Scoutmander

Hi,
This is my very first post here I'm searching for advice on a problem that my son is having at school.
Here's the background:
He plays in the marching band at school. He's 14 and in 9th grade. He has an expensive trumpet and during band camp it was damaged, we believe on purpose but can't be proven. $170.00 to fix it so far. Since school started in August, he has been picked on, his trumpet has been hidden from him, caps and slides have been taken off it. All of this has taken place during regular class hours in orchestra class. Two seniors (and a couple of underclassmen) are responsible for the bullying. 2 Fridays ago, someone stole his bookbag and stuff out of it during band class. They put salt in his trumpet. The two seniors grabbed him by the waist and the legs and tried to lock him in a tuba case. They were unsuccessful at that because my son grabbed valve oil and shot them in the face. They dropped him to the floor and started stepping on him. He had many bruises on his legs, not really bad bruises (only one of those) and stepped on his ankle and hurt his ankle. Luckily, he tasted the salt and didn't inhale it ( I was told that if he had of inhaled it, it could have caused tissue damage to his lungs and possibly pneumonia). We took him to the doctor for an illness and while we were there had these bruises documented. The Dr. said it was time to call the police in. This all happened within 30 minutes of class beginning. The instructor was in his office at the time and unaware that any of this had taken place. When I went to the band director (I went a few times before about the trumpet damage and horseplay that was going on), he called some of these students out and talked with them. After hearing about the tuba case incident I was really angry and went to him again. I informed him that I would be going to the principal on Monday. Well, I did. The only thing that has happened to these boys is they were given a "talking to" by the principal, a parent was called in for a conference - and that's it. These boys admitted to putting their hands on my son. One of the boys involved is a student leader in the trumpet section of the Marching Band. I requested that he be demoted because he obviously can't handle the maturity level that goes along with that position - nothing was done at all. Now, my son and I are being ostracized by the band members and their parents. One boy's parent is the secretary for the band booster club and swears that he is innocent. I'm in South Carolina and we do have a bullying law here in this state that addressess this kind of harrassment to the person and their property.
Ok, so now - today - there has been a special practice called after school for the trumpets and all brass instruments. This practice was called by a student leader - not by the teacher. The teacher is aware of the practice though. I've emailed the teacher and called and left a voice mail wanting to know if he or any other adult was going to be at the school today to supervise these kids. I'm not too keen on sending my son in there with these bullies and no adults around. Well, as I'm writing this I've still not gotten a response to my question. With these special practices, if you don't show up then privileges can be taken away. I and my son realize the importance of showing up for this, but like I said I'm very wary of sending him without knowing for sure. I would hope that these boys wouldn't do something stupid, but I only have the past to judge them on right now.

I've never been in a situation like this before and don't want to come across as a "hovering mother" - even though he's my responsbility until he's of age. I don't want to seperate him from the group but I'm just not sure if I should let him go without knowing for sure. Last year, a special practice was called and the kids were there (on the practice field outside) by themselves for 2 hours.

So, what do you think I should do? It really has let me down to know that these kids are not made to take responsibility for their actions and I'm very angry about this situation. It has let me down to know that I've tried to address this situation since August 10th and have completely ingnored. If someone would have listened to me and tried to help we probably wouldn't have gotten to this point. I don't want my anger to cloud my judgement though.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
Tammy

FooserX

I say you do two things:

1 - Let him continue with band and next time, don't go to the principal....go to the police. Once the kids touch your son, I'm sure there are legal actions to take. The bullies and their parents will think twice once cops come, no?

2 - Don't let other parents get to you. That's normal...you just have to be strong because you're doing the right thing. Parents will always back their kids, even when the kids are rotten. I know it's tough though....you're doing a great job hanging in there. It's hard when you feel like the world is against you....but this is when it's time to shine.

3 - Enroll your son in a self defense class. Not karate...but a serious mixed martial arts class. Get him exercising and working out to build muscle and confidence. The results won't be immediate, but in 6 months to a year, he should be much more confident and I doubt bullies will see him as such an easy target. He will be a physical challenge to them. Think of it as an investment. The pranks and bullying you described sound like ones I witnessed in High School....and they were always to the kids who were weak and dorks. There's no cure...they were always targets because they were easy. It was almost like they accepted their role as victims.

fallon

My, My, this is what scares me the most about school. I'm sorry you and your boy are going through this. If there is no way for him to change schools then I think I would be calling in the police. That kind of violence can only escalate if nobody is taking proper care of the situation

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fallon

I think I like foosers advice better
*runs and hides*

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Scoutmander

Thank you so much for your feedback. Yeah, I told him he needed to enroll in something like that after this band season is over. I hope he takes me up on that. He's about 5'3" and 135 lbs. Not too small, but compared to some others he's way small. He's just not a rough-rousher like some boys are because he's an only child. I was a tom-boy when I was younger so I'm more used to that type of behavior.

It has been really hard being an outcast with this group. Not that I like too many of them anyway...but I always played "nice" with them. Thanks for saying that I was doing the right thing because they have actually had me thinking that I wasn't doing the right thing.

Tammy

Scoutmander

I agree with you Fallon. It has been a real eye-opener for us too. Middle school was rough because all the crazy hormones, but he managed to escape that drama. I really thought high school would be better but now not so sure. He's never been in any kind of trouble at all and he is the biggest rule follower you would ever want to meet LOL. He's always looked up to this senior/student leader and has really left him bewildered by it all. We just had a band student expelled for writing threatening letters (columbine style). I'm like "what is up with these band kids?"

Thanks,
Tammy

Tau

I was bullied a lot when I was young. I remember begging my mom just to leave it alone because I didn't want it to get worse. I wish my mom hadn't listened to me.

As a mom now, I won't stand for it with my kids. When my eldest was bullied once at school - we went straight to the principal and demanded action.

Fortunately, our school system has a zero tolerance policy - so we were very pleased with how the whole mess was handled. Now my DS's bully is a polite acquaintance with my son because of the right type of intervention.

That said, if the school had been less than cooperative, I would have been in there requiring action instead of asking for it. If the school doesn't respond appropriately, go up the chain of command.

For material damage to the trumpet - Id take the parents to small claims court. For physical assault - I third going to the police.

These kids aren't the only problem. The school is negligent and so are the parents, and as such, they need to be held accountable as well.

If I've learned anything, its that most people will only retaliate twice. Once they are aware of what the real consequences are, they will back off because messing with you or your son is more trouble than its worth.

I try to be flexible about most things in my life - but this is one area that I just get really hard core.

FooserX

Great thoughts Tau.

fallon

bullies are scary as far as I am concerned, any child or adult that takes pleasure in somebody elses pain is just sick

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Kaytee

I'm with everyone else and have nothing to really add of worth to the thread. I do hope that bullying stops and soon so your son does not have long lasting effects from it.

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