robi0413

Hey, I'm new to this Forum, but I've began searching up parenting information for my ex's brother. Its kind of a complicated situation, but basically this man ( Lets call him.. Frank ) Frank has a 13 year old daughter named ( lets call her Lisa ) Lisa. She hasn't got her period yet, and when school started, I realised that he has taken no interest in realising that his daughter is growing up.

Frank is a single dad, Age 36 with no job, EVER. His parents are divorced, his father lives with me and my Ex, and his mother lives in the same building as me but on the other side. The grandmother of this girl Lisa had two boys, so she's not sure how to deal with Lisa.

They are a tight family, and this girl Lisa is basically a nun when it comes to behaviour. Her father Frank is so protective she can go nowhere without him, and they all have this illusion that she's going to stay young forever. When I was taking her out to buy some school supplies ( I was with her uncle at the time and Frank OBVIOUSLY couldn't afford it. I'm in college.. Im 22.. so I'm not sure what to do either ) I noticed she hadn't gotten her period yet at age 12, as well as she needed a bra, razors, girl things that her father pays no attention to but OBVIOUSLY should.

Monday it was Lisa's birthday, and she said she would be home in 15 minutes. Her friend had lied saying they were at the Bagel place a few doors down, and that her mother was there. Two hours went by and no sign of Lisa. So her father, her uncle, and a bunch of people went looking for her.. And when Frank got off the bus and spotted her, she was holding hands with another young lad her age in her class that she's been hiding from Frank. ( Reminding that Lisa is just turning 13 )

So Frank scares the boy off running, brings Lisa home,and since he has a wild temper, just starts rampaging around screaming at her making her cry. She doesn't feel like she can talk to anyone because she's so worried about people getting angry. What has me concerned, is he wont take a bit of a diplomatic approach. Maybe get to know this boy.. He's banned her from seeing her friend who lied.. -forever- and from dating,. She ended up balling and not wanting to even go home with him.

My concern is, shes never had the talk and he feels she's too young for it.. But considering I have a feeling that she'd been hiding this boy for quite some time now, that she NEEDS the talk, and needs to learn what contraceptives are.. I'm not stupid, kids who are forbidden and curious about the unknown are going to do things behind their parents backs, and I'd much rather her learn not to get pregnant than not know and keep exploring. Frank is too proud and arrogant to realise his daughter is turning into a growing young woman who is going to be curious about the world.

She has had a great deal of detentions lately ( she never does ANYTHING out of turn ) and I feel that she is probably using this as an excuise to stay after school late. She has never defied her father like this before, so i'm assuming the boy convinced her that it was alright, which also brings up another concern of mine that if he can influence her despite her always fearing her dads wrath, then what else can he convince a naive girl to do? She's been putting on more makeup, and dressing different lately, and I've noticed all the signs of her untrusting sense not to talk to her father, but her dad is too arrogant to believe me.. ( He also doesn't like me because Im' 22 and his brother whom I'm the ex of is 32.. They think I'm incapable of maturity. )

I was planning on teaming up with her grandmother and taking her for a girls day out to some restaurant and maybe girl clothing shopping.. But i'm trying to figure out a more tactacal approach to bringing up the boyfriend issue, and giving her some advice and know how to handle herself with boys, since this is her first boyfriend and now that lovely Frank has forbidden contact I'm sure its going to get deeper and deeper.

ANy advice?

musicmom

HappyMomma

If the father is not willing to listen to you, I would back away. If you interfere, it may cause a whole other set of problems for Lisa. With the exception of any indication of abuse, I would back out and let the father handle it.

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The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
~Lane Olinghouse

robi0413

I've often figured that advice was the better and I should stay out of it.. The only reason thus far I've been apart of her life, is because of her uncle and I being common law at one point.

However, the grandmother on other occations of this nature, has more or less gotten me to do the "Female" talks.. So I've always been slightly confused on what to do..

robi0413

The problem is.. is that I too only have experiance with boys. When my father took off and worked all the time and decided to frolic with another female in another city, I basically raised my little brother while his mother was off dealing with the grief of loosing her husband by increasing her social life a little too much. As well as I used to look after my older brother when we were younger.. so the only advice I could ever possibly give are on my own findings.. Maybe you are right though.

Xero

Well not to sound stupid or rude (because I know her father would think I was, and most parents would too), but next time she was around me I'd just tell her what I thought. Kids aren't as fragile minded as you think they are. She can deal with it, and she'll probably appreciate the information. Her dad might not, so I would think about that before doing anything. But if I think something needs to be said and I think it could help someone innocent from getting in trouble or getting hurt, I'd just say it! I'd just tell her! I'd talk about it. I'm a girl, I like to talk about boys. She'll enjoy it if you make her comfortable. I bet she even knows more than you think she knows. You'd be surprised once you bring it up. (But ugh I hate how young kids can be these days thinking they should have a significant other. Grr!! But I wont go there.)

Not trying to tick anyone off!!!! o_o Don't hurt me. I'm not saying it's her business, I'm just saying if she wants to say something then why not? It's not harmful, in my opinion.

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HappyMomma

I think you have a valid point. It really depends on just how volitile and protective the father is, but a little 'girl talk' could be done in an innocent way.

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The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
~Lane Olinghouse

Xero

Yeah...and the other thing I was thinking.

If you don't tell your kids about something they might need to know, they'll almost definitely hear it from someone else. And usually not in the way you wanted them to hear it. If you want them to hear it your way, you better tell them in time.

If not a mature family friend like you, then it'll be another peer her age that already knows, telling her their version of it. And that's all she has to go by, which can usually suck.

I wouldn't feel bad about telling her stuff like that at all! It could be worse.

Still not saying it's your business, but it's all a matter of using your own judgement on what you should or shouldn't do.

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jtee

Part of the issue is if the father would feel OK with you dicussing sex & boys with his daughter.

In my case, my wife handles most of that with our 12 year old. I can think of a few close friends who I would feel OK if they were to discuss those issues, and I can think of many others I would have strong objections, such as those who have strong religious beliefs that I don't agree with.

Then there is the argument that if a parent is unable and/or unwilling to meets the needs of a child, then others need to provide help. Talking to another person child about sex can be murky and done by trusted friend/family.

Teresa

Unless you want to anger the entire family and get YOURSELF banned from being around this child forever, I would suggest that you not put yourself in the middle of this situation. Her father doesn't want your advice, based on what you've posted, and going behind his back to talk to his daughter would most definitely be overstepping your boundaries.

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Christianity is not a religion like most people think. Christianity is a life of imitating Jesus.