Jennlynn

Hi. I'm new here, although I've been lurking for a while.
I have a 14 year old daughter who has become very rude and sassy. Mostly towards me. It's gotten worse the last few months. She was enrolled in gymnastics for a few years and now that she is in high school decided that she wanted to try out for the performance team (cheer and tumbling). She was told that she couldn't do both. She made the team and practices start in June. 2 weeks ago we got into an argument and she said things like "you're being retarded". It escalated to the point where she threw some things at me. I told her that she was done with gymnastics. Of course she said "fine, I don't care". Then as I was leaving her room she said "You're such a f@#*ing b*#ch!" I went over to her and tried to slap her, but didn't make much contact. She hasn't spoken to me since, other than to beg to go to gymnastics (through texting, not in person). She doesn't seem to think she did anything wrong. She tells me that I'm the one treating her bad. Grrrr.
Any words of wisdom for me?

FooserX

Why was she told in the first place that she couldn't do cheer and tumbling?

And if she was told she couldn't, why did she make the team?

Are there any dynamics in the family that cause her to be like this? Like...do you or your husband cuss and treat each other with disrespect?

You said you tried to hit her - obviously there is no respect there, and you can't be surprised that she called you a name after you tried to hit her.

It sounds to me like you have a ton of things going on - so it's hard to give advice when there are so many unanswered questions.

Music-dad

Foos...

she made the team, got mad at mom, threw something at mom, and mom cancelled gymnastics.

Jennlynn

We told her that if she did the performance team she couldn't do gymnastics also. She had to choose between the 2. She chose the performance team. So she was going to have to quit gymnastics anyway. She's mad because she didn't get to go for one last month.

No, we don't cuss and treat each other with disrespect.

I only tried to slap her AFTER she swore at me. I have NEVER hit her before.

FooserX

Oh.

I would end the whole backtalking bit yesterday.

First off, apologize for trying to slap her. Explain to her that you let your emotions get the best of you, and you don't want to do that and feel horrible for it. Usually in conflict...it really helps with both parties make concessions. She'll feel better knowing that you are trying to see things her way.

Then, discuss what is, and isn't acceptable behavior. Obviously, calling someone retarded or "f3$3ng b#$" isn't acceptable.

I would let her know that one more outburst of disrespect will automatically result in you talking to the performance coach. Usually they will work together with parents when it comes to kids not behaving or getting good grades. If she repeats it, then no more performance team...easy.

That should show her that you're in charge, and she can't get away with acting like that. You don't want to bully her, or come across like you're a prison warden, but you do want to assert yourself and let her know that her actions will have consequences.

Good luck!

Cthru

It's only the beginning They are total monsters when they hit high school I swear. I'm still hoping it will even out soon. I have 2 of them - twin 15yr old girls (one very into cheer and tumbling as well).

I think if you give in now you're making it worse for yourself in the long run. You have to stick to your guns on this. It's hard, I know.

etceterae

Since things can become confusing when written, I'll say beforehand that if I sound like I'm criticizing you, I'm really not. =]

14-year-olds have a profound lack of tact. We can say the phrase "You're being retarded" to our friends (just as tactless), and not get an extremely negative emotion. So out of extention, she believes that she can do the same thing to you (call you retarded). In the heat of the moment, she most likely didn't think that things would significantly worsen from there.

As for why she called you an effing natch, it's because you hurt her by making her quit gymnastics early, or making her choose between performance/gmstcs (incidentally, why did you do that? If it's because she can't balance it all, I'm not so sure, because at one point I was in private piano classes which made me practice 1.5 hours a day, singing classes, dance classes, writing classes, college prep, speech club, and art classes at the same time. =] And I didn't die, lol.) So because you hurt her so badly, she decided to hurt you very badly, which gives her a profound sense of empowerment because she has so much control over your emotions.

Once, I called my mom a nasty name. She elegantly finished her tea and said, "Why, thank you - I don't think I've ever been called that before," and calmly walked out of the room. It pissed me off and made me feel petty for trying to hurt her. I suggest trying this out. =] And as you have noticed, your daughter somewhat used this tactic against you when she said that "she didn't care" when you told her there was no more gmstcs. However, she probably didn't hold her emotions in very well, ending up in her calling you a not-so-savory name.

Basically, the reason your daughter doesn't feel she's done anything wrong is mainly because she feels that YOU started the whole mess by hurting her, so she was simply hurting you back (the "right" thing to do).

I hope this helped, though I should state that everything I wrote might be incorrect depending on other messes you guys have gotten into before then, which could have affected this particular argument. PM me if you need more info. =]

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