TammyZed

I really, really don't like my son's boyfriend, and I think I'm figuring out why.

Some background: Morgan has been seeing this guy called Heshi on and off for a little over a year. He confessed to being sexually active when I asked him about it, but assured me he's been using protection. I have never liked Heshi, but until recently it's been just a gut feeling based on seeing them interact.

When they're together, Heshi seems to always be holding onto Morgan. He uses a lot of possessive pronouns (ie. "my Morgan"), and will often override Morgan's decisions, right down to small details. For example, if Morgan goes shopping and Heshi doesn't like, say, a shirt, Morgan will return the purchase. This bothers me quite a lot, especially because Morgan is usually a very independent person.

Still, I was giving Heshi the benefit of doubt. Morgan seems pretty infatuated with him, and he's still stubborn when it comes to me, so I know that whatever I say is going to fall on deaf ears.

Then, earlier today, I had to ask Morgan a question, so I knocked on his bedroom door. He opened it for me while he still didn't have a shirt on, and then threw a sweater on quickly, but I saw what I think he was trying to hide. He had bruises on his arm and his back. They definitely don't look like the sort of bruises that you get accidentally.

So now I'm freaking out. I have NO clue how to bring this up with Morgan without him getting defensive, but I can't say nothing. I'm almost positive that it's from Heshi, and it kills me that my son would put up with any kind of abuse. I have no clue where to start with this.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

TammyZed

I'm even more worried now than before.

It was just Morgan and me for dinner today, and I got a chance to see the bruises on his arm better. He only agreed to show me them because I pointed out the bottom part of the bruise under his sleeve, and he pulled it up so that I could see the rest of it. There's a big, oval bruise close to his shoulder, and then what appears to be a very dark grip mark? It looks like he was grabbed by the arm and yanked very forcefully. I asked him how he got it and he told me that it was from his best friend while they were horsing around, but his best friend is barely five feet tall, and I don't even think she has the strength required to leave a mark like that. That's a half-assed excuse if I ever heard one. I wanted to ask about the bruises on his back, but he shut down the conversation and asked to be excused. I let him go, and he's been really quiet ever since.

I don't want to push him too hard. Morgan tends to regard a lot of parental concern as an invasion of privacy, and I think that having a major meltdown over me asking about the bruises in the first place isn't going to help in figuring out how and why they're there.

Are there any subtle questions I should be asking him? He's throwing up roadblocks every time we get even close to the subject now, and I'm worried that something is Very Wrong.

I've thought about talking to his friends, or going through his web history, but invading his privacy seems like the last thing I should be doing. I want him to trust me enough to be honest and tell me what's going on.

I'm just lost and not sure how to deal with this. My hubby suggests I might be projecting my own dislike for Heshi onto this, and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing because I'd like to see them break up. It's possible, but somehow I don't think so...

At least typing this out has calmed me down somewhat.

fallon

I'm sorry you guys are going through this...I can say the excuse he gave you saounds a lot like what I would tell my mom about the marks my ex left on my...only I usually blames them on the baby or something like that. I would keep on eye onthis and try to be open to anything he wants to tell you. I wish I had more advice for you

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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

musicmom

You and I parent different. In my house there are no privacy's. There would be no shutting down conversation. There would be no excusing him from the table. It would be I want to know and I want to know NOW. So I don't think I have any suggestions you'd like to hear. Since your son doesn't want to tell you anything and you are allowing him to keep quiet then there isn't much you can do.
Give him information on abuse.
Also if your son is sexually active it may not be from horseplay but rough sex. Just a thought. Good luck and I hope you communicate somehow.

jrrsmom

I think you need to get to the bottom of it NOW. If I ever thought my child was being abused by anyone I would be doing whatever I could to get it out of them. Especially if that meant forbidding them to see each other until you are satisfied with an answer. Talk to him. Don't talk down to him and don't talk to him like he's 5. You need to get him to tell you.

Imagine the amount of psychological problems this could cause if it goes on any longer; if it hasn't already created some. He is still your child.

AnKsMommy

I agree, even if you want to respect your son's privacy there comes a point where you have to jump in. If you think there is some abuse going on then that's the time. He's still a minor, right? So hes still got to follow by your rules.

It'll be a hard talk, but you'll have to sit him down and talk to him about it. I would suggest sooner rather than later, because if he's getting abused you never know how far his boyfriend will take it.

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Ali - Mommy to Alenya and Kaitlyn

KRan7

There are some different views on the privacy of teenagers in the home. Some parents refuse to look at their kids text messages or IM's and emails. You can decide for yourself, but there are some great programs out there that allow you to view what your teen is putting on social websites and all their email and IM. One of those is called spectorsoft. This would give you some information, and I say it's fair to let your teen know that you are going to put that software on your computer--it keeps you from lying about where you got information.
The bigger problem though is that he isn't feeling comfortable talking with you right now. There are a couple things that might be useful. One is to "slip" him some information on domestic violence. With a teen you can't really say, here is a book, read it and come and discuss it, leave info around and let him gravitate to it.
If you are sure that is what is going on you could try and get him to do some volunteering with domestic violence groups so he gets more information.
I think you will do better getting information from him if you take a one down approach, let him know you are worried, but then tell him to come and talk if he needs some help dealing with the situation. Generally, they will appreciate this invitation and the choice to bring it up.
Good luck!
Last, I would say to be careful of the assumption that it is domestic violence or abuse from the other boy, it could be that he is getting hurt by people who don't agree with homosexuality.

aliinnc

From what I've read, abuse doesn't get better, only worse. So you really need to intervene. Can you contact an abuse hotline for some tips? Or a gay support hotline?

Ali

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the other Ali
JujuParent

Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson

KRan7

I would agree that you get information from some experts on abuse, they may give you some tips, and your son may be open to talk to them himself.

As a cautionary note, this is a very emotional issue and responding out of pure emotion (fear, anger, etc) usually doesn't bring the best results. It sounds like your husband is a little less emotional and it makes sense to talk with him and come to a balanced decision on what to do.

Amber

Good point.

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Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail