from what you believe is wrong/trouble because their decisions are "theirs alone"?

By the way I'm not anti-drug just like I'm not anti-fire but I think people need to be aware of the potential hazards when playing with either. At such a young age it's too easy to be very ignorant about that kind of thing.

TAR · 07-08-2007, 06:57 PM

Well, I have to say it does not matter how intelligent you are anyone can have a substance abuse problem.

My Brother he is very intelligent That is not the problem. He has always been very smart. He started smoking pot when he was in I think high school. He still had high grades and tests and did exceptional in school, all his teachers said so and the principal too. When he got a job when he was almost done with high school, he worked with a few people who sold other drugs, So they let him try for free those drugs (I believe Cocaine could be more??) well he tried and they kept letting him try till you know what they weren't letting him try anymore but by than he was already hooked (ya you think this smart guy didn't see it coming, but that's all the situation someone needs to be put in) he didn't want to be hooked nor did any of my family think he would ever try and get hooked on those kind of drugs. But needless to say he did and today he is now 27 years old and it has pretty much ruined his life, and caused my family a lot of pain.

My mom never did say much about the smoking pot and how dissapoined she was with it (and she was, she did not approve of drug use, she figured she tried it in high school and college and she's fine and he would be no different).

I can't tell you that you should tell him to stop because he probably won't, and he may never end up with a substance abuse problem. I just wanted to say drugs don't care how smart someone is, My brother isn't the only very intelligent person I've know that got sucked into drugs. I just want to say good luck and I hope a substance abuse problem never becomes an issue to any of your families......

Kaytee · 07-08-2007, 08:47 PM

well said

SageMother · 07-09-2007, 01:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tom

Agreed to an extent - there may be no problem in the future but it's pretty much a crap shoot. At that age I felt invincible and had no idea how much of a problem substance abuse could cause later on in life. I think the parent should have several serious talks with the child if they're starting to use and be made aware as possible of potential outcomes of the behavior.

How far do you carry that concept? Should you never try to educate your kids about and/or steer your kids away from what you believe is wrong/trouble because their decisions are "theirs alone"?

By the way I'm not anti-drug just like I'm not anti-fire but I think people need to be aware of the potential hazards when playing with either. At such a young age it's too easy to be very ignorant about that kind of thing.

Each person can determine for themselves what their limits are. I stated my limits, not everyone elses.

Tom · 07-09-2007, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SageMother

Each person can determine for themselves what their limits are. I stated my limits, not everyone elses.

I was asking for your limits - not everyone else's. Since you said your position is that the parent should be "not trying to determine what his adulthood should look like. It is his and his alone." I'm asking how far do you take that concept? I think in other words, how much do you guide your kids vs. allowing them to completely make their own decisions?

What if the child (who is responsible, smart, hard-working, etc.) states that he wants to try shooting heroin? Is that situation different?

I'm trying to understand your position and my mind is open.

Kaytee · 07-09-2007, 08:09 AM

I understand what you mean Tom. I think yo are right we all have limits. Believe me Nichole will be free to do what she wants within my limits. She will be in some serious trouble if I caught her doing drugs and alcohol. No matter how good in school she was doing at the time. We all have limits, just some are higher and some are lower.

Edited to add, that goes in with a lot of other parenting things. Expectation: is it ok for a 7th grader to come home with a C in Math. Some may say yes that is fine. Others would say "no, we need to figure out what is causing this and get that grade to at least a B"

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